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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hey,I'm writing in hoping that you could give me advice of what to do with my teacher.Usually I'm quite rational in making decisions of what is good or what is bad to do. But more than i think, more I'm confused. That's why i'm asking you for a help.I'm 19 years old, an adult and i'm leaving school this June. He's 46, married with older kids. The bizzarest thing is that his older son is 10 years older than me! And yes, I have crush on his father. He's slmost everything I'm looking for in a guy. He's artistic (designer), he's very kind, calm, mysterious, flirty, smart and it seems like we share the shame thoughts of life and it seems like he sees right through me. I don't mind about age difference or that he was my teacher, because I'm leaving school in 2 weeks.I'm sure that we would have very good relationship if we have a chance. Our relationship through the last two years was very nice, flirty and we got along extremely well. Now when I'm leaving school, i'm thinking about confessing him my feelings towards him. I wouldn't tell him that I want him just sexually because I don't and he's married. I would tell him that I have always felt very strong chemistry between us and that I would love to spend more time with him, talking, laughing etc. I feel that I could talk with him for a long hours. And besides that, he's very handsome man too and i wouldn't bother to have psyhical contact with him.So my first question is, should I tell him how I feel? I think it would be fair for both of us if I do that, because it would make our relationship more clear. On the other hand, it wouldn't be fair because he has a wife. And the second question is, how can I tell him? Should I write him an e-mail or just simply ask him if he would like to go with me on a coffee?Thanks for your answers.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mysterious_blonde_lady  +, writes (11 June 2009):
I meant when a married man is interested in a woman outside of his marriage;; he is usually interested in one thing only. I dont mean that all married men are looking to cheat; i mean the ones who are, want a bit on the side. Out to ruin her day lol or bad experience. I'm just trying to make sure she doesn't get her hopes up.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2009): Mysterious Blonde lady;
"the biggest problem i find with married men is they are always looking for their 'bit on the side'. "
What?? This has to be the most depressing generalisation of society you could possibly find on a 'dearcupid' relationship advice website! And advising a 19 year old of this? Are you bitter from bad experience or just out to ruin her day? Because its not true! Sure, some are, so are some women, but if all of them were/ all the time, no one should get married ever!?
To the OP- it's not clear if you mean to have an affair with him or simply want to be hs friend. But either way, put yourself in his wife- or child's position- i'm sue they would feel uncomfortable by your beginning a close friendship with him privately.
The only way you could reasonably keep in touch would be to invite BOTH him and his wife out for coffee (and definately shouldn't go if he said she wasn't available to join you both!). If you feel this would be inappropriate to invite them both to socialise with you, well- you have your answer.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2009): so sorry, but it does not look good at all.
how would you feel if your step son is 10 years older than you? the public isn't going to be gentle on you.
you CAN tell him how you feel, but I don't think it'll make your dreams come true.
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A
female
reader, mysterious_blonde_lady +, writes (7 June 2009):
Lol. Difficult; the biggest problem i find with married men is they are always looking for their 'bit on the side'. Generally, they would like to have all of a good thing. Because he is married, and still married he therefore either loves his wife or is too scared to leave her - this means the likelihood of him his wife is very slim. He is 46 years old and has children older than you, which means he will be considering what is best for his children and how they would feel about you and him. I'm sure if your father left your mother for a girl younger than you, you'd be pretty angry at that person. Obviously, if he chooses to be with you, it isn't entirely your fault because he can say no anytime, however what is likely to happen in this situation if he wants a relationship with you, unfortunately it is likely he will only be interested in the physical side of the relationship. You and him, will be a secret and that will never change. If at any point he thinks you are developing strong feelings for him and will want more of him he may break it off with you.
Men are generally easy to get into bed, (even married men) but getting a guy to fall in love with you is more difficult especially if they are already with someone. Because you know he is with someone, he would use this as an opportunity to keep you at arms length - he has a wife, he does not need another one. Also, because his kids have been your age he will think he knows alot about you because of that and will take a very presumptuous view of you.
If you wish to start an affair with him, then that's your decision just be aware that married men VERY rarely leave their wives EVEN if they fall in love with someone else. Not necessarily because they love their wife, more because they are scared to be alone. If a man leaves his wife (someone who will always be with him till he dies) for a young girl (i.e. aged 16-24) there is, because she is still maturing and growing up, a chance that this relationship won;t last long.
The thing is even if you feel in love with him now, you might not feel the same way give it 2 or even 5 years. A 46 year old man with kids and married, has already done the 'dating thing' and wants to continue in a 'settled down' state. If he is with you, he would need commitment for the rest of his life. And seeing as you are 19, this is a huge sacrifice to make and most older men knowing that, will know it is not wise to leave a committed guarantee relationship for someone much younger. There are exceptions sometimes young women stay with older men; but relationships are never perfect and you would never want to feel obligated to him because of him leaving his wife. Bear in mind also; as he has children this would mean that holidays etc.. you would have to sit at a table with him and his kids and make small talk (this sounds pretty painful to me). If you want an affair with him; i'd make it just that an affair. Anything else would be impractical.
So; if you wish to begin an affair with him probably best to avoid any 'i jhave feelings for you' also you want to come across as mature as possible; i would go with something easy like having a long convo with him about the last couple years or whatever 'remember when that happened' and etc... and then open with 'itll be weird not seeing you every day.' maybe turn it into a joke with 'itll be nice' to lighten things and then laugh after to show it is a joke and then say 'you ever wanna go for a drink?' or 'you wanna go for a drink after() i have to go and do () but i can spare an hour or so?'
If he wants to know you even if he is busy he will make time; he might say 'i cant im doing this... but how about..' if he doesn;t that means he feels it would be innappropiate and there isn't much else you can go after that. If he says he thinks it would innappropriate etc.. then just say 'i understand completely' and laugh and say 'it was just a thought; i was just hoping we could be friends' and laugh. 'well anyway it was nice knowing you '' or something. 'if you ever change your mind'. and leave it there. Not embarassing for you in the slightest then because he will be left thinking over and over; maybe i should have taken her up on her offer, and he will think you are wonderful and always remember you.
If he agrees to see you act very casually about it (always have somewhere in mind before you ask) coz if you don't know where you'll look silly. Choose somewhere where there won't be any/many people he knows or you know and meet him there, don't get him to drive you lol. and if you see him for a drink dont get drunk it's ok to loosen up a little but he;d feel very awkward im sure if you got drunk.
If it gets that far; and you are with him drinking, make sure you have topics in mind to discuss because you don;t want to be sat there half silent going 'so....'.
Anyways hope i helped x
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A
male
reader, papercat  +, writes (7 June 2009):
dont even bother, it wont work out, just leave it as a fantasy. :)
you will only cause unnecessary drama, and nobody likes drama starters lol
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