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female
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anonymous
writes: hi,ihave beenwith my b/f for10 years over the years he has questioned every decision ihave made untill i doubt myself i feel like a child incapable of deciding what is best for my daughter and me,i now cannot make a decision at all,i dont want sex with him and iv asked him to back off to c if we can become friends again then sex will happen when the time is right,again this was a stupid thing to say,if i say i dont feel like it he will hound me till i give in i never feel comfortable with it but i cant deal with being kept awake listening to his constant nagging.he critisizes my family and the one friend i do have.will not bother with our daughter who is 9 this year,i cant make the decision to finish the relationship and have no life or friends as i think badly about everyone,i cant walk down a street,if someone is laughing there laughing at me,i cant help it,im scared that someone will hit me,everytime i do relax and have a conversation i feel embarresed after that i seem weird to other people,i am having cbt therapy,and amstarting a course at uni in two weeks i dont stand a chance do i.there is also thisman i am friends with he makes me feel good but i cant relax around him either i would love to but i feel guilty as i shouldnt c him even tho my b/f is living at his mums now.i am only 26 any ideas how i can handle this.its not as easy to just walk away,the only way i can describe my relationship with my b/f is UNHEALTHY OBSESSION any advice.xxx Reply to this Question
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (20 June 2006):
 You have clinical depression, and everything seems bad at the moment because your head is covered in a deep, black cloud. Unfortunately you are with a man who thrives on your depressive state because it keeps him in control of the relationship and ultimately YOU. It is quite simple - men who feel the need to put you down or your associates do so because they are threatened by you and they are fundamentally insecure about themselves. If he made you feel good then you may leave him so making you feel bad means that you will never feel good enough to leave him...
However, it is not all his fault. If you are allowing him to treat you (and your daughter) badly then you are part of the problem. The fact that he doesn't deal with your daughter is really bad because it means she will grow up in an environment where that is considered a 'normal relationship' and history will repeat itself. CBT is very good at working on depressive symptoms but you really have to stick at it - it can be several months before you feel any benefits. I also believe that you will come around to realising that you can do better for your life than this man. If you won't walk away for yourself, walk away for your daughter. Forget the other 'friend' though as walking straight into his arms isnt going to address the real problem. To get over depression you need 'me time' and you won't be able to work through your issues if you are distracted by him. Good luck!!!
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