A
female
age
36-40,
*1sha
writes:Hi,I have been together with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We love each other and have talked regularly about marriage. However he remains in contact with his ex-girlfriend (who lives in another country). He was with her for 6 years and they only split up because his mother rejected her as a daughter-in-law, i.e. not because of interpersonal factors between them. The other day he asked me to reply to a text that his mother had sent him and in doing so I spotted a text conversation with his ex in which he had mentioned that one of their mutual friends had bought a lovely bungalow and that he 'missed the times that they spent with this friend as they were good days'. I felt very hurt and upset by this and he explained to me that his ex was feeling down lately and had even seen a psychiatrist and that he was just trying to cheer her up. I still felt upset and in the process of explaining he told me that he was in love with me and wanted to spend his future with me and that his ex meant absolutely nothing to him and he hadn’t seen or spoken to her in 2 years. He told me that he would stop contacting her since it made me so upset (this insecurity has been a recurrent problem throughout our relationship).This was the first time he has actually told me he loves me without it being in response to me saying it first. All I could think to say at the time was that he should understand how he would feel if it was me texting my ex to say that I missed the good times that we’d spent together. I forgot to reply that I love him too or tell him that what he had said about spending a future together was a lovely thing. I felt a bit odd for a while after this alteration.So now I realise that I felt odd and I now feel sad that I didn’t respond appropriately to his comments. The next morning I told him that I don’t want him to stop being friends with his ex because she sounds like she needs good friends and I wouldn't want him to change his friends for me. I told him that each time she texts he just needs to tell me that he loves me and I’ll be ok. I told him I loved him before I left the following morning too.Where should I go from here? Should I tell him that his comments about our future were wonderful and acknowledge that this was the first time he said I love you without being prompted? Or should I just leave it now and move on?I’m very confused and would appreciate any advice that you can offer. Many thanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2010): Are you worried at all his parents are judgmental of you? Id be pretty damn scared...like gaylord M focker style scared, if not worse.
Giving him feedback about what he said will help give him reassurance what he said was right and that you appreciate it and love what you heard. Communicate your feelings. Tell him. It is important for your relationship to move forward. Best to you :)
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 September 2010):
 Ok so his parents didnt approve and thats why they broke up so yeah i guess they still have a connection, but with him reminding her off the good old times its not something to say to cheer someone up thats just going to make her think of what could have been, it sounds like he still holds a thing for his ex.
In saying this, if he loved her that much he wouldnt have listened to his parents so it is possible that he just sees her as a close friend. So if you can be the strong one and trust him and let him be her friend then good for you. It takes a strong person to do this.
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