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He lied! should I forgive and trust him?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 May 2009) 3 Answers - (Newest, 13 May 2009)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Last night, my boyfriend went out to play cards with his friend at the Legion. Before he left, he said depending on what was going on, maybe he would give me a call to come down once cards was over. He called me about 2 hours later to ask me to do something at his house, and I said "I'm assuming I'm not coming out?" He kind of abruptly said no, and said he wasn't staying out late, would probably be home by 11 (he is notorious for saying this and rolling in significantly later, but I know this about him.)

Well, he rolls in at 1 am, says he's a little drunk and proceeds to tell me that he and his friend left the Legion and went to a trendy bar downtown (a bar that I had just said I'd like to go to the other night because I've never been there.) A little bit of background...I have a lot of trust issues from past relationships, which I have been working on in therapy, particularly because my b/f has several female friends who he texts with regularly and most of them, I have never met. I asked him who all was there and he said just he and his friend. He got a little defensive and asked who else would be there, and I said I didn't know if Jamie (a girl he works with) or someone may have gone out. He said no, it was just him and his friend.

I know this was wrong, but I looked at his phone and there were texts between him and this Jamie girl making plans for her to meet them downtown. I came back to bed and told him that one of my friends had been walking down the street and saw him there with his friend and another girl (it's an outdoor bar.) He got very defensive, said he was trying to fix Jamie up with his friend, said he's a good guy, would never cheat on me, blah, blah, blah. But the point is, he flat out lied to me when I asked him who was there.

This morning, he said he's sorry that he lied, but he didn't want to deal with it last night and he's afraid to tell me things because of my trust issues and me getting upset. The biggest things that bother me other than the lie are a. He had mentioned potentially inviting me out when it was just the Legion and didn't bother to call me when the plans changed, even after having told me that he wanted me and Jamie to meet because we'd get along b. they went to a bar that I had just said I'd really like to go to and it was just the 3 of them and c. had I not, wrong as it was, looked at his phone, I never would have known.

I've been doing fairly well with my trust issues until this. I want to believe him that he won't do it again and understand that maybe I do make it difficult for him to be forthcoming with me, but I also don't want to be an idiot. Help!!

View related questions: drunk, text

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009):

your boyfriend's logic doesnt seem to make very much sense to me. He knows you have trust issues so he opts not to tell you the truth?!? and then he says he didnt tell you so that you wouldnt get upset so he first lies and then confesses and now you are even more upset. so whose emotions is he concerned about? he sounds really insensitive. he goes to a club that you wanted to go to, he has friends you dont know and doesnt make much effort for you to know them - doesnt sound like much of a partnership.

why dont you suggest going out with him, his friend, and jamie and see if he is open to that. if he says no, it is definitely time to move on,

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009):

the lies has to stop. you will only be an idoit if you start believing him again. i know this is harsh but it's the truth.

this man is up to fixing himself with this girl. you gave him a chance to come clean and he did not immediiately. how long more before you find out more about the true him.

i know this hurts you but if you had trust issues in the past and now he is again lying where to from here. if he doesn't respect you, at least have respect for yourself.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2009):

Dear not and idiot, this is not your trust issues. this is your boyfriend not telling you the truth. That is not a failing that is him not being honest.

I think in the same situation i would have said, you lied thats a big warning - this is me you lied to. Don't do it again, have respect for me.

I think you acted well and i don't see any issues with what you did. But i think there is more to his story, which only time will tell. - i mean if 3 people, why not make it a 4 with you?

anyway i think you did great.


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