A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have the feeling, I'm fighting for my boyfriends love all the time, but he can just sit there and be lucky, he is loved... Is this normal that a women has to do this?It was me doing the first step, asking him if he wants to be my boyfriend more than 2 years ago. I feel he is the one, he his my Mr.Right. But he seems to have doubts all the time. When we started our friendship, we only knew each other for about 7 months. He was interested in me, but was interessted in another girl aswell. But once he was with me, he told me about the other one and broke up contact with her. I really trust him on this, but it gets me the feeling, thet I'm not THE ONE for him... And another thing is, that he told me things, he doesn't love on me. Things I can not just chance, because it is part of my character... I now feel very much under pressure that I have to change, so he will still love me.My friends all say it should be the man, which should court the women he desires and he should pay attentions to a lady. It should not be the women doing this. So am i doing wrong? What can I do? How can I make him court me? How can I be myself, but be loved by him? I don't want to lose him!
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female
reader, NJmomabear  +, writes (8 May 2007):
 Ok baby, you really can't make anyone love you or change. They either do or they don't. I mean you can be what he wants you to be, but even that might not be enough. Then what? It will go back to the same situation.
If you walk away and show him your stronger then he thought, that might attract him back for a time. But if he doesn't love YOU, it won't last. The more you hang around to let yourself be rejected, the worse you will feel and the less he will want you because of how you feel even though your just to feel that way. Self-respect and confidence is a big turn on. Get it?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2007): Thanks for you advices! He allready talked to me, because he already knows that I don't always feel loved by him. And I told him, I'd like he would pursue me more. I knew from the begining, that he is the one for me. But I could not wait for him, so I made the first step after 4 month of waiting (we then knew eachother for 7 month). But now i regret. I don't regret beeing together with him, but that I didn't wait for him. I'm actually sure, I want to marry him, but he's not. So now I'm waiting for him again, fighting for his love, but shouldn't it be contrary? Should he not wait for me? So how can i make him to want me? He is just sure about my love for him. How can I make him chase me when things got to that stage? I'm just crying all the time, because I think that I made it all wrong and don't know how to go back and let him do what I wish a man would do for me...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2007): Hi there, I put this idea to you,Think of your whole relationship from his point of view for a moment.You met this girl in your early 20's and she asked you out. She treated you amazing and you really like her personality and fancy her. You start dating and everything is going great, you fall in love and want to spend the rest of your life together soon after.Fastforward 2 years. You know all of her jokes, you've seen all of the same movies, you've spent so much time together that you pretty much know all of the scenarios from each others work stories that could possibly take place, there is even the possibility that you could do the others job. You have all of the same friends and heard the same conversation. Nothing is really changing as you have reached a comfort zone and feel stuck in a rut. You look at friends and see new interesting relationships they are getting into and new stories they hear.I may be the only person on this site to tell you this but the problem here could possibly be you. It's not a bad thing because everybody ends up this way, some find it natural to fix, some turn and walk away and others like yourself are admirable because you are at least thinking about and working for what you want.Your boyfriend is probably trying to change you because you are not naturally growing as a person because you are so fixated on him,doing what he wants and as a result are not bringing anything new to his life.My advice would be to not change the way you treat him but rather change the way you treat yourself. Find new interests for yoursef as an individual and not a couple. Think of new adventures you could have with friends but could not really involve him. You have to evolve(change) as a person to make things work, to keep things new. In time your relationship may or may not work but you will be giving it more of a fighting chance. At the same time you will become a stronger person.I hope my advice makes sense and I really hope you find the happiness that you want with him.Be patient and try not to stress because that isn't helping anyone.X
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2007): I am sure he would loathe having his faults and flaws pointed out so what he is doing is very insensitive.
Why tell someone, you don't admire this, this, and that in them and you don't think they are long term worthy or marriage worthy, yet still date or sleep with them?
How does that make sense?
So it sounds like he is telling you, you are good for sex and nothing else and GET THE HECK away from this unloving, manipulative, abusive man. His attacks are about control...he wants to erode away your self worth,self esteem.
Why would you even want to stay with a loser like that?
Don't sit there and list of all his good qualities but respect, consideration, and compassion should be TOP DESIRABLE QUALITIES in a life partner and he doesn't have these babe.
Time to move on before this relationship worsens.
Be strong, get smart, get wise. Love yourself.
*hugs*
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2007): Here goes. I think the best thing for you to do is this...
Straight up tell him that you have exhausted yourself by constantly making yourself available to him and putting in a large effort to make this relationship work. Remind him that you absolutely love him and you absolutely want to be with him but your personal approach may have to change. Don't make it dramatic or he may get defensive.
Then let go of all of your anxieties and play out this relationship in the manner you want to. Don't reach out to him any further than you feel you have to. Don't tell him you love him solely so he'll say it back. The ball is now in his court and like most men he probalby isn't going to change a thing. More importantly, you can now view this relationship with a clear mind and you will probalby see that he will/does/has been step (stepping) up to the plate even when you feel you're not coercing him to do so. That's the relief I believe you are looking for.
Don't worry about the "courting" theory. I imagine your friends are southern belles. Which is awesome but you must consider outside views.
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A
male
reader, forgonepath +, writes (7 May 2007):
Hey..this might be a little harsh but trust me I have nothing but your best interest at heart. You mention that you don't want to lose him, but think about it, do you REALLY have him? You didn't make a mistake by asking him out, who asked whom wouldn't even matter if you both had the same feelings for each other now. But since he doesn't feel the same way about you, he still would've had doubts about the relationship even if he had asked you out. So don't blame yourself about that. You have the right to be frustrated about him not loving you, but I can tell you this from personal experience, if you're not good enough for him now, you won't be good enough for him even if you do change. Finding faults in our partners is simply a defense mechanism we use to slowly end our relationship with them without feeling guilty. And that is what he is doing. If you change, he'll find something else wrong with you. You need to stop suffering and let him go. Breaking up with him might make him realize that he needs to be with you and take care of you, if not, then just know that there are plenty other guys out there for you. You don't need to put yourself through this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2007): Thanks for you advices! He allready talked to me, because he already knows that I don't always feel loved by him. And I told him, I'd like he would pursue me more. I knew from the begining, that he is the one for me. But I could not wait for him, so I made the first step after 4 month of waiting (we then knew eachother for 7 month). But now i regret. I don't regret beeing together with him, but that I didn't wait for him. I'm actually sure, I want to marry him, but he's not. So now I'm waiting for him again, fighting for his love, but shouldn't it be contrary? Should he not wait for me? So how can i make him to want me? He is just sure about my love for him. How can I make him chase me when things got to that stage? I'm just crying all the time, because I think that I made it all wrong and don't know how to go back and let him do what I wish a man would do for me...
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A
female
reader, NJmomabear +, writes (7 May 2007):
Ok, why would you be worrying about loosing someone that finds it challenging to be with you? It is unacceptable to work for someones love, ESPECIALLY if your female.
The ratio is this: A guy will not treat a woman well unless he feels she is out of his league and even then doesn't guarentee his gratitude but is more likely to last longer and be better then most. So with that being said, you know where to look for your Mr. Right cos he ain't it! And the more you tell yourself he is the worse things will get.
What I'm trying to say if that is the case, you lost the raffle before you paid for your lottery ticket.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (7 May 2007):
 Successful relationships need to be worked at from BOTH sides! This guy is taking you for granted and is being very insensitive to your feelings. Make him want you more. To do that you have to NOT call him as often, let him chase you! When you're in his company smile and be happy, when you see he's really enjoying your company then make an excuse that you have to leave, be home early to go such and such a place the next day (even if you have to make it up.) That way he can reflect on what a good time he had with you and he'll want to do it again.
Don't sleep with him just when HE feels like it, play hard to get! Always look a knockout and smell good too! Be friendly with others too (in his company) females AND males. Let him see that other guys look at you and if he wants to keep you he'll need to try harder. Don't always just play into his hands. Men like the challenge with women so make yourself more of a challenge to him and always a love sick puppy. This WILL work if he has feelings and really wants to stay with you.
Let me know how it goes.
Eve
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A
female
reader, agony_emz +, writes (6 May 2007):
 first thing to say is you should never change youself for a bloke a bloke should fall in love with you for who you are instead of who your not!! ive learnt that!! and he should be the one making an effort!! a relationship is a two way thing and from the sounds of it, your the only one doing the work and this is why you feel this way!! i think you should talk to him and tell him how you feel, that you feel its you that is doing all the work to make your relationship work and how you feel that you constantly feel as if you have to change yourself for you to get some attention! and i just hope for your sakes that he understands and if not then he isnt the one for u hunny!! i know its not what you want to hear but your still young and there will be someone better for you out there who will love every single inch of you if it comes to that!! good luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2007): It sounds to me like you are making all the effort in the relationship. I think you should talk to him, and tell him that he has to make effort aswell, as it takes two to make a relationship work.
About the feeling pressured part? Don't ever let someone change you. Be yourself. If you change into someone you don't want to be, you might not be happy.
Hope I helped a bit. =]
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