A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How important is sex in a relationship. My boyfriend of 3 years says he loves me but that he thinks we are not compatible sexually and that sex is really important to him. I like that he may end the relationship because of it.Im not sure what I can do- he says that when we are having sex I look uninterested and kills the mood for him. He has also always had a thing for bdsm and I have never really understood and anything that I have had a go at well I dnt think I do it right and again the mood is killed for him and to be honest when doing these unusual (for me) things I am genuinely uncomfortable and I guess he picks up on it. Help! Im not sure what to do. Clueless in fact I don’t want my relationship to end because of this but I also don’t want him to feel like hes missing out. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, LustyLisa  +, writes (2 October 2010):
Yes, sexual compatibilty is extremely important in a relationship. Those into BDSM are distinctly differant from those of us who are more mainstream and vanilla in our preferances. There is very little room for compromise as BDSM relationships must have a dominant partner with an equally submissive partner. The dominant partner is naturally controlling and needs to be in control of the entire scene which includes the partner. A true submissive needs to be controlled. It's obvious from your post that he wants you to be the more submissive partner at which it's clearly evident you are not comfortable with. He may infact love you as you love him and want this relationship to work out. But, clearly this is a situation where love just isn't enough and love will erode over time. Eventually it will come down to both of you not getting what you want/need from your relationship. For him to be happy, you need to submit and enjoy what he's doing. For you to be happy you need him to behave differantly than he's been doing in the past for you to enjoy a sexual relationship with him. After 3 yrs, he hasn't been able to interest you in his way of having sex and blames you for his lack of satisfaction in your sexual encounters ( which it sounds like you are buying into being the one at fault), why do you want to hang onto a relationship with this guy? I'm not implying that he's the bad guy. Many couples live the BDSM lifestyle and are extremely happy because they are COMPATIBLE and CONSENT to the acts that take place in their bedrooms/dungeons. He's tried to tell you what he needs and you've tried to give him what he needs and are not comfortable. It's only going to get worse unless one of you has a serious change of heart about your preferances and I highly doubt that your guy will have a change of heart when he's been open and clear about his preferances.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2010): Your boyfriend isn't breaking up with you over sex...come on now..it's been three years. More likely than not, he just didn't fall "deeply" in love with you enough, has lost interest and wants to date others. Instead of being a man about it, he chooses to make up some bullcrap of a reason by blaming it on you and your incomp. with not meeting his sexual needs.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 September 2010):
 I think you have to realize that when sex is important to him, it is important. And no matter what you do, it wont become less important for him. He has spent 3 years of trying to work on compromises, and so have you. I think you have tried what there is to try, and if you just aren't sexually compatible after 3 years then I don't think anything can "fix" that. You said yourself, the things he like you are genuinely uncomfortable with. You shouldn't force yourself to do those things for him, and he shouldn't have to be unhappy with his sex life either. @
At this point I think the only option besides breaking up is that you allow him to have a second girlfriend/sex buddy that he can do all his kinky stuff with. But don't be too sad about the reason for the break-up. Theres nothing wrong with you! And there is nothing wrong with him. He just needs something else, and so do you! You need someone who is completely satisfied with what you offer in the bedroom, and there are several men out there who are not into bdsm, but who prefer the old and classic.
Sex isn't everything in a relationship. But sex is important. Without a healthy good sex life you are reduced to flat-mates or good friends.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2010): we all have our unique, sometimes uncommon, things we want in bed. Your BF is one and youre obviously not comfortable with what he likes (If I were you, I wouldnt either). I would def try to compromise somehow with what he likes, otherwise, yes sex is important in a healthy relationship and if its not clicking it could cause problems over time. good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2010): Hello, Sex is very important to a relationship. It is not you, you are not the problem. Your boyfriend is a jerk and is most likely interested in someone else and other things. I say this because of the comments he makes to you. If he has always had a thing for BDSM then let him do it, but not with you if that's not your thing. He obviously wants you to do this or try it if he says he likes it. You obviously feel uncomfortable and trust me it will only get worse. He will do it behind your back or eventually get you to do something you will regret doing later. Hope this helps!
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