A
female
age
51-59,
*teen
writes:Hi Friends!Thanks in advance to any advice you can give me.My best friend/lover have been together for like 20 years. We recently have had some problems with the sexual aspect of our relationship because I was under the impression he was only sleeping with me when in reality he was with someone else he claimed to have broken it off with last summer. I found this out by looking at his phone and calling the number and when I found out it was this slut, I told her if she doesn't want trouble in her happy little home life she better watch who she calls. So she calls him and tells him it's me, he freaks out, wants me to admit I did it and then we can move forward. SO I eventually told him the truth after some soul searching. We have had problems basically because we have an agreement to have an open relationship where we can see other people but we have to tell each other. He has repeatedly failed to do this. So when I find out about someone else, I get pissed!!! So....we got over the last issue with the phone call and now we're friends. He says that the sex makes problems for us and he needs a friend more than anything, and I'm like, "whats the problem with fucking once in a while like we always do?" Now he just came to me and says it's also because I'm the heaviest I've ever been and I'm not doing anything about it. I am starting to cry because I am soooo hurt he just said that about my weight, and it's like, ooooh I get some cock if I lose 20 pounds? Like a dog with a treat... How humiliating. I'm not even that big, like 160 but I'm short.. Only 5'1....HELP!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2007): It does not matter how much you weigh he should still accpet you the way you are all that matters is come from the heart not the way you look.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2007): What are the extent of your disabilities....There are bank credit card customer service call centers that pay an hourly wage and on top of that commissions for selling products to their cardmembers, some people make around $50,000 a year doing this and you sit in a chair all day on the phone, (or stand) they have special computer screens if you have a disability with your eyes...
Austin is home to Dell Computer, and they have a huge customer service call center....you could always check into that.
If they don't have credit card call centers, try going north to Springfield, Missouri, (heard of Branson?) The cost of living is very low here and they have a lot of commissioned call center work, and they accommodate people with disabilities.
If you think you need family support, then that would be helpful if you moved to NC, one of my favorite places in the whole world, it is just beautiful there in my eyes, but expensive cities to live in, and housing is expensive in Austin, so do your homework and then decide what is best for you and your girls.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (6 August 2007):
 Dear Steen, from your update, it sounds like moving to Austin would be a good idea in terms of doing for a living and the well-being of your girls. I think you should give it a try. I believe it would also be good for you: it would allow you to start anew. Be bold, be strong, and success will come to your door.
I'm glad you came to us with this question, because we feel useful if we are of any help to people like you.
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A
female
reader, Steen +, writes (6 August 2007):
Steen is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again Friends for the advice....Im so glad I found this site...To respond, I agree about the open-relationship thing. We were best friends first and foremost, I have been divorsed from my girl's father for 3 yrs and my best friend (Dave well say) has helped me immensely and the girls thru that. I am blessed to have such wonderful kids, and I am aware of that everyday. I just hate for them to have another absent male in their lives. I have only been woth Dave in 3 yrs even tho our relationship is "open". I cant get a career because I am disabled from a car accident. I wanted to go to Aistin because there are so many other things I could do, that arent offered here. And I cant stay because of my ex. He has a seasonal job abd will be back in the fall to make trouble for me. Its been non-stop for three yrs. I finally got permission to leave with them since he has no visitation at all until the counselor advises its best for them, and due to his abcsence, it wont be for a while. I know, long ugly story. In any case, I need to start a new life for them. I just dont know if Im strong enough to go it alone in Austin. My family wants me to move to NC, and I kind of want to and I kind of dont. Ive been doing a lot of soul searching. I really appreciate the advice....You guys are angels...Thank you!!!!!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2007): Open relationships do not work, someone always feels jealous and you are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think you have settled for a relationship based on sex and saving money, i.e. convenience for the most part, you get up and do the same thing over and over again each fay....and unsatisfactory life gains momentum, and before you know it 20 years have passed.
Austin is a great town, I wouldn't be scared to move there on your own, it might be an opportunity to start your life over, and I would leave the loser boyfreind with a girlfriend on the side at home.
You need to get some values in your life, think, would you want an open relationship and fuck buddy situation for your two girls when they are women....let's see you tell them, go out and get as much sex as you can, it is the fastest and bestes way to oontrol a man and make him share expenses with you just to get more of the same from you...
How about getting a career going for yourself, and being grateful that you have two healthy girls who learn from their mother first and foremost about what to accept in male female relationships, are you sending the right messages their way? When you become a quality woman, you will attract a quality guy into your life that would not dream of hurting you on purpose the way this man does...open relationship be damned, he knows you are hurting and that you will keep taking him back for more of the same.
Your weight is not the issue, it is an excuse....although you may want to consider losing about 40 pounds for you, and for your health, at your height and weight you are at risk for type two diabetes, and cardiovascular disease....so that should give you enough motivation in and of itself to lose the weight, not for some stupid guy.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (6 August 2007):
The real problem, deep down, is that he doesn't want a relationship with you now. The fact that he isn't moving, the lack of sex, whatever, those are secondary issues; the primary one is, the relationship is over.
I understand your situation about moving and your girls. I think you should consider whether moving would be a good idea now. As you say, you'll be alone there, and now you need support since he won't be there.
I'm sorry to hear this is happening to you.
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A
female
reader, Steen +, writes (6 August 2007):
Steen is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys. I appreciate your time. Now we have a bigger issue than the sex. We have made plans to move to Austin TX together and just got a nice townhouse. Application fees aline total $485. Yesterday after I wrote we got into an argument about something stupid and I told him I thought he was using me (bad one, but maybe he is) and he says he isnt moving anymore. This is insane since I just need him there for friendship and I told him that. I also agreed that the sex has ruined our frindship of the past 20+ years. Now he says he is better off alone ( BTW I have 2 girls who look up to this man and need him in their lives) and I should move on and find someone better. I dont understand why he is creating this drama, but Im supposed to move in 2 weeks!!! Now hes not going, not even to be room mates!!! My family thinks I should just move to NC wgere they are, but the schools are no where near as good as Austin. And Im afraid to go there (Austin) all by myself with no friends or contacts and if I need something or whatever I have no one!!!! I am freaking out!!! I dont think he is my friend anymore after pulling this stunt and I think he is too afraid to move away from this one girl he is seeing and dosent want to tell me. My heart is broken, Im worried about the girls, I am trying to keep it together for them but I feel like my whole world has fallen apart.
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A
female
reader, accused +, writes (5 August 2007):
 Hey I have to agree with "Danielepew"... Its almost like double standards, after reading your problem 2-3 times I have to say I am confused. So I took a different approach to giving you advice for your proble... I've listed all the key points you stated in your problem..
1) been together for like 20 years
2)I was under the impression he was only sleeping with me when in reality he was with someone else
3)by looking at his phone and calling the number.
4)We have had problems basically because we have an agreement to have an open relationship where we can see other people but we have to tell each other.
5)He has repeatedly failed to do this. So when I find out about someone else, I get pissed!!!
6)"whats the problem with fucking once in a while like we always do?"
********
Now let me try and help you see something here:
1.) been together for like 20 years---- Been togther how? In a serious one on one relationship? or fuck buddies?
2.)I was under the impression he was only sleeping with me when in reality he was with someone else--- IMPRESSION and REALITY are two totally differnt things.... Maybe you knew what the situation was but chose not to accept the reality... because the impression was what you wanted and, easier to deal with.
3.) by looking at his phone and calling the number---- YOU WERE WRONG for this one...You had no right to go thru his phone or to call any number that was in it...You not only made yourself looked crazy, but you VIOLATED ON TRUST! thats his phone, not yours...
4.) We have had problems basically because we have an agreement to have an open relationship where we can see other people but we have to tell each other--- If you and this man have a open relationship then he doesn't have to tell you anything..nor do you him... Thats why they call it OPEN RELATIOSHIP... Let me clear this title up for you "FUCK BUDDIES".... But somewhere between impression & reality you my FRIEND CAUGHT FEELINGS!
5.)He has repeatedly failed to do this. So when I find out about someone else, I get pissed---- READ THIS ONE 2 OR 3 TIMES BECAUSE IT SPEAKS FOR ITSELF....
6.) whats the problem with fucking once in a while like we always do?--- WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? After reading 1 thru 5, this one should be easy....
Let me just say this... I speak from experience I've been where you are.. Well maybe not exzactly where you are, but I've done the whole buddy system with someone that was a friend and YES I caught feelings and YES I got my FEELINGS hurt.... You just need to move on, and find someone that does love and care for you no matter what your size...
Best of Luck.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (5 August 2007):
I won't be judgmental, but there is something I cannot understand and I will bring it up for you to consider: If you're in an open relationship, why would it be important to know who else he or you are sleeping with? Why would it be important if he says or doesn't say a word about it?
I don't think your weight should be a problem. I'm afraid the real problem is he doesn't want sex with you anymore. Maybe he was not telling you about his other lovers because he wanted to avoid problems with you about not having sex.
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