A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I need some advise especially if you've gone through this and can help. My wife of 8 years (we've been together for 12), has revealed that she lied about her sexual past. I actually caught her talking to an x on a social networking site that lead to all of this. This person wasn't one of the 4 that she told me about. She admitted to having a one night stand with him so that bumped her number to 5. I than discovered that she lied about one that I knew about and she than bumped her # to 7. But I could still tell there was more so I pressed her (angry about all the lying) and now her number is 9 before me. She swares that's it.I'm really hurting inside and I really don't know how to deal with this. I know the past is the past and "who cares" but that doesn't help with my feelings....
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (24 December 2009):
 As I said, trust is a difficult thing to keep once it has been broken.
The incident with the computer repair, apparently you now believe that she was using it be somewhere else... why?
If she was a with a girlfriend, why would she need to hide this?
What happens to some people is that they become so used to hiding things, that they can't do anything else anymore. Has lying just become a routine for her. And is it then to present herself in a better light or is she hiding something?
You need to sort things out.
What you really feel about HER. And with that I mean is who she pretended to be, the fact that she pretended and who she really is, if you even know who she really is now.
And then, what is it you want in a partner. Can you live with someone who seems to lie as a habit. Can you accept it if her reasons might be simply because she didn't want you to think badly of her? Or if she lied to deceive you. (Fine line in between)
And what if you find out she has been cheating? And if she isn't, do you believe her. Do you want to believe her, or will you always doubt her?
As said, trust is hard to repair. Talk her. Make clear what this is doing you to you. And force her to start telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. And be prepared to make a choice. Either you two seperate, or you accept her for who she is.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2009): OK, so there is a lot more to this than what you originally stated. For all of these reasons, and maybe something even you are not saying, you feel your wife is taking advantage of you and is only seeing you as a meal ticket and she has used you all these years and giving you four kids was just her way of trapping you.
I know it is Christmas and you are feeling like crap, and a lot is on your mind today. I am sorry you are feeling like this, but know that the Holidays can bring about these kinds of feelings all on their own for some reason. I think it is the illusion that we all are supposed to have the picture perfect family life and romantic life with out partners and a lot of us just don't.
I have my own sadness to deal with at this time of the year, so I know what it feels like to hate Christmas.
That said, I think you should just put these issues on the back burner for now and take a deep breath. I am not saying that you have no reason to be upset with your wife however, you could be just over dramatizing this and putting legs to your feelings when maybe they don't warrant that. Feelings can be overwhelmingly strong, but sometimes they are false, they just aren't based in reality but our fears.
Faith is fear turned upside down. I can't imagine even after all you have said here why you think your wife doesn't really love you, because that is what you're getting at. I don't like that kind of lying either when someone says they are out doing something but instead doing something else, but I don't know that it always means that the person is cheating, it could be something else they just don't feel like saying, maybe your wife has an independent streak and she feels like she shouldn't have to report to you. I don't know, just saying that taking this incident out of context isn't really going to lead me to the truth.
Why don't you just wait until after the dust settles from the Holidays, and then find a quiet time to talk to your wife and lay all this stuff out to her and tell her how you are feeling in a non-accusatory way if you can, and listen to her and try to understand her....
If you still feel this doesn't resolve things, why don't you try some professional help, find a family and marriage therapist or a PhD Psychologist to help you with your feelings and help you to come to your own decision about things, and if the therapist thinks it is warranted, then ask your wife to join you.
You can't really change the past, what you have to do is to decide if your love is strong enough to risk going on together in life as a couple. You have to wipe the slate clean and go forward and build a new relationship based on more honesty, communication and trust.
I can't help make your sadness go away, I know it isn't pleasant and it hurts a lot to feel this way, but it's part of being human, we all hurt at times and a lot of people are going through really hard times right now with the job market and the economy which can make you stressed out, vulnerable and depressed. When ever you are depressed you are going to be looking at your life through that filter, where everything seems hopeless and awful.
If any of that is going on in your household, don't let it ruin your relationships. Try to find a way to own your own issues and feelings and to deal with it....your wife should be your safe place to fall, and you hers. If you can't get there to that place of feeling safe with each other, then it is going to make it harder to get through life's trials. See if you can't rebuild your bond, talk to her and tell her how you feel. Pray together if you believe in that sort of thing and give your troubles over to your higher power. We can't control every thing in our lives and sometimes we just don't want to accept that we can't, and it can lead to anger and frustration.
Instead have faith that you can get through this with a stronger marriage than you had before. Think positive, worrying and blaming never solved anything, they are totally useless emotions. Try to think instead of some solutions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLet me add to my previous post, because there are other lies that are material here as well. After becoming engaged to my now wife, I had discovered a notbook in my gargage while cleaning it out. In this notebook, it detailed a weekend sexual encounter with a man she met on-line in another state. Do you know when this man's flight arived, she immeditely went to the hotel room and had sex with him (amoung many other times through the weekend)? I should have known than that this was trouble...I pressed her about how many sexual partners she had had 8+ years ago as a result and she swore on nearly every relative's life she knew that she was telling the truth - only 4 and that that particular incident was her bad judgement. Not to judge her on a mistake....
Well, she had every chance in the world to come clean with me than but she didn't! I'm sickened. That incident above caused big problems for us and looking back, I really should have just called the engagement off. I'm a sucker, I've been cooned, taken for, and I will suffer for the rest of my life!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHonestly...I find this harder and harder as each day passes. Today, shopping in the mall for a few last minute gifts I find myself crying...wondering around the mall just to kill time. I appreciate all of your advise rythumandblues2, but that does not get me past the fact that I feel cheated, lied to, not given accurate information early on in our relationship that would have helped guide me. On top of this, there are other lies looking back at our relationship. When she met me, I was fairly well off financialy...I was going through my first divorce (devistated me) and she came into my life VERY early in that process. We moved in together nearly the first week of dating (at my request)..I thought she was GREAT!! I foundout that she lied to me about how much $$ she made (which I could have cared less about) she doubled that amount - why?? I am not sure. There was a second incident where she was taking her parents computer to be repaired, I spoke to her on the phone while this was apparently happening, but in fact it never happened. She was some where else! How do I know this, because her mother called an hour later asking when her daugther was going to pick the computer up - after I spoke to her on the phone and she apparently had already delivered it to the repair shop. She told me in this instance she was at her girlfriends! How am I to believe this and why the HELL would she lie about that? You know, I was over all of this YEARS ago, but these recent revolations have caused me to re-think all of these lies in our relationship. BTW - the $$ lie was "first impression" wanted me to think highly of her - WTF??? she is kidding me right? I feel used so that she could gain in her own life!!!!! thats the bottom line and I'm angry, upset nd just downright PISSED OFF over where my life is.It's Christmas, I have 4 children with her, and I personally feel like SHIT!!!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2009): Truth is Rarely an Expression of Love
Truth is rarely an expression of love:
Honesty most often precedes pain.
In hope there is the fragrance of illusion;
Romance requires the charm of light confusion;
The best lovers are criminally insane.
Yet lies, eventually, will suck out passion.
One must be truthful if one hopes to love:
Not cruelly, but enough to ease delusion.
Each love must be broken, then built back again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2009): No, it is not OK to lie for your own personal gain, you are still just wanting to be right and you aren't listening.
What I said, was your wife had her reasons for not giving you the exact number of sex partners she had before meeting you, personally, I would NEVER ask this question of any one I was dating or involved with unless there were signs or reasons to believe they were very promiscuous or had different values from me on what constitutes cheating. I really don't think the number is any of your business! She has a past, deal with it, so do you. How many sex partners had you had before you met her?
You are simply losing sight of what is important. You are sitting here telling us that if you had known the truth 12 years ago that you don't know if you would have stayed with her? Come on that's a bunch of crap! You fell in love with the woman. You have 12 years of history with her, has she ever cheated on your before?
What really seems to be burning you up is this latest bit of information that she called some guy just to catch up after meeting him on a social network site.
I understand your concern here. But don't persecute your wife for her past, you are trying to connect the dots and leaping to a conclusion that this means she is a cheater, that it is who she is. Is she?
If I were you, I would lask her to diable her Facebook account if it really bothers you, and tell her how you feel about her using it to reconnect with old boyfriends. Ask her why she is doing when she is married with a family. If your wife is a social even sentimental person and wants to think over her life and her past it could be purely innocent. I am 53 years old, and I can tell you that when you reach my age, it is important to keep in touch periodically with people who knew you in school, they knew what you were like when you were just a kid and share that history of growing up together. It is just important to remember where you came from and it is interesting to see how everyone turned out, and it is fun to tell stories that you had all but forgotten about.
It's part of getting older and accepting life and people for all their quirks and their faults and having an interest in them. It isn't always about finding someone to f ck. For me it would never be about that. For many men it could be, for some women, but I think for most it would be about what I just explained.
Give your wife the benefit of the doubt until proven guilty. You can't do anything about it if she were to decide to cheat, but you can damage your relationship by holding on to insecurity and fear and offloading that onto her through accusations and mistrust. You have a right to your feelings though, and you can simply express how this makes you feel and let her respond or do as she will.
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A
male
reader, spud4 +, writes (23 December 2009):
This has been extremely difficult for me. I realize that my wife and I were very young when she cheated. I too feel cheeted. To be clear, I was not looking specifically for a virgin; it would not have mattered to me if she were not. The difficulty lay in the lies. We have been married for 13 years and I am still not over it. I feel cheated because I have never had sex with (or kissed) another woman/girl - even in college. I have been praying for years for God to help me get over this. My wife has been a great mother and wife to me (except lying about her past). I feel a combination of hurt, guilt and regret.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionrythemandblues2 - that is exactly why I am asking for help on how to deal with this. I don't want to leave and doubt I will. I need help/advice in accepting this. Honestly, when I look back, if my wife were honest from day 1 I'm not sure if I would have stayed with her or not. However, I do feel cheated because our relationship was based on certain facts that I was told 12 years ago that turned out to be grossly false. I didn't have the right information back than to make the right decision to move forward - and that really bothers me. So what I'm hearing is that it's OK to lie to your partner for your own persnal gain/benefit. To me, that's simply NOT true. It destroys trust.If she really didn't want her past to come out, than she should have done everything possible to make sure it didn;t - including not becoming friends with one of them on social sites, including not chatting with them on-line, including not speaking to them on the phone to "catch up with an old firend" - which is what she did.Spud4 - I feel really bad for you. Your situation is a little worse. I certainly wouldn't be able to handle the fact that my wife cheated on me while in a relationship with me - which appears to be your case - even though you weren't married.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2009): Look, I don't know how to say this, but you are old enough and mature enough not to let your hurt male pride and ego get in the way of 8 years of marriage and 12 years of history with this woman.
Has she been a good wife? Is she a good mother? Is she a good sister, a good friend? Is she a good person, would you trust your children's lives with her?
You knew you wife was not a virgin when you met her, you knew she had a past sexual history and unless she had a contagious STD or a unusually promiscous past sexual history, then I don't think the number of people she had sex with is all that important. We are talking less than 10 people, not in the 50's or 100's th at most males can boast of. This is a terrible double standard that women must put up with and deal with. Why should she have to put up with it from you after all you have been through together and all that she has done to help you.
Is your life better for having known her? Is it worse?
Is this topic important enough to allow to destroy your bond or put a huge chink in your trust? It's in the past, this wasn't something she "did to you. It was her life and frankly she may have misquoted the number because she was simply insecure about the double standard that women are put upon....everyone lies, even you, about some things especially when you are trying to save the hurt feelings or fear it would instill in a loved one to tell the cold hard truth.
Being truthful in a relationship is important especially if your actions would harm another person or not allow them to make a choice in a particular matter.
Are you saying that this whole mess is your ticket out of your marriage vows? Really? Then you are not giving your wife the unconditional love that you promised her when you married her, are you? Now who is the liar and the cheat?
Go ahead and cheat your children out of a stable, loving home life with their parents. Go ahead and call your wife a damn liar and a slut and get down to the courthouse and put your male pride and your ego down on the table and sign the divorce papers.
I am sure that your life will be so much better and happier if you do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThings are a bit more complicated bacause children are involved. I don't think that she's ever cheated on me or would ever cheat. But I just feel horrible and I can't stop questioning if now I have the truth or not.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2009): At least one of your answers was less than helpful. You were lied to by someone who you love about something that is important to you so yes it is a big deal. I would put her on notice that you are more than a bit pissed off with her lies and the fact she is not trustworthy. She certainly requires more monitoring. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2009): http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/200808/trust-your-feelings-maybe-not
Strong feelings do not necessarily make a strong character. The strength of a man is to be measured by the power of the feelings he subdues not by the power of those which subdue him.
William Carleton
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A
male
reader, spud4 +, writes (22 December 2009):
Hi,
I know what you are going through. In fact I am in the exact same situation except my wife actually admitted to cheating on me twice (before we were married). See my original post here:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-wife-told-me-she-was-a-virgi2.html
please let me know if you get any good answers
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2009): What we are forgetting is that the wife was having a conversation with an ex when he caught her. Why is she conversing with that guy when she is married to the OP?
It appears that the wife is not being truly committed here and he sees her lies about her past as indications that she may be lying about what she is presently up to when she is not at home.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (22 December 2009):
Part of it is trust and it being broken.
Trust is something very fragile on which we build everything. Just think about it, if you didn't trust ALL humans, would you dare to go out where just anyone can stab you on the street? Cross a street where just anyone can run you down. Eat food that just anyone could have poisoned?
And these things have happened. People have been randomly stabbed, people have been run down by random strangers and people have poisoned food on supermarket shelves.
And yet, we trust this won't happen to us.
We must, because else we can't live.
And it is the same with relationships, we want them to be monogamous but how can we be sure? We can't, unless you lock her/him up in the basement and that is such a hassle.
We base our relationships on trust, on believing what our partner tells us is the truth, that this is really who he/she is.
And then she lied. The lie itself matters but a large part of the hurt is that now you don't know what is true and what isn't anymore. She lied several times that you know off, so how can you believe anything else? The trust has been damaged and that is very hard to repair because it wasn't based on anything. She swears she is telling the truth now, but what value does that have? It had no value before apparently.
Repairing trust is very difficult, at least it is to me. wether you can/want to do it, that is up to you.
People often lie about things that they think will hurt their case. And she had a case, a presentation when she was dating you. We all do that. We suck in our stomach, put on deoderant to hide our smell. We dress ourselves up, pretend we are a bit more attractive then we are. She reduced her sexual experience because she probably felt that it would look better. And she might even have convinced herself that it didn't really count. Women do that because every girl is programmed to marry in white even if she gang banged the navy.
You might have told yourself that you accepted your wifes past by limiting it, it is "only" 4. And then you find out it is double in several stages and is this the end of the line? It has ruined your image of her.
You got to ask yourself, how important is the image you had of her and whether you can "forgive" her for it. And I don't really mean forgive as in granting a pardon but as in acceptance.
And then there is the trust issue, can you feel you can trust her now?
Often people can't, but they pretend for the sake of things and this then leads years later to trouble because of slowly build up resentment.
I honestly got to admit that I live by the principle of "fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on you." I am not good at trusting again after it has been betrayed. But is not an easy way to live.
What is worth more to you? Your marriage or your pride? And be honest about this, because I have seen people poison their lives by not admitting just how dangerous hurt pride can be. if you put this behind you, it must really be a thing of the past and not be brought up in a big fight years from now.
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A
female
reader, baybay +, writes (22 December 2009):
 the only reason why your upset is because you probley have been only with one or two people
its seriously not that big of a deal stop crying like a little b****
odviously shes with you and not them
jealously is definatly a low confidence thing
hence suppppper unattractive
the only reson you have a good reason to care so much is if she had an std
odviously you would know by now
so its stupid to be this devistated
and trust me people forget bout one night stands because they were sooooo meaningless hence the name one night stands
my stepdad told me this quote that he swears by
when it comes to sex how ever many people the women says shes had sex with add four to however many a guy says subtract four
good luck hope i helped
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2009): Anyone who says "it's not a big deal" should exit the conversation. They have no clue what this guy is wrestling with and they are just insulting and hurtful when they dismiss his feelings.
To the original poster asking the question, you need to look up retroactive jealousy. You are not alone in this at all. There are many questions and answers on this subject from many other misunderstood men just like you. Millions of people go on being tormented by these feelings in silence while the mainstream pretends that it's not normal.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2009): wow this is a common complaint.The issue really deals with fear and jealousy.Unfortunately there is nothing anyone can say to rationally move the feeling of pain and disappointment that you feel.Emotions aren't logicalIf someone could look in your mind they would see an imagination of your wife and these guys doing it over and over. That imagination threatens your sense of well being.The more you feed the imagination the greater power and control it has over your conscious thoughts.The healing process is to starve it out. Don't ask about it anymore.Spend some free time volunteering to help people less fortunate EX.(HOMELESS SHELTER) .Soon you will realize how small this situation is compared to all the hurting people with much greater issues.When you focus on others needs it is impossible to obsess over the past.You could prosecute her now for crimes committed years ago but that will not change a thing.Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
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female
reader, kendie75 +, writes (22 December 2009):
Wow! I thought men knew that ALL women lie about how many men they have actually been with. We just figure that some things are better left unknown. Women usually do have a healthy sex drive just like men. Nine partners does not make her a porn star. Maybe she knew you could not handle the truth. Stop making her feel bad about who she used to be and begin to realize how lucky you are to have someone who loves you. Besides, if you were completely honest with yourself you would see this is your own insecurity. Do YOU feel that you are lacking in the bedroom? Stop it and play nice!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2009): Most men lie and say they have been with more women than they have been and most women say they have been with less. This is not very nice or honest, but it's normal.
It is silly to hold the past over your wife's head. Yes, she made a mistake by not telling you, but what could she possibly do about it now? It doesn't do either of you any good to be angry about the past. Forgive her and move on for the health and happiness of your relationship. And if you want her to be happy with you, that means not bringing it up every chance you get. Forgiving her means not rubbing it in her face.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2009): Don't let Facebook ruin your relationship. It's stupid, she is your wife....what does her past have to do with your present? Nothing, stop being an ass and tell her to quit talking to the one night stand guy and call it a day.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2009): ok so i know this must be very difficult for you, any lies within a relationship can be extremely hard to get over. I dont know the ins and outs of your own personal relationship but i feel that if this is the only thing your wife has lied about then you need to give her the benefit of the doubt, its a common belief that when asked about sexual partners that woman say a lesser number and men say a higher number than is actually fact. Talk to her, make her understand that by lying to you she has made you doubt everything. It may take time to trust her again but i'm sure ye can work this out and hopefully through talking it can make ye stronger. Good Luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2009): It could be that she lied out of fear you would reject her. Give her the benefit of the doubt and think about the present instead. Life is too short to concentrate on things that have gone before.
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