A
female
age
41-50,
*inderz
writes:Dear Cupid i have been with my bf for a year and a half we are in a committed relationship but still don't live together yet.My problem is that he works with his ex-girlfriend whom dumped him three years previous and who is now married and has been since there breakup.Yet still she call my bf after working hour constantly and he calls her with any major life issues. I am really not the jealous type so i thought but recently it has just made me angry.I went to my computer one day and found in my hist he was on red-line porn site and had typed in "Heather"for his search(his ex's name)and the porn following was of a pregnant women having sex! Heather(THE EX) at the time was in fact pregnant!I was very disturbed but choose to not say anything at the time.I finally snapped the other day when after driving him home from a minor surgery he had the nerve to call her in the car in front of me to tell her he was alright?I told him what i had found and why it made me so unsure!He just laughed and said he didn't recall doing that and basically said in time i would get over it and he claimed "they are just friends?"we work together ....i tell you about it im not hiding anything from you he says.We have already had the discussion about this several times and he knows it hurts me yet it still happens. I wonder why she is supposedly happily married and has kids with this guy she dumped my bf for but i have to wonder if this is true being she still calls my bf after hours even though they have been working together for 8 hours in a day?Even worse he tells me it took him three years to get over her and he was not with anyone for three years until he meet me?Now another gf from high school married has contacted him outta the blue and sent him a flirty message on Myspace UGGGG! What do i do here i cannot understand why he would keep doing this even though he knows i don't like it/its upsetting me.....What the heck can i do here he obviously has to work and can't get another job i love him but i do not know if i can deal with this?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): your b/f has an emotional attachment with this woman and vice versa. the bad news is that it is not going to change. Ever. Can you live this this constant encroachment in your life.
Fast forward a few years:
You also need to be aware that if something does happen in her marriage and it ends, your b/f would be # 1 in line to comfort her (which may lead to him resuming his relationship with her). The inevitable is unfolding unbeknown to the ex g/f's husband and you. The emotional attachment will not be broken. The ex g/f is actually "cheating" on her husband. Your b/f is providing her something that her husband is not.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): My sister is a type one diabetic....they can be hard headed about a lot of things...it comes with the territory I think, having to be in tight control themselves.
Well, I am glad to hear that you are going to keep your options open. If you are planning on seeing how things are going to pan out, you are a stronger woman than me, but just remember, don't let him take you for granted...because if you don't that will force his hand and his true feelings. If you won't let a guy play with your heart that is only in it for what he can get out of it, then he will leave, it will be more than he wants to deal with....if he doesn't want a real realtionship with you....so it works to your advantage not to allow him to take you for granted....set your boundaries with him and stick to them.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, cinderz +, writes (30 March 2009):
cinderz is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thks for the response rhythm and blues for your response....and well i don't think he hangs with white trash and i know he is not a party type he has type one diabetes so... but i think the self centered comment is dead on ...The whole porn thing i was not supposed to run across i'm sure he just forgot to erase it! non the less ,from what i gather he was having a fantacy about being with her and im sure has been having those for the whole time he has been broke up he has an emotional attachment with her and since he could not finish fist he has dealt with the loss by accepting to be second at best ie:her fallback boy...in hopes that he will someday have her again if her marriage should end in the future for now he has me to pass the time pretend to be over it and gets to still have some kind of a relationship with her....this is what i really think is going on though he may not have even know what he is doing .... his actions speak louder than words! SO for now i will stay round and see what happens but i will not take our relationship serious like i once did! I will start talking with other guys in my meantime too and keep my options open!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): Some guys just can't get past highschool, he wants the female attention it makes him feel like a stud.
The whole pregnant porn thing confuses me.....he sounds like he runs with a sort of seedey immoral bunch....would I ge right in saying that? Are these people kind of white trash or something? You know tacky, loud, will fight you for what you have because they are jealous and don't care about anyone else but themselves and getting theres?
I hate to say this but I find this common amongst your generation, self centered partyers that like to use people for their own gain and to boost their self centered egos.....but there are those of you who play along with these types and really want something more, but are confused about where to find it.
My feeling is that your boyfriend is pretty self centered when you tell him how this makes you feel and he just keeps doing it and ignoring you about it....so I am not sure what to tell you to do about it, except possibly breaking up with him and looking for a guy who shares your values and doesn't think it is cute to talk to married women about all his major life issues instead of his girlfriend, and doesn't want to see porns made by his ex and think that is so coool......it sounds to me like he is a sleaze, sorry.
The only other thing is I guess if you can't fight em, join em, start looking up your exes and call them in front of him and flirt etc....but where is that going to get you really?
I had a boyfriend who talked to his exes, talked to married women all the time about their problems.....I guess they were just friends, but it took a lot of his emotional energy and time away from our relationship....we ended up breaking up, I didn't do well with that kind of treatment.....I wanted him to turn towards me, and to care enough about how I felt to limit his contact with such women......but sometimes work relationships become more important almost to people than their real life relationships because they do get to be like family and spend more time with them than family and sometimes you just have to ask them to take a reality check here.....Is it really going to be those people who they go home with at night, is it those people who are going to be in their future and who they are building a life with or is it you? Do they want to work on your common goals or waste their time on childish pranks with a bunch of coworkers who won't be in their lives 5 years from now?
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