A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend who I adore, respect, support and live together 4 years now are expecting a baby. We know each other 5 years and live together 4 years. Last year we bought a house and we were very happy. He has a degree in physics, speaks fluent French and his English is getting every day better. He is from the Middle East, moved to my country long time before we started dating and accepted a simple job until his English gets better. I earn a lot more than he does, this was NEVER an issue neither for him nor for me. Suddenly after we moved into our new house his attitude changed and he started every couple of months to blame me for everything not going well in his life. He threatend he'll leave me and I begged him not to. Things went well between us again. Now I am pregnant in 3rd month and he is as much thrilled as I am but last week he started again his accusation. He accuses me, my parents and my friends for ruining his life and his career. He keeps threating he'll leave me and I don't know what to do if he leaves me alone with our baby. What do I do? I love him.
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female
reader, MrsLV  +, writes (27 July 2008):
This one hit home. I've heard the threat to leave one time too many. You see, it's easy to get into a realtionship, but it takes REAL STRENGTH to maintain and stay in one. I feel that anyone that threatens to leave a relationship is very WEAK, childish, etc. And let's face it; what's sexy about a weakling?
I'll just say that from my experience, women are a lot stronger than men are when it comes to self-preservation and taking care of family. We're built that way. We go out of our way to be the "help mate" of the man, knowing what our sacrifices are (ones that he will not do or cannot do), and yet they seem to feel that we are expendable. It's funny...I just had that same threat thrown at me today, and honestly I don't have it in me to fight it. I lost a lot of respect for the man that promised to take care of me and to honor me, respect me, etc. He's a quitter, and I no longer feel the need to entertain that. It's not like I can't do it alone nor will HAVE to do it alone...because in all honesty, when one leaves another will be more than happy to step right on in to replace him.
So my advice is to just breath through this and make preperations to do it by yourself if that time comes. Don't break your back trying to please someone who won't break their back to please you. Love yourself a little bit more so that your self-worth is acknowledged by you, and to hell with his threats. Don't make the kids an excuse to remain with a jack-ass! There are plenty of women in history (now and before) that have done it alone. So either way, you'll never be alone.
MrsLV
A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (10 November 2007):
 Hi. I have been thinking more about your question since I first replied to you a few hours ago.
You are saying that these phases only started since you moved into new house. No sign of this before ?? Did the "phases" show before or after pregnancy? I am trying to narrow it down. Here goes with possibilities based on information provided so far:
There could be an issue for him in his work - that maybe you don't know about.
Although you say money has never been an issue - it could be now that there is baby on the way (or the house payments) - not necessarily in his conscious, rational thinking - but in his sub-conscious. The male provider thing.
Linked to that is money generally - presumably the whole family finances change when baby arrives. Is there anxiety about making ends meet on his part?
There might be a cultural issue for him - again in the area of man providing shelter for woman and child.
On a similar note - what about his parents/family - is he worried about their views on your relationship/situation?
Changing tack now - he may have found the house move more stressful than expected.
The house move may have "disorganised" him - the way he works - the way he organises/ or keeps his papers, systems etc. (It did me many years ago - it took me over a year to recover from a complete new kitchen - I couldn't find anything - not just kitchen things - but the old noticeboard went with old kitchen. I was completely disorientated for over a year - and didn't know why!!)
There's a lot of "long term commitment" issues going on - mortgage, house, babies - which might have unsettled him. (it's a man thing - commitment - still gives me shudders if I think back!!!).
The 'blaming other people for ruining his life/his career' - that is possibly something to do with the commitment issue. He possibly had a vision of what his life was going to be like - and suddenly a house/mortgage/baby has changed that vision. Maybe feeling of being tied down.
There is something else as well - some women can become more sensitive when they are expecting - hormones changing etc. One effect of that is your perception changes.
You both need to have some chats I think - not one but several. Try to analyse each other. He might not know why he feels like he does - why he blames other people. It needs pointing out to him - then left for a few days for him to mull it over.
To start your chats off - print your question together with all the replies you get. Show it to him. You can both say what you agree with/disgree with. Don't spring it on him - give him copies to think about.
Hope this helps a bit. Take care of yourself and baby.
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A
female
reader, jeanetto07 +, writes (10 November 2007):
he may just say that to feel important or to feel needed if i was you don't give him the satisfation of you needing him because he is using that to get to you and its working.
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A
female
reader, lilgirly  +, writes (10 November 2007):
 hey,
i think that he is feeling very stressed and you are the only person who he can show his feelings to!he is having a baby and living with a woman ( big step)!
i really don't think that he will leave because is he wanted to he would have done it anyways..... he loves you and am really sure about that!
maybe he feels he is less useful than you! and that is really a very big deal in the middle east and i know it for a fact ( i am from there)...
you have to talk to him,and ask him what you want.
this man is feeling inferior to you as if he isn't the man anymore( and i think this is all because of his work).you have to see if you have a futur with this man!
talk to him ! good luck. and i am sure that he loves you!
byeXXX( keep us updated).
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (10 November 2007):
Hi. I think the first thing to try to establish is why does he get these phases - these periods of mild paranoia or projection (the blaming of others for faults/problems within yourself). What is going on when this happens? It can be a pent up emotion which occurs after other events.
The next thing is to question whether it is temporary phases that happens - or is it early indications of his true feelings. This is presumably what your true fear is.
I think you have to sit him down and ask him. It's not unreasonable given the circumstances. You have a house together, a baby on the way. When you think he is in a rational mood - discuss the future. Marriage? Ask him why he makes these threats. Ask him what brings on this feeling that you/ your parents/ your friends are responsible for his life.
Prepare for your meeting in adavance. Try to record some of the things he says when he is blaming others for what is going on in his life. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Maryann6873 +, writes (10 November 2007):
He needs to feel more like a man. He feels inferior to you and to your family. If you pay the bills, ask him to sit down with you and help you understand something, even though you know what the answer is. This is just an example. Sometimes, if you come across too strong as a woman, meaning you have an answer to everything and you really are always right, he will feel small. Try talking sweet to him. When you sit down and talk to him about this, try not to sound too 'whiney'. Being pregnant doesn't help you much right now. If you're like most women while being pregnant, it's nearly impossible to control your emotions. Remind him that you really need him right now, and talk him up. Tell him you really need a man in your life right now to be there through the pregnancy and after to provide stability for the child.
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