A
female
age
41-50,
*azzie1
writes:So confused! I have 2 boys ages 16 and 9 from the same man which I left 5years ago. Since, then I've been in a toxic realtionship for 5years. He has a temper and has been violent in the past just last week he came to my house and broke my perfume and lotion by throwing against the wall because he said I'm always ready to break up and tell him to take his stuff out my house. Mind you he's been asking me to have a baby so that he can have a family cuz he feel's he has nothing with me cuz my boys aren't his but he has a 12yr old girl which he see's every other weekend. I told him that I didnt want to have a baby cuz he has showed me nothing but negativity and the reason that I have took him back was cuz I thought he would change. He then tells me that why would he want to marry me if Im not giving him at least a child. There's times he can be perfect like just 2 days ago he sent me fruit flowers to my job and just 2weeks ago he was disrecpecting me at an event we went to. I think I am doing the right thing but I feel sad in a way cuz I would have loved a baby but not by him cuz of all the bull he has put me through like leaving on vacation with a friend to dominican republic just because..when I found out he said didn't I take you to St. Lucia in May..so, whats the problem mind you he lied and told me he was out of state at a friends house..I have no trust for him. Is it worth me just leaving after 5years? Please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): This man is emotionally abusive. Abusers rarely ever change. He will not change. Whatever you do, do NOT bring an innocent and wretched baby into this toxic relationship. It's clear he sees the baby as a "thing" not a real life human being who will have feelings. He only wants a baby with you so he can mark his territory i.e. claiming ownership of you, because you bore his child. This is completely unfair to any child to be brought into such a relationship. If he were a real man he would be proud to be a step-parent with the woman he loves and would embrace her kids and treat them like his own, not be fixated on the fact that they didn't come from his loins. And why isn't his own daughter "enough" for him to feel like he has a family? This guy is nuts.And as if that isn't enough reason to not have a baby with him, a violent person should not be a parent. you should leave him already because he is emotionally abusive and physically violent (how soon before he hits you and/or your boys?)
A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (17 December 2010):
 Of course you shouldn't be having a baby with this abusive man. It would be troubling for the child to be brought up in such a hostile environment. If you then split up with him, he would still have legal rights of access to the child which would give him chance to see you and hurt you further. He doesn't want a baby with you - he just sees having a baby as another way to control you and tie himself to you. At the point that he is physically or verbally abusive you need to leave before that escalates. Being married to this man would be hell and you could be in real danger. Perpetrators of domestic violence can be superficially charmers who make grand gestures and false promises. In their mind, the gifts and sweet talk make up for the bad behaviour. Perpetrators of domestic violence are also a risk of being child abusers. By leaving him then he may be forced to face up to his psychological difficulties and seek help. It maybe the best thing you could ever do for him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): Yes, leave and give yourself the chance to be happy.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 December 2010):
He wont' change. Ever. And you need to protect your boys from this man. Yes, 100% leave him.
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