A
female
age
30-35,
*ioletray
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. Its obviously been a very weird year for everyone, and it's been very weird having a new relationship through this time.We get on pretty well, and I have very strong feelings for him.. Sometimes I think it's definitely love. There's just a few things bugging me though and I don't know how to bring them all up. I've always had issues in starting serious conversations (due to childhood issues), I've tried bringing them up in the past but I don't think the issues fully sorted.So for 1.. He has a rediculously low sex drive and it's been like this since day one, sex once a week if that. Every advance I've made he turns down. He's very active when at work but the complete opposite at home.. I think his laziness plays a part in his low libido. 2.. Yet when he does want sex it's terrible. He just rubs and kisses my shoulder a bit then hand is straight down. He doesn't do anything I like.. And I've told him what I like quite a few times. He hardly every gives oral which makes me think there's something wrong with me.3.. We haven't spent much time together lately due to our working patterns so yesterday when we got most the day together he hardly spoke to me and went and played his xbox.4.. He never has any enthusiasm to do much.. There's not a lot we can do atm but I love getting out in nature for walks etc. But it's always me that decides when we're going out and where. If I didn't do that he would happily sit on the couch all day either on his phone or his xbox. I'm now worrying he might be like this after we have all returned to some norm! 5.. The only time he has started a serious chat was when I turned sex down when he was crazing for it once.. And I turned it down coz I was spotting. I also learned from that experience that he was cuddly and affectionate all week but soon as we had sex all the affection left again for a whole week. I feel we definitely have some potential but not sure how to resolve these issues.. If I even can. We are quite different people, I'm more spiritual, hippie, self conscious, earth conscious and social. He's more... Opposite!!
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at work, libido, sex drive Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2020): You have been together a year and your drives are not meshing. At this point, you should long be over the awkward phase and should be having a blast. It will never get any better than now.
Pull off the band aid quickly and move on with your life. Living a sexually deprived life is not enjoyable.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (4 December 2020):
 It's been a year, and while it has been a weird year for everyone, I think it has less to do with Covid and more to do with the fact that you two are JUST NOT a good fit.
You have found a LOT of "faults" most which are not realistic to expect to change (regardless of Covid or not).
If it hadn't been for Covid you might have realized that he just isn't the right guy for you, a bit sooner. But that is life.
Accept that THIS is who he is, if that is not the kind of partner you want, then end it and move on.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (3 December 2020):
That list is too long, you should just find someone you're compatible with!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2020): I'll just address the no oral part. It's probably just him but go get checked by your lady doctor.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2020): Could it be something to do with his job? I once worked in a very fast paced environment for a year. I worked 14 hours a day easily clocking up 20000 steps a day running around like a lunatic. I only ate one meal a day at work because I was simply too tired from irregular shifts and late finishes that I couldn’t bring myself to make myself dinner when I got home and would sleep until the last minute in the mornings so never had time to have breakfast. The meal I was eating at work consisted of greasy burgers, chips or pizza. My sleep pattern was very irregular. My days off were spent doing absolutely nothing. I’d be so tired from my week at work that I had zero motivation. I didn’t even have the energy so see my friends and family or do anything with my partner. I just wanted to sit and be left alone. I couldn’t bring myself to have sex and it started to feel like another chore. After a year I eventually got another job 9-5. I finally had a regular sleeping pattern, was able to eat my 3 healthy meals a day. My energy started to come back and I was able to do the things I loved again without them feeling like a chore. I regained my motivation again. You said he had an active job so could it be something to do with that? I believe there’s a reason why some people have low sex drives? Could be stress, unhealthy habits, medical condition, relationship struggles. Maybe there is something going on in his life that’s causing him stress that he’s just not sharing. But then obviously it could just be that you too just aren’t compatible. You’ve been together for a year and you are saying that you sometimes ‘think you love him’. Are you sure you aren’t just wasting your time and are just together for the sake of it? Somethings clearly not right in your relationship if you only sometimes think you love him - that could also be the reason for his low sex drive. I know you have trouble talking about these things - but to be honest it is your only option. You have to sit him down and discuss these issues or you will end up even unhappier. Nothing will change if you don’t take action.
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