A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is it possible to love someone yet not be IN LOVE with him?I know for sure I love my BF.. we click very well and do sweet things for each other. We always start the day off with a morning call to each other, talk/text through out the day, and end the day talking on the phone. We are LDR, but spend a week or two together every few months. We always have each other's best interest in mind. When we are together, whether online or in the real, we are sweet, funny, we bicker here and there but it's all for fun, and we have passion and chemistry. We've talked about the future and it is something we want to work towards.. but just at the moment I feel that I'm not yet ready to be more committed. I enjoy what we have now, but sometimes I feel little pressures from him here and there, and that's when I want to back track and just go back to being friends. I know that things that he's asking for is common amongst couples.. such as meeting each other's family, or he was jealous of me talking to a guy and wanted to know details of what we talked about. We had disagreements about that.. but in the end he respected my decision that I wasn't ready for him to meet my family yet, and although I refused to share with him the details of my convo with this guy online (the guy is a mutual acquaintance and we only chatted briefly to catch up on things, nothing personal). Knowing that it bothered my BF, I stopped chatting with the guy and removed him from chat.We've only started dating online in January... met once in February and once again a couple of weeks ago.. so I feel it's still a bit early in our relationship.. but he seems so much farther ahead and I feel like I can't catch up.. then when he put pressure on me, I feel like I just want to run the other way. What's wrong with me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks RevMick, maisy1, and Honeypie for your responses! Maisy1 - although we met online, it wasn't through a dating site. We were both on a site to watch movies and there was a chatroom so we started chatting and clicked. When we first met, neither of us were looking for a bf/gf or anything romantic with any one. Regarding the trust issue and thinking perhaps there might be another girl involved.. well there is a reason why I thought that way and it's a long story.. but truth is I highly doubt it and because he is ignoring me, I just tend to over think and guess perhaps he's with another girl already. But again, I highly doubt it.Thank you all for taking the time to respond and give your advice. I realized that I miss and care for him a lot.. I've tried calling and texting with apologies and even attention grabbing texts hoping he'll reply but.. nothing. I believe he might have given up on us and moved on... so sadly, commitment isn't even an issue anymore...I will keep the wonderful memories we shared, learn from the experience, and begin to move on too..
A
male
reader, RevMick  +, writes (15 May 2014):
 Hi,
There's relationship or bf/gf love. There's friends love etc. I would say don't rush into anything because of the LDR, the last thing you want to do is ruin a good friendship or burgeoning relationship.
I agree with others that there is 'being in love' and 'loving' someone. Both feel slightly different and mean different things to people.
Take it slow and see what it progresses into.
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A
female
reader, maisy1 +, writes (14 May 2014):
"Lately I've lost a bit of trust in him as well because I have a gut feeling he's trying to hide something, perhaps with another girl..."Obviously we cannot confirm nor deny this as we have no way of knowing but maybe you need to consider why, when online, he looked to start a relationship with someone far away. Although I enjoy internet dating and met my partner using a dating site, there's a lot of online daters have plenty to hide. Did he initiate contact with you or vice versa?Perhaps you and he just clicked and that was it, but in my experience its the people who contact from a distance that often have something or someone to hide. "How is it that he can be so cold hearted and ignore my calls and texts for so long? If he truly cares and misses me, how is he able to be so cold hearted?"On one hand he is cold towards you, on the other he pushes you for commitment. Sounds like he is trying to manipulate you. Maybe withholding in the hope it will make you miss him and be more willing to give in to his commitment expectations?"virtual" relationships of texts, calls, emails, etc allow a person to "dip in and out" of a relationship whenever they like. If they don't want to talk they switch there phone off, if they do not feel like responding to an email they log off. In a real life, face to face situation that can manifest itself in uglier ways. OP I agree with the other responses that this is way, way too soon to be thinking about commitment. I would be a little concerned that he is pushing for it at this very early stage. The distance doesn't help as LDR are only viable for those with complete trust. Without absolute trust, the relationship becomes one of fear, anxiety and suspicion. That's true of any untrusting relationship, but a long distance one gives greater opportunity for the fear of someone else being involved.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reply, Mark! When I speak of pressure, it's of requests he has that I feel I'm not yet ready to fulfill. For example, introducing my mom and family to him or meeting his family etc. I always feel that he is steps ahead of me in the relationship and I can't catch up and hence wonder if I don't love him as much as he loves me or as committed as he is.Ironically, this past week that he was here, we both experienced the 'realness' of being in a relationship. There were good times and bad times and we were both able to get a glimpse of what being together in the real is like. We both laugh about the events that took place and are glad we were able to experience them together. We keep things pretty real and mostly talk on the phone and Facetime so we see real expressions and hear instant responses. Rarely do we text. I don't have much experience with LDR, but I know what him and I have is rare and I treasure our relationship a lot. We are both able to make time to be there for each other and it doesn't really feel like a LDR. We always put each other first and always have the other's best interest in mind. We see both the good side and bad side of each other. We've always been there for each other through the good and bad times. I don't believe that distance is an issue for us. He's only a few hours away by flight and it's not a burden for us to hop on a flight to visit each other. It's also not an issue for me to find a job in his hometown and relocate there vice versa with him. But just at the moment, I don't believe it's the time for that yet.Although we've talked about the future seriously.. I don't think him (or I) are ready to move forward with that yet. He does insist that I not run all the time but stay with him. That is something I'm working on.. that once I feel pressure I don't immediately run. I just hope that he can work on not ignoring me every time I run.Thanks so much for your advice!
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 May 2014):
 IF he ignores you when you pull away, he is trying to control the situation. Trying to get YOU to chase him. It's pure and simple manipulations from his side, and honestly not a nice trait in a person. HE KNOWS that you will OVER-THINK everything if he ignore you for a few days. Because he OVER-THINKS the relationship himself.
Going from dating someone and back to being friends rarely work, UNLESS both people want that. UNLESS both people aren't romantically invested in the other.
To be honest when you added this (he ignores me for hours, days even weeks) my first thought was, this isn't going to last for you two. Why do I say that? Because it ends up being a "tug of war" thing. He "pulls" you towards him wanting you to want what HE wants. When you "tug back and run" he lets go. LONG enough for you to think this is silly we should talk about it. And then it starts all over.
A LDR is never easy. Some never come into fruition. Some turns out to be no more then a glorified fantasy. Maybe neither of you can deal with the distance and perhaps finding someone closer would be a better idea.
There is nothing wrong with him being a few pages ahead of you, but if you FEEL like he is in a whole other book... then it's going to be hard finding mutual ground.
Also when you are conducting so much of the relationship online and over the phone, things can SEEM one way when you talk and then AFTER the conversation you thing he could have meant another. It IS easier to not completely understand each others intentions, because as much as you two TALK you don't KNOW each other as well as you think you do.
What you DO need to discuss (if you two want to TRY and work it out) are your expectations. How often to talk, how long to reply to a text and so forth. That way neither of you will think that the other person is cheating or mad.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reply, Honeypie!Unfortunately, this time I ran again because I felt too much pressuring and controlling from him. As usual, when I run, he ignores me. Sometimes he'll ignore me for a whole week, sometimes a day, or hours. Although I often talk about running and suggest back tracking to just being friends when I feel pressure from him, I find it difficult to do. I miss him and care so much that I never end up leaving and we end up talking about the issue, trying to work on it and get back together. How is it that he can be so cold hearted and ignore my calls and texts for so long? If he truly cares and misses me, how is he able to be so cold hearted?Lately I've lost a bit of trust in him as well because I have a gut feeling he's trying to hide something, perhaps with another girl... So it's really doing me no good as my mind is wondering about who he might be with and what he may be doing that he isn't answering my calls and texts. I also know that I can totally be over thinking.I'm not sure, but if he continues to ignore me, this may be the end of the road for it.. and it'd be a pity.
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reader, Mark1978 +, writes (14 May 2014):
 Is it possible to love someone yet not be IN LOVE with him?Yes it is. I had a relationship when I was in my 20s in which i loved my girlfriend deeply, yet came to realize over time that i loved her in the wrong way. I LOVED her so, so much, but wasn't IN love with her. I loved her like a sister or a best friend. I do think you need to slow down and be a little more realistic here. You have met your BF just TWICE and yet you are talking about love and commitment? If he is putting you under pressure for commitment and planning your future after meeting him twice and only knowing him for a few weeks then you need to take that as a big red flag. As someone who has extensive experience, good and bad, of online dating, I can tell you that you never, ever really know the other person until you have spent plenty of time with them in real world situations. I appreciate that the two occasions when you have met lasted for several days/weeks, but i think its unwise to make any kind of commitment to someone you realistically hardly know. Loving someone is about falling for there values, there personality, the way they treat us and others and the way they support us or make us feel good. Realistically, loving someone takes time, time getting to know the person well in the real world face to face. Its only when we have seen how a person behaves in the good time and bad, through thick and thin and how they deal with trials and tribulations that we get a real understanding of who they are and what they stand for. At the moment you are both in the exciting, passionate, early stages of a relationship. Your both trying hard to please, are eager to be sweet and funny and, for the want of a better expression, on your best behaviour. This is a normal, natural part of a developing relationship. But as time goes by that will change. After the newness has worn off and you both become closer and the relationship more serious, only then can you really evaluate how you feel and make plans for a future together. Communicating via text, email and dating sites is not real, in that we can do, say or be anything we want in that virtual world. I know from my own experience that, especially early on in a relationship, we often send communications that makes us sound exciting and excited. We try really hard to flatter and hide our problems, gloss over negative feelings and paint a picture of ourselves and our lives that will impress our partner. After a while that starts to wane and the reality stage kicks in. The willingness to be tolerant and hide problems starts to fade, the eagerness to please is weaker. Some people become closer, others stay the same, some drift apart or realize the person is not who they thought they were. But its only after going through that second phase of a relationship that we can really tell if we are in love, have a partner that loves us, and can see a genuine future for us. On one hand you say you are in Love with him for sure, on the other hand, at the first sign of a problem, you say you want to go back to being friend.At he moment your relationship is a little like a holiday romance. You have up for a week twice and done exciting, fun things but now need to give it time and spend more time together doing normal, everyday activities to see if the romance and fun fades or gets stronger. I think you are in love with an idealistic version of this person and relationship based on your short time together, the communications via text/email and, due to not really knowing him that well in real life, your own imagination filling in the gaps with what you WANT him to be. If he is pushing hard for commitment already then maybe he is feeling under pressure to settle down? Maybe he is trying to achieve a goal of settling down before a certain age or because he is the only one in his friendship group who has yet to settle? If so then you need to ask yourself whether he wants to settle down with YOU or just wants to settle with SOMEONE.There is also the distance issue. Again, early on in a relationship we see through potential problems or think any hurdle can be overcome, yet as time passed and we have to start being more realistic the distance maybe prove more of a problem. For commitment to work one or both of you would probably need to relocate. Im not saying it wont work out or that it will be a problem, im just making the point that its way to soon to be thinking about doing that. You both need to take a step back and look honestly at the situation. Its Mid May now, you only started communicating in January. You need to give this more time before you can be sure of your feelings and the situation. I would say its far too soon to be talking about commitment in any relationship, but when you are in a LDR and only meet once a month then its doubly so!There is nothing wrong with you nor your relationship, but i think you are talking about love and him pressing for commitment way, way to soon. Best of luck.Mark
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 May 2014):
Tell him. Tell him you NEED to move slow. Most of your relationship over online, and THAT can be hard to equate with reality. You have only REALLY spend 3 dates together, THAT is reality.
Tell him the more he pushes the more you want to bolt. Which is why you need to go slow.
Now he can either RESPECT that or he won't. If he won't then it's up to YOU whether THAT is OK or not.
I think you are being quite sensible by not letting your emotions, dreams, and part-fantasy run away with you. IT IS quite easy to get caught up in an online LDR. My husband and I were in a LDR for a good year (seeing each other every other month) before we decided that we DID want to BE together. That was 18 years ago.
DO have a chat with him about boundaries. IF you two are a couple then talk about what is OK and what is NOT OK. Like talking to boys (for you) and girls (for him) might not be OK.
It's ONLY been 4 months. 3 DATES. So YEA, I think it's OK to want to go slow.
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