A
female
age
36-40,
*izzz
writes:Dear Cupid,My boyfriend and I have been together for six years. We were high school sweethearts, and I was his first. We've also been living together almost the entire time, and now go to college together. To me, our relationship has been a life-affirming journey. We've been through a lot together: a close family death, family problems, emotional and financial issues, and a natural disaster where I lost my childhood home. We've always been there for each other, we're best friends. He's the funniest guy I've ever met, and just in case you were wondering, things are good in the bedroom. Now, everyone has their flaws, but I think mine have always irked him. He's been particularly upset with me lately because I've lost motivation in school and have been doing pretty badly. He feels it's because I'm lazy as a result of my upbringing and that I can change if I force myself. He might be right, but I can't change from not caring to being passionate again overnight. I'm willing to work on it and even though he might not believe that I'll try harder, I didn't think it would ruin our relationship... A few days ago he told me he was so fed up with my apathy that he wanted me to live with my mom for the semester so I could get motivated and back on track in school. But the next day he revealed that he had been talking to a girl for a couple of days that he just met and wanted to date her but didn't know if he was sure about it. He later said that he'd been thinking for a few months about dating other people, something that we had talked about together before as an aside, but had been clear it wasn't what we wanted. It was a shock, it just felt like we were monogamous not my choice but by default. The next day, feeling in limbo, I goaded him for a solid answer, and he told me he did want to break up. He left for an hour, talked to this girl on the phone, came back, and told me he had made a mistake and he was sure he wanted to be with me. We're young (24), I'm his first, and he may want to see what else is out there. Maybe he's searching for something that he feels is missing with us. Maybe he just doesn't know what he wants. Maybe he's tired of my depression. But when I ask him what it is, he can't explain. He says has always been happy with me and doesn't know why he's doing this.Where do I go from here? I feel like the ball is in my court now, and although I know he still loves me and is sincere about wanting to be with me, this has changed us forever. Honestly, I never could say that I knew for sure that we would always be together, such a claim seems like folly. But I never before felt that it was an impending doom.
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female
reader, lizzz +, writes (23 January 2009):
lizzz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for your answer, it gave me a lot to think about and put things in perspective.
As far as an update goes, we are still in limbo (at least that's how I feel). He sincerely tells me that this was just a mistake brought on by the changes happening in his life and that he realizes how happy he has always been with me and feels silly for almost throwing it all away. Oh, how badly I want to believe it to be true, but I still feel like there is a deeper issue here, that perhaps we had lost the romance and intimacy in our relationship or had grown apart. In any case, this is a turning point for sure, and it's my hope that we can work through it to save our relationship. We have talked about our feelings and concerns, but one thing still weighs on my mind. This has really undermined my confidence and I wonder if time apart is really what could be good for us. I've suggested this to him, but he seems adamantly against it. I'm wondering what kind of tangled mess we're in.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2009): Hello there. This must make you very sad.
It sounds to me as though you do need some time apart and perhaps you should be the one to take some power back in the situation. I think you could consider telling him that this has undermined your confidence, that you are not sure about him any more and that you would like some time to consider.
I know you don’t want that to be the case, but it is now and there is nothing you can do to wish it away. This is one of those times in life when pain has to be gripped and lived through.
During this time either of you can date other people if you want to, this is not a one way street and although you won’t see it now, he runs the risk of losing you too, to someone better for you than he is. If he sees you out with another he will be spitting jealous even if he is dating another girl.
In fact, when you get free just watch all the young men start to come forward who have always admired you. It could be really great to see and do you the power of good.
I know you are very close to him, but it sounds as though he has reached that point when instead of it just “being” he wants to make an active choice about the way his life will go. Often people start to criticise the person they are with when they are really anxious about something else. The attention to study issue sounds like such an excuse.
Let him have the choice because you can’t stop him taking it. In fact he needs to prove whether or not he is committed to you and if you try to stop him making up his own mind you will never be able to believe him again.
Tell him that you love him but make it clear that you cannot guarantee you will still be there for him when the time comes, if it does, that he chooses he would rather be with you.
I had a boyfriend who did the same, he wanted to carve a few more notches in the bedside and have a few more admirers. He still regrets it now as I was his first love decades ago. (He however was not my first love! I got that one back 30 years later and we are still together).
First relationships are hugely important so don’t give up the possibility in your mind that one day you might be together. But in the meantime be firm about looking after yourself and do a lot of the things you love doing for yourself. This is really super-important.
As well as that Google a book called “Love Must Be Tough”. It is a proper self help book which was recommended by my minister but is not religious. It will help you every step of the way and keep you strong. Please do let us know what happens.
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