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female
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anonymous
writes: A few months ago I split up from a long term boyfriend. At one point I thought he was the love of my life, and I had never been in a proper relationship before this. It ended after he cheated on me, and is now seeing someone that I always thought he liked. I feel like she has just taken over and is now seeing a lot of his friends which are friends of mine as well. I feel like I'm being pushed out of my friendship groups because I could never stand to see my ex, let alone his new girlfriend in social situations.Because this was my first relationship it feels like I'm never going to meet somebody, and I just can't get my ex out of my head. It's so unfair that he's now happy as larry, yet I've never done anything so hurtful to him and I'm miserable! My ex also keeps texting me saying I'm important and still wants to be friends. He's also telling people that he doesnt really want to be with this girl and would rather be with me if it wasnt for uni. I'm so confused! Obviously I believe nothing my ex says but you always want to believe something like that. I just seem to be consumed by the whole thing and can't get on with my life, but then I still have so much anger inside me. Any response from somebody who has been in the same situ would be well recieved!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2005): First of all, your ex b/f has to stop calling you. as hard as this is for you...he must stop. You are trying to recover from a heartbreaking break up..and contact with him
is hurting you. He's calling you, because he's only trying to appease his own feelings of guilt for messing around on you. What a selfish thing of him to do. Don't allow him to do that. Set some boundries in your life and don't tolerate this. He needs to think long and hard about what he did to you and he needs to take ownership of that well-placed guilt. Cheating on you was demeaning..it was embarrassing, painful. And I feel it's awful that he keeps calling you...which is just giving you "a false sense of hope".
What you need to do to cope is surround yourself with people who give you genuine, real hope rather than drag you back into the past or drag you down. Your family, other friends and loved ones are all people you trust. Start spending time with these people. Make a list of all the things that are great about you and tell yourself. Say to yourself what I like about me is. Try making a list of all the qualities a new partner will get when they win you over and re-read and add to this list whenever you think of something else. This will boost your confidence a lot-that you will begin moving forward away from the bad memories and make you feel renewed. Ask yourself each day what you have to be grateful for. Thinking that you have a roof over your head, a job, education or just that you have family that love you and being grateful for the sun shining and having enough to eat is sometimes very healing. It allows you to focus on what is possible and not what is no longer. But the most important thing to remember is ..Love yourself..be kind to YOU. Treat and indulge yourself...you deserve it. Good luck in this journey and remember, there will be someone else for you
down the road. He's there..you just have to find him. But for now, focus on becoming the best you can be and stay positive!
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reader, pops +, writes (27 July 2005):
You are the one punishing yourself. Only you can stop it. You can make new friends. You should find a new boyfriend. Ignor him, and the new girlfriend. Since his cheating on you so upset you, you should be more than willing to say, " good riddance". You should be happy that some other woman is stuck with him. Does she know he tells people he would rather be with you? I wonder how long that relationship would last if she knew that??? Get on with your life. Forget this guy. He cheated on you, and you didn't stand for it. Perhaps examine the relationship to see what was lacking, if anything, that might have been used by him to justify his misbehavior. Then decide if YOU want to make any changes in how you deal with the next man in your life. Love isn't about logic. Of course you are confused. You are also angry, and have every right to be. I once was making love to a woman who just wanted a sexual relationship with me, and nothing more. She had an on again, off again, relationship with a guy that had been going on for 20 years, and she got mad at him when he announced that he was going to spend christmas with his wife and family, and not see her for several days. So, she called me. We saw each other a couple of times and had a lot of fun with each other. However, my exwife called me up, and wanted us to try to get back together again. We talked long about it, and I decided I owed it to myself to give it a try. Instead of being a rat to this other woman, I called her and told her what had happened and what I had decided, and then told her that we needed to break off our relationship. She was hurt, as I believe now that she was not being honest with herself about her feelings for me. But, I broke it off. My wife and I dated for two years, and then she announced that she was seeing another guy, and thought she was falling in love with him. She dumped me. Then she proceeded to call me every week, and often more often to ask advice on her new relationship. She finally dropped him, and starting dating a new man, who she has now married. She kept calling me to talk about her relationship and sexual problems with her boyfriends up to a week before the wedding, when I finally asked her, " Don't you think its about time you start asking your fiance these questions?" I think she has been angry at me ever since, but I don't get any more calls from her. I got hurt as a result of letting that go on too long, so I do know how you are feeling. We will both survive.
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A
female
reader, missmellis +, writes (27 July 2005):
I have been right where you are. I learned that the most important thing you have to learn is that it is all about you. He made the choice to be unfaithful. You have to realize that he will be again. Realize that he knows you are uncomfortable seeing him and that is what feeds him. I myself had to look deep inside me and basically grow a spine and get some confidence. If your friends are unwilling to hang somewhere else then they truley are not friends. You will get back out there again. He says he misses you and wants to remain friends, and there is a reason for that. By remaining in contact and being friends it is just like saying to him "It is ok you cheated on me". People have a funny way of thinking of things. It will eat him alive if he sees that you have moved on. And the best thing for you is to go out and shine with confidence. I found men love a women with great confidence, even if it is on the outside. Show him you are worth more than what he was willing to give you. Remember this is all just an opinion and what I learned from my own personal experience.
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