A
female
age
51-59,
*unshine1973
writes:I met a (married) guy quite some time ago, and he was recently working in the town where I live in. I stopped by to see him while he was working (he asked me to). When I saw him, he seemed quite flustered when we were chatting. We were planning on meeting to get coffee the following day (totally harmless). He was quite uncomfortable when he said to me "there's just something about you that makes you so cool". He couldn't look me in the face when he said it. My response was "you're married....so that's not it" (meaning why we were getting together). He said "I know, I know". My question is, was I reading him right that he's interested in me? Was my response appropriate? Honestly, I'm completely smitten with him, but would NEVER step over the line because he's a married man. Is it possible to be friends with him, and email him occasionally?
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (3 January 2009):
 You asked me how I would respond if someone said that to me. I will be honest enough to say I would be flattered. I wouldn't run in the other direction but I would put up barriers. I would like the fact someone was attracted to me and I might want to fish for more. The key is that I would "know" what the other person wanted. As someone who respects marriage and understands the boundaries, I wold also know that the married person possibly had intentions that were beneath my moral standards. I might not think that way if I had never been married, but I am.
I have been pursued by married women. Once when I was in college and another time when I was married. Both times I thought it could be friendly. Not so. they both wanted more. The attention can draw us like moths toward a light. Nothing happened with the married woman who worked at my college. If I had tried it would have. I don't know why I didn't because my standards were not so high in my youth. Maturity has taught me better.
The second time happened a few years ago. I was out and I met a female who was with a friend of ours. We got on well and chatted a few times on the computer. She invited me out for coffee. I told her that sounded good and I'd just have to ask my wife if we were busy. She responded...DON'T DO THAT !! I told her if I couldn't tell my wife about going for coffee it probably wasn't a good idea. I hid nothing from my wife ans stopped chatting with this woman.
If I look back on it now, I was aware of her attraction. After many years of marriage it made me feel good to get attention from other people. I also realized it made me think of things that were not good for my marriage. Nothing I dwelled on but things that crossed my mind. I also realized that it would be disrespectful for me to allow another woman to try and creep into my marriage and keep it from my wife. My wife is my priority, not a woman who is flirting with me. The flirt was in an unhappy marriage and must have thought she could spice up her life by hooking up with me. Because I never intended to cheat I thought I could control things and it was OK. It's not OK. It wasn't until someone started trying to chat up my wife that I realized it was wrong for me to receive the same attention.
You see, when it's innocent and unplanned that is one thing. When it conniving and under cover that is another. If you happen to think the married guy who works at the bank is hot, that's OK. If you look forward to cashing your pay cheque every week because you get to see him, that's OK too. If you ask him out for lunch or coffee, that's another thing. It is no longer innocent, it's a plan. You never said you were going to cheat but you were aware that it was not a perfect idea and there was room for concern. That was your conscience that gave you reason to question your motive. Now you have to accept it.
A
female
reader, sunshine1973 +, writes (3 January 2009):
sunshine1973 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEddie, I have no intentions of sleeping in the same bed with this person. Not a chance. He travels for his job, and is all over the world....meeting women. Tell me how you would respond if someone said that to you (if you were single and in my shoes)? I was completely in shock, and didn't quite know how to handle the situation.
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female
reader, sunshine1973 +, writes (3 January 2009):
sunshine1973 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEve,Thanks for the sane response. Yes... I'm smitten, but also, like I stated before, we don't live near one another, and I've had it happen to me (cheating). I know what it feels like, and I would never do that to someone. Ever. My reason for my post was I wanted to see if I was reading into what he said to me, or if he was in fact hinting on being interested in me. I would hate to feel like a dumbass for my response. I NEVER said I would act on. Instead of getting answers to my question, I've been told over and over again about how rotten it is to get cheated on.
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (3 January 2009):
This is my last attempt. You say you were not flirting. When he told you there was something about you that was so cool....you liked it. That is OK. Then you said...but you're married. Of course he's going to dumb it down when you say that. The truth is though, by his actions and expressions you got a vibe. That vibe was one that suggested he was interested in you. That too is OK when kept secret. We all have attractions. You asked though, "was I reading him right, that he's interested" and asked if your reply was appropriate. You then went on to say you were smitten. You also said you'd have no problem hanging out with his wife and if he keeps it a secret that's his choice. What secret are you referring to? The fact you are smitten with each other?
You were probably reading him correctly. And because of that you should keep your distance. Don't sleep in the same bed etc.
Here is the other way I could have answered your original question.......Go for it. Who cares if he's married. You are the most important person in the world. Just because he's married and might have kids shouldn't stop you from getting what you want. Email him call and spend time together when he's in town. If something bad happens, too bad.
OR maybe his wife might write the next letter.....Something is wrong in my marriage. My husband seems distant and he has been spending time away in another town. When ever he goes there I can't seem to get him on his cell phone. It all started a few months ago when he started talking about this woman he met. I can tell he's smitten with her and I wonder what goes on when he's away. I'm really scared because I saw a text message from her and I can tell she's smitten with him too. I love my husband and don't want to lose him to another woman. How do I deal with this?
You see, of all the options available, the one we gave you was the best. It boils down to steering clear of problems and other people's spouses. It is just wrong and the fact you even wrote the letter means it crossed your mind too. That's why you asked if your actions were appropriate. Obviously you knew there was as chance it was inappropriate.
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female
reader, sunshine1973 +, writes (3 January 2009):
sunshine1973 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHa! I just read your responses to a friend of mine, and she's as dumbfounded as I that you have ignored everything that I have said. EVERYTHING! eyeswideopen, you would be a terrible Editor. You have disregarded all of the facts that I have stated, and made up your own storyline to my future actions. You have also failed to mention the actions of the married man. Where is he at fault in this? He was the one that made comment to me to begin with. Not I. Let me clarify something as well, when we email one aother every couple of months, we chat about travelling, and cars. CARS....not how we feel about one another. I have sent him youtube links on a CAR that he likes. Cause for divorce? I highly doubt it.
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (3 January 2009):
 "Honestly, I'm completely smitten with him." - Definition of SMITTEN: affected by something overwhelming; conscience-smitten; awe-struck, enamoured: marked by foolish or unreasoning fondness.
Now to answer your question... Even if you wouldn't "step over the line", you're still putting temptation in HIS way and I'm sure you wouldn't want that. The attraction for you is obviously there with HIM so my advice is that it's definitely best to cut ties in this case rather than tempt fate and cause yourself/him/his wife what could be unnecessary pain and suffering in the future.
~Eve~
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2009): You cant handle the truth.We can see your game and its spells disaster!!Move on.
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female
reader, sunshine1973 +, writes (3 January 2009):
sunshine1973 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhere did it state in my post that I was flirting? Where? NOTHING in my post states that I was flirting! NOTHING!
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (3 January 2009):
 Yep the grey area that you speak of is where the wife ends up with incredible pain because some woman didn't respect her boundaries. You aren't looking for friendship you are looking for trouble. Denial is a very nasty thing, it always comes back to bite you in the ass.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2009): You need to get your own man. Whether he was flirting or not, he is married and not for grabs.Stay away - you can't be friends cos it's obvious you want him!
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (3 January 2009):
Re-read your original question and your follow ups. Ask yourself what your original concerns were. You wanted to know if what you did was appropriate. It sounds like you didn't get the feedback you wanted to justify your own thoughts.
Face it. You're flirting with someone's husband. Admit it and be honest with yourself.
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female
reader, sunshine1973 +, writes (3 January 2009):
sunshine1973 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFrom the amount of comments that you (and Eddie) post on this site, it seems like you have nothing other to do than be "right all the time". It would probably be a good idea if you ventured away from your computer, stepped out your front door, and gained your own life experiences. Maybe you would both understand that life isn't black and white. There's a lot of grey areas too.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 January 2009):
Gee Eddie, don't you hate being right all the time, I know I sure do.
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female
reader, sunshine1973 +, writes (3 January 2009):
sunshine1973 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhy are the both of you hell bent on believing that you can't have a friendship with someone who's married if you're "smitten" with them? That is absolutely ridiculous, and far from the truth. As a matter of fact, I have a best friend (one of the guys that I room with when we travel) who I had a crush on for YEARS, not knowing he had a girlfriend. If I no longer spoke to him when he told me he had gotten married, I wouldn't have a friend that I love to pieces. He is one of my closest friends, and I'm not even remotely attracted to him any longer. There....I answered my OWN question, with my OWN life experiences. You can in fact be friends with someone when you're attracted to them. Also, if I new what the hell "the aunts" was, I just might strive for it. But I have no clue what the hell you're even talking about. When I posted a comment here, I never thought I would get responses from such negative, jaded people, who obviously live in bubble and generalize all people as being ruthless, selfish and uncaring. It's human nature to be attracted to someone, married or not.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 January 2009):
Alrighty then Sunshine, what EXACTLY are you looking for from this site? Whether or not you were "reading him right"?
Whether you made a fool of yourself with your comment? If all you are looking for is friendship what does it matter anyway. I still think you are just looking to wind up the aunts, too bad it's not working.
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (3 January 2009):
I agree with eyeswideopen on this one. The poster seems to be trying to get a certain response. I've made my point and understand what is decent. I'm not the one who said I was completely smitten with someone. Also, I haven't been cheated on but I'm wise enough to know that it is not a good thing. Eventually we all pay for the choices we make. I won't try to coach someone determined to follow through with hurtful actions. I believe this site is to help people do the correct thing, not follow the wrong path.
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female
reader, sunshine1973 +, writes (3 January 2009):
sunshine1973 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry to burst your bubble.....but I do travel with men, and sleep in the same quarters, all the time. It's usually three of us, a married guy, my best friend (who's a woman), and I. Their wives have no issues with it at all. If they did, it wouldn't happen. As far as my cheating spouses, I never claimed to remain "best buds", I said I've remained friendly with them. Please re-read my post. Also, what gives you the idea I'm yaking peoples chains on this site? Do you really think I'm that bored? Please honey, I have a life. An amazing one I might add. As far as my "unusual habit", again, please re-read my post, I said "unusual hobby". My hobby requires travel with male friends, and we stay in the same room to save money. What a novel idea, huh? One last thing, where in my post did I say that I hit on a married man? Nowhere. I never hit on a married men....EVER. I have a friendship with him. Period. No more, no less. I email him occasionally....big f'n deal. As long as he's in a relationship, he's off limits to anything other than a friendship. I have every intention on remaining friends with him, like it or not. I like him as a person, and who know's, if I get to know him, I may not have any interest in him. Just 'cause you're married doesn't mean you can't have friendships with people of the opposite sex. It takes two people for an "affair" to happen, and I'm not going there.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 January 2009):
Sorry Sunshine but your answers and attitude just don't jell. I doubt very much that you sleep in the same bed with someone else's husband WITH their permission...ALL the time. I also doubt that you have had cheating spouses, and if you did, that you would have remained best buds with them. I think all you are really interested in is either yanking some chains on the site or maybe getting approval for hitting on a married man. It also sounds like your "very unusual habit" is not really all that unusual...we get posts from cheaters all the time.
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female
reader, sunshine1973 +, writes (3 January 2009):
sunshine1973 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes....I have women friends that let me sleep in the same bed as their husbands. I have an unusual hobby, so I travel with men all time, and stay in the same hotel room with them, and their wives have no poblem with it what so ever. You assume it's common for me to flirt with married men. I never have.....ever. I posted here to basically clarify that I didn't make a total ass out of myself when he said "there's something about you that makes you so cool". I wanted to make sure that when I responded with "you're married" I wasn't making a fool out of myself. That's all. AS far as me being bitter....not at all. I wouldn't change a thing that happened to me in the past, because it made me who I am today. I remain friendly with my ex's and have no hard feelings over what they did. Seems like you get a little touchy over the subject. I'm assuming it happened to you and you haven't gotten over it.
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (3 January 2009):
You have women friends who trust you enough to sleep in the same bed as their husbands. That is uncommon and different. If you know how it feels to be cheated on, why would you flirt so much with a married man?
You seem so bitter. The people that your men cheated with were wrong. It was wrong to cheat on you. They knew they were doing something wrong and on a purely human level, it's a rotten thing to do. The world would be a better place if we did what was good as opposed to what was convenient.
I think you're way off track. You wrote your question almost bragging about the connection you had with him, or at least the vibe. It was so strong that it gave you pause to go to your computer and ask a question the Dear Cupid. Why now do you try and minimize the details. You both have and attraction to each other.
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female
reader, sunshine1973 +, writes (3 January 2009):
sunshine1973 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your response. Let me respond to some of your questions, and/or comments about me.
First off, I'm far from naive. I've been around long enough to know how it feels when your spouse cheats. Why? Because it's happened to me....more than once. Where are the men now that cheated on me? With the women they cheated with, of course. How do I feel about the women that were with my ex's? Nothing. It's not their problem. They owe me nothing and never have. As far as my situation, I have not once told this guy how I feel about him. He simply made a comment about me, and I responded "you're married". I'm not quite sure why you feel that I can't have a frinedship with this man. I have NEVER stepped over the line with him or anyone else for that fact. I have MANY male friends with wives who trust me enough to sleep in the same bed as their husband. The reason being, I have self-respect. Something that few women have.
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (2 January 2009):
I don't mean to be rude but are you naive? You don't mind hanging out with his wife as long as she doesn't know the truth....That is very nice of you. It's also a total farce because every time she turned her back you'd be making googly eyes at each other. Yes it is his choice...and yours too. You are choosing to contribute to a situation that is wrong based on the fact he's married.
You are actually fishing for compliments from a man. That is what you like, the flattery. You like the fact that he likes you. It's fun, makes you feel good and there is nothing wrong with feeling that way. When you discuss it with him though, you've entered his wife's territory. That is not your place. Those actions are where you cross the line. By trying to make him your casual "friend" you're leaving the door open a crack for more. Neither of you wants a friend. You want something else. As you said, you're smitten with him. That would be a BIG red flag if his wife knew.
If you are a single woman and think these games are fun, you're wrong. Somebody does get hurt, his wife in this case. Single people quite often do not understand how sacred a good marriage can be. That is why it is frustrating when people choose to stick their noses into other people's marriages. Single people in those situations have nothing to lose and for that reason are acting quite selfish. They want to take part in something that causes harm to another person. That is wrong.
Don't forget, if you drive the get away car in a bank robbery, you're just as guilty as the guy who ran in and stole the money. So you have a choice, be a decent person and leave this guy alone or chase someone that doesn't belong to you. Until you are in a long term relationship, you'll never understand how devastating the wrong choice can be.
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female
reader, sunshine1973 +, writes (2 January 2009):
sunshine1973 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, I would like to add, I would have no problem hanging out with his wife. If he keeps it a secret from her, it's his choice, not mine.
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female
reader, sunshine1973 +, writes (2 January 2009):
sunshine1973 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHow is it that I stepped over the line? By emailing him, and chatting with him when he's in town? I think not. The banter we have is simply harmless. I have done NOTHING that would hurt his relationship and never will. I was just thrown by his comment, and am still not quite sure if I took it out of context. Also, we don't live near one another, and I will only see him probably once or twice a year. What's so wrong with being friendly with a guy, even if you're attracted to him? Where's the harm? Not every female is out to bed someone else's husband.
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reader, eddie +, writes (2 January 2009):
You already stepped over the line. Now you're looking for permission to go further. You know what you feel, you know what he said. "I'm completely smitten with him"...that says a lot. You actually said the words but you're not listening to the voice in your head. If everything is so harmless, why are you asking these questions? You're both trying to convince yourself that what you're up to is harmless. If it's so harmless, would you be willing to tell his wife all these details and ask her for permission to go out for coffee with her husband. I bet not.
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