A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Ok, guys i been with my mate for a few years now. like more than 4. Lately he will do anything to get another female attention, or like he need some type of validation from another female. He recently admitted to me that he have low self esteem and is insecure about himself and how he look. I assured him that he is a handsome man I think he is gorgeous. I always compliment him on his style. So he say it make him feel good to be accepted by these other women and thats the only reason why he do it. I feel confused, and unappreciated like what i say isnt god enough. I sometime wonder is this true or is he playing a game with my mind. IDK! so how do i help him get over these self esteem issues. because its taking a toll on me and our relationship.
View related questions:
flirt, insecure, self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2009): Well, you may not have liked my advice, but I am speaking in how to change his "behavior" which is what is bothering her. And how she needs to be careful not to internalize feeling insecure because of it because that will lead to "relationship" problems.
It does not matter why he is doing it self esteem issues (which I doubt, I have hardly ever seen a flirt that didn't have confidence to begin with therefore they had the nerve to flirt) our of a fat ego as far as her being able to do something about it.
The suggestions I made were to find a solution to the problem as talking about it doesn't seem to be working, now does it?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2009): Good advice from Charlpop and Starlights. It is a complex issue and just saying it is wrong is too simple. A lot of men and women do the same thing. It helps ones confidence when it is lacking. Of course, it is best to work on ones self-esteem, but that takes time and easier said than done.
He has to understand that it is bothering you and the 2 of you need to discuss it and compromise. Hold the flirting to a minimum and just with female friends and not strangers. Do it with those who know that it is not a sexual invitation.
I doubt he is doing it because he doesn't like you or desires anyone else. He just needs confirmation from others because he knows that you would lie if you had to to make him happy. Hey, how many guys tell their girlfriend that she has a great shape when he thinks that she has a big butt or small boobs. They don't believe it and seek confirmation of their attractiveness from others. There is always the danger that they will want more, like a sexual affair, but I think that is not the normal thing that they are desiring. What they really want is to know that someone would have sex with them, but would not want to do it.
My wife and I have both gone through periods of low self-esteem after we split with out first spouses. We both did what he is doing and understand it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2009): One thing you want to be careful of is allowing his behavior effect your self esteem because that leads to resentment for you and a relationship is impossible with a resentful partner.
You would do best to remind yourself that your self worth is not determined by your boyfriend for loving you, it is coming from your very core, and your deepest values. Live your values, remember you are a beautiful woman and just deal with his behavior how ever you see fit.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2009): Sometimes when a guy acts out with disrespect (LET"S FACE IT)it is best to just withdraw attention instead of telling him something positive about himself. I would just leave and go home if he continues to do that in front of you.
You could also start flirting yourself right in front of him so he can see how it feels.
Or you could choose not to get upset about his flirting with other women at all, he may feel he has a lot of love to give the world and he is simply being friendly. Maybe it is a personality thing not a self esteem thing and he is using that as an excuse so instead of being mad at him you will feel sorry for him instead. Which is a manipulation tactic to continue what he is doing.
...............................
A
male
reader, jakthelad  +, writes (30 July 2009):
I find this a very poor excuse as you being his girlfriend must feel your not enough for him,an ex was like this and no matter how many times i said she was sexy beautiful she was not convinced. eventualy i felt so low and loss all confidence in myself.
...............................
A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (30 July 2009):
 Dont feel down because your mate doesnt believe you when you tell him he's gorgeous.
maybe your mate feels your his friend and supposed to say that!
Your friend has confidence issues and low self esteem, only he can build himself up, not you.
Just be there for him as you have been doing and reassure him.
Tell him to check out this website about confidence issues to enable him to help himself.
http://www.self-confidence.co.uk/self/esteem/tips.html
Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, Charlpop +, writes (30 July 2009):
 This might not be what you want to hear, but hearing 'You're gorgeous' from someone you're in a relationship with, and hearing it from a randomer aren't the same thing. It's like hearing you're Mum tell you you're gorgeous. It just isn't quite the same.It's nothing to do with you, and how what you say isn't good enough, but he just needs confirmation from other women. He perhaps thinks that you feel obliged to compliment him, because you're in a relationship with him, but you might want to let him know that this isn't the case.In the meantime, he also needs to know how his flirting with other women is making you feel like he's thinking of straying, and that he's making you feel like you're not good enough anymore.He says that he's doing it for his own self-esteem, but he's not thinking about yours while he's off digging for compliments from other women.A little digging is okay [as long as you're allowed to as well!] but it sounds like he's going over the line, and you need to talk to him about it.I hope this helps.
...............................
A
female
reader, Sini  +, writes (30 July 2009):
Hi, I think that he is using this as an excuse to flirt with other girls!!!
You need to have a stright talk with him & tell him how you feel when he does this? Im sure he would not appricate it if you went off flirting with guys...??
If he still feels the same after you talk well then its your decesion if you wanna put up with this in your relationship??
...............................
|
