A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:It would be really great if I could get some responses from anyone who has actually been through a divorce and then remarried.I jokingly asked my boyfriend about three weeks before our engagement party why he’s sure he wants to marry me and he said what he loves most is that I don’t have any “baggage” which is just the best thing for him. What he meant was I had never been married before and had no kids to complicate matters. He was married before and has a daughter.Is that the general feeling among divorced people – that you’re lucky to get someone without ‘baggage”? It sounds like an insult to me – insulting to ladies with kids, previously married women and the never-been-marrieds.I don’t like to think that a guy is marrying me for my conveniently never being married and not just me as a person with or without “baggage”.I don’t know if that engagement is going ahead.
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female
reader, nomdeplume +, writes (6 May 2011):
Firstly Baggage doesn't = children.
Baggage = Hang ups which could be exes, children, work, friendships, family, attitude, illness, health etc.
Pretty much anything that anyone has issues about in (the keyword) THEM SELVES.
Its a compliment to be seen as to have no baggage, ONLY be careful not to take on his baggage as your own, don't be a baggage handler or customs and excise.
Keep your sense of self (tough one). Enjoy the relationship for what it is, yet do not ever let a relationship define you or invest all of your emotional wellbeing in it or you too will have.
BAGGAGE. Next customer please :)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): I know tons of women who say they don't want a man with financial "baggage" from previous relationships. Alimony, child support, etc. Is that criteria the slightest bit less judgmental?
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A
female
reader, HoneyEyedLatina  +, writes (5 May 2011):
 It is a compliment darling. Since he's divorced and has children it easier for you guys to progress as a family. It can be difficult to start a new family when you have to deal with ex spouses or deal with the baby mama or baby daddy drama. That doesn't mean that you should avoid marrying someone who doesn't have that kind of baggage. That would be insensitive not to give a person like that a chance. (I know its not the case with you) I'm about to marry my fiance and he was divorced many years ago. He is the one for me and if I would have over looked him cause of the baggage, I would probably be dating some type of party butthole. However I want to respond to the female anonymous below me. "He's saying you're intelligent enough not to have made any stupid mistakes and mature enough to wait for a 'keeper' to come along."Having children is not a stupid mistake. Also, being divorced does not make you immature. Sure most of us (me) wait a long time before marriage because we want to be sure we meet the right guy. However, some people fall in love at a very young age and are ready to be married. If everyone had pyschic powers and knew their marriage would end in divorce then no one would get married so there is absolutely no reason to say that a person is more mature if they never have been married. Plus, most men or women with kids or are divorced are actually more mature than those who don't. Reason being is because once you have a child you are forced to grow up and become a provider. Plus, once you have been divorced, you know exactly what to do in your next marriage to make it work. So to the lady below me, you are incorrect!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2011): I'd definitely take it as a compliment.
He's saying you're intelligent enough not to have made any stupid mistakes and mature enough to wait for a 'keeper' to come along. You won't bring stress into the relationship by past associations and you two can have a fresh start.
I don't agree with the other comments on here that it's a negative thing. God knows I wouldn't want to date a man with kids or ex wives!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2011): I am a loving kind and compassionate person and a great mum to my grown up son and the best thing about my partner is he doesn't have an ex or child. I have dated several men with ex's and children and it has been stressful and difficult. I adore children and it is no reflection on that. It is a compliment to you. He is saying its great that you don't have the complications that you both have to deal with on his side. I am so relieved I don't have to deal with that with my partner. Who knows if we break up and I meet another great guy who has an ex and children it wouldn't put me off but I would be wary of his ex and the complications involved.... It really is a compliment.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2011): I know why it sounds a tad insulting...he likes you because of what you aren't, not because of what you are.
It's similar to liking a woman because she isn't educated (therefore less intellectually threatening)
...or liking her because she has "low mileage" (likely to be less interested or tempted in partners besides himself).
Like TEM says, it says more about him and his sense of security, not you. Dealing with someone who is more similar to himself and has the same biography means he knows he would have to share her attention with a child and an ex-partner. Your naivete and inexperience in this situation makes you a more attractive partner to him.
It's probably not the major reason to justify marrying someone or the best way to answer the question, "Why do you want to marry me?"
I know people often have negative reasons for dating people...I do to. For instance, after dating a lot of assholes, I find myself incredibly attracted to "nice" men...even if they might be described as "doormats" or potentially "un-manly." I like them because they aren't jerks. People do like each other for negative reasons... it's inevitable for anyone whose had made mistakes or has regrets, but it's best to give positive reasons when asked.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 May 2011):
 i married a man with a child.
i'm a divorced woman with grown children.
I don't see it as baggage... I refer to my stepdaughter as the bonus child.
I don't see it as an insult but I also don't see it as a positive
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2011): I think hes just being honest and saying hes glad hes not marrying someone like himself! Its much more attractive to most people to date someone whos not already done everything before and doesnt have an ex and children already. It just makes things so much simpler and stress free. Ive dated men with 'baggage' and men without any and much preferred dating the ones without baggage. Sorry im just being honest too!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2011): I wouldn't assume he is possessive. He may just have a lot to contend with, and wants a clean slate to rebuild his life. He sees you as a fresh start and a person he can rebuild with and have no obstacles or ties to maintain. Perhaps his divorce was bitter, or his relationship with his kids is strained or a reminder of failure and complication in his life. You represent the opposite...no complication.
Like TEM posted...I dont think it's a bad thing. It's a positive comment. But what he may not realize, and it wont matter now that he's with you, is people with "baggage" may be a bit more "worldly wise" to some things...especially relationships. It can be an advantage to be with a person who has had to face challenges in life. It's a matter of perception...some people call it baggage. Others call it "ability to face change". In any case, it builds character.
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (4 May 2011):
 That statement says more about his character than anything about you. It is not an insult to you. What he is telling you is that he is too possessive to marry someone who has any close bonds (i.e. an ex with a child) to anyone else.
When someone has had a child with someone else they are forever bonded to that person. Your fiance will have to stay in touch with the mother of his child. He will have to see her on special occasions such as birthdays, etc.
Your fiance doesn't want to share your affections with anyone else. I don't mean to imply he is a person of poor character. I believe he knows himself well enough to understand that he would have a hard time dealing with what he calls baggage.
It's not a bad thing. He loves you very much.
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