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He treats me like a girlfriend, but doesn't want anyone to know we're dating

Tagged as: Dating, Friends with Benefits, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 August 2012) 6 Answers - (Newest, 21 September 2012)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I am so confused. I have been seeing someone who I am very infatuated with for about 2 weeks. He told me in the beginning not to fall for him and that he didn't want to put a label on our relationship. He wants to keep quiet about it at school although they already know about it...

I could understand all of this if it were just a f*ck buddy thing but what confuses me is that it isn't.

He told me that he didn't just want only sex, that it was in fact just secondary and that he genuinely enjoys my company. He opens up to me, helps me when I need it, cuddles me, holds my hand, kisses me spontaneously and calls me endearing names, takes me out on dates, listens when I have a problem, has me stay the night, remembers what I wore when he first saw me...

But the other day I made the mistake of implying we had a relationship and he said-this isn't a relationship.

He is very touchy and jumpy about classmates knowing we are together, but I overheard him tell his friend that he was seeing me and when we bumped into a classmate on a date, he was sheepish but said he didn't care.

Sometimes it seems like he wants me to fall for him despite him saying otherwise b/c of his sweeter actions. I'm not quite there yet, but I will be...

He told me he has an issue trusting women b/c of some experiences with them.

I am just so confused... Why is he so affectionate if he doesn't want a relationship. Sex is one thing, but the icing is another and I'm not the only one of us who wants it. I mean, he will say something if I don't kiss him after he opens the car door (my toll for entering) and I think I hurt his feelings when after he said we weren't in a relationship, I half jokingly called us f*ck buddies. He said- F*ck buddies huh? I didn't know that's what we were calling this...

I responded that I didn't either it just came out that way.

I feel that whether he likes it or not, we're in a relationship because that's what its become.

I may eventually leave him b/c I don't want to be played.

But what I want to know is if anyone has any clue as to why he is doing this? Have any of you had a similar experience from either side of it?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I was having technical difficulties that resulted in posting my update a little early.

The girl played him that I am sure is a factor. But I am also afraid of getting hurt so I am torn between trying to see where it goes and protecting myself.

Anyone else with ideas?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I've taken Cerberus' advice for the time being, though its very frustrating because he will be absolutely wonderful one mome nnt and then distant the next. He pushes me away everytime we get close, then it starts all over again. He gets mad at me if I don't share personal information with him that I don't think he needs to know, like what I spend my money on. I had to be the one to remind him that we aren't in a relationship, remember?

He has made a few comments about my forgetting about him and becoming interested in other guys because of a school related thing and when I asked him if he was worried he said he didn't care.

He did have a bad experience several months ago in which a girl played ho

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A male reader, Cerberus Ireland +, writes (26 August 2012):

Cerberus agony auntOP it's quite simple really it's only been two weeks, he's still just testing you out as a potential partner which is very normal OP. Just because you're emotionally ready to commit and are dying to doesn't mean he is.

In my honest opinion you've jumped in feet first, straight into the sex and relationship type stuff without actually dating this guy which is basically what he's doing.

Of course he doesn't want to put a label on it OP, it's only been 14+ days, this isn't actually anything but two people at the very beginning of dating, you're barely just seeing each other.

You really need to stop panicking and reading too deeply into this, the fact he wants to be cautious at the start is not a sign of lack of interest it's just him being smart getting to know you before he does.

I wouldn't put a label on it after two weeks, I don't even consider that enough time to even say I'm dating you. We'd basically just be meeting/seeing each other. Try not to force the issue and stop letting your emotions get the better of you, you're infatuated very early and you just have to take your time and pace this. nothing is wrong so far OP, the only problem that there seems to be is you panicking and trying to rush things because you're scared he's perhaps not as interested in you as you are with him.

I have to disagree with the mishmahs too OP it's nothing to do with respect, I prefer to keep who I'm dating and or who I'm seeing private, because I don't like gossip, I like to have control over who does and does not know because I don't like being quizzed about these things, I also have friends that will openly and in fun, embarrass us if we're seen together and most of all I like to know where I stand with a girl before I make it public knowledge because I want to get to know just her first on her own without the complication of having my or her friends around. Quite simply OP I don't like feeling on the spot, it's not weird and it's not disrespectful to like my privacy when it comes to my lovelife. I don't feel the need to parade you around like a trophy and brag about shagging you and plus I prefer to give the girl a chance to know me and I, her before we start hearing stories about each others pasts and stuff that may put us off.

I't a bit weird that mishmash would dump that guy because if he was afraid of being seen with her in public ,then why did he bring her to a public restaurant? Friends approaching on a date is very awkward sometimes when you have to introduce that person if you say she's just a friend she can get pissed and have it ruin the evening, or if you say you're on a date she can get all embarrassed too (I've had that happen a few times before), and as I said my friends love to slag and to embarrass me and would do things like ask her if she's my new squeeze and tell her I'm great, and give me winks and say you dirty dog etc.

OP all I see here is a girl trying too hard to force progression here and wanting things to move too fast because she's already crazy about him. A guy who is being cautious, conducting this in private because he doesn't want an audience and just taking the time to get to know you.

After two weeks here OP I don't see anything wrong with what's happening only your pacing of it and the panic. You have no reason think you're being played, he's already said he wants to take his time and not put a label on this so if you want this to work, calm down, relax and go with the flow.

If you're worried about being used for sex, then cut back the sex by having dates and stuff and getting to know each other in non-intimate surroundings.

Stop trying to put a label on a two week thing because I think you'll find practically no one does that OP, so reign back your feelings a bit and take your time. You may be infatuated but two weeks isn't even nearly enough time to know whether you'd be good together.

Stop panicking and enjoy yourself.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2012):

Why is he acting one way in private and acting another way in public? Perhaps he hasn't made up his mind about you and doesn't like the idea of committing..perhaps he's got an ex he hasn't technically split up with. It's really his problem, but it seems as if you feel it's yours.

I hear you keep saying you made mistakes. I don't think you're making mistakes to venture a guess of the status of your relationship when someone treats you like this. I think it's only natural.

He sounds a little self absorbed and a bit of narcissist...he wants to play prince charming to you, but he doesn't want anyone else to see him play prince charming? He won't state the nature of the relationship or his feelings for you, but he'll criticize you for guessing? He won't kiss you in public, but he'll be upset if you won't kiss him alone in the car? Doesn't sound fair to me.

Personally, I think you'd be ahead to dump him. Yes 2 weeks is a short period of time...but I think you can get a sense of a person's personality and integrity in that short a time.

I had a few dates with a man who was very touch and go in the same way. Our last date was when he acted distracted, embarrassed, and sheepish when friends of his entered the restaurant where we were eating together. I never went out with him again. It's just a basic issue respect: Do you want to spend time with someone who is not comfortable being seen with you in public?

It's that easy.

Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2012):

Actions speak louder than words, unfortunately he is playing you, all he is doing is leaving you guessing and in the meantime while you try to figure it out, he is getting what he needs. You sound like having the status of having a relationship and also him feeling proud of the fact that other people know that you and him are an item are important to you and he is not doing that, therefore he is not fulfilling all your needs. I would leave him and find someone else that can fill that void. No one knows but him why he is doing this all you need to know is how it makes you feel and if you don’t like it then you know what you have to do.

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A female reader, dearkelja United States +, writes (26 August 2012):

dearkelja agony auntYou've been in a relationship for 2 weeks and you are already trying to label it. One of two things are going on.

1) He doesn't want to commit to this relationship because he might still be hurting and deep down caring for someone else that his heart hasn't quite let go of. So, he has this "unlabeled" or secret (but not clandestine) relationship to fulfill his needs of companionship and sex but he doesn't want YOU to fall for him because HE knows he's not READY or REALLY AVAILABLE for a relationship. He feels like he's warned you off falling for him so if you do, he won't feel guilty since he told you not to.

2) Two weeks is a short amount of time and perhaps he just doesn't feel comfortable with a "relationship" just yet. Maybe give it time?

In either case, you might want to hold off on sex for this relationship and focus on the friendship. This way, there will be no guilt feelings or "fuck buddy" labels (which by the way should be very insulting for anyone). He says his priority is on the friendship, then let him put his money where his mouth is. The other thing you should do is not be exclusive with him. Over time, he might not ever change from not wanting to be in a relationship and you will have taken yourself out of the dating pool and perhaps missed opportunities to find someone more suitable-if what you want is a "real" relationship.

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