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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Right, i posted a lil thing last week about me going out with an ex teacher...i clearly stated that he was my EX teacher and that i just wanted some advice, yet some moron thought it would nice to comment sayin that my bloke should go to prison if there is any justice! i wanted advice not a fuckin grilling! if there are an people out there who would like to offer me some advice, then comment back to this post...basically the question i wanted answering was : Can he get in any kind of trouble as im only 16...i repeat he is no longer a teacher of mine or anyone else for that matter! thanks
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2006): The answer is no, he cannot get into any trouble. Though people will talk about him, and point him out (and you), probably the kind of people who answered your first request for advice, jumping to conclusions without reading what you were requesting in terms of advice.
If you were having a sexual relationship with him before you were 16 and it came to court (someone had complained to the police and they acted upon the complaint) and he was convicted then he could have gone to prison and his name would have been added to what used to be called DfES list 99 (effectively he would not teach again in a school in the UK), as well as the sex offenders register.
If you were over 16 and under 18 when the relationship began and he taught at your school, when you were a student there, he would be considered as abusing a position of trust (now an offence, ...wasn't always). The consequences would be dismissal from employment and his name placed on list 99.
If he does not fall into either of these two categories, he has nothing to worry about other than tittle tattle. Though this can be very distructive. If it's happening, my advice is move to a more cosmopolitan area of a large city, or at least the other end of town!
I could give you some advice on relationships with older men, but you are not asking for this, so I won't patronise you.
I will outline what others are likely to say:
- It won't work long term: There is no reason why it should not, and there is equally the possibility that a relationship with someone your own age will fail, there is no difference in the hurt you feel when any kind of reletionship ends, living life is about taking risks.
- You cannot have much in common: Clearly you do! It is often difference not similarity (including age) that makes a relationship work. Some people will argue that there is a power imbalance in intergenerational relationships, but the attraction to this person in the first place might have been that he was the first male to treat you with respect and give you a degree of autonomy, and didn't see you in terms of property?
- As soon as you get older, have a baby, he'll be onto another young girl: This is a sexist analyst, ignore it; he chose you, unless there is a history of young girl/women relationships why should he be different to a third of men and have a life-long relationship with one other person. You are equally capable of leaving him.
- You should be having a good time now in your teens, not spending time with a man who has been through university and been around a the block: Is he stopping you from having a good time, are you cut off from friends, is he going to help you to get to university?
From my expereince of raising two girls. Genrally 16-17 year old boys doing their A levels, are moving in on the more mature girls in years 9 and 10 (13-15 years olds); while female sixform students are dating boys/men who have left school or in higher education. Your boyfriend/partner, could be under 25, this is not unusual.
I hope this stops you worrying, and in some way helps you to move on and explore, and build your relationship. You have to get to know him beyond the scenario of concern that I think I can imagine is going on around you.
Ultimately, you have to decide if he's right for you, and you need the space to grow in or out of a relationship, without the social commentary around you, your true friends around you will know this, and still be there if it does go wrong, which it need not.
Take care and Best wishes,
R
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2006): i guess it depends what the laws are like where you are living, like in the UK the age of consent is 16 right?
but im not sure where you are from.. To tell you the truth hun, I've been with older men at your age too. I was dating a 25 year old at 15 which many looked down on..and i mean very very many looked down on. they'd call him a scumbag etc.. of course it didnt last more then a year but it was very hard to get us that far.. If you give it a few years, you know.. meet other people you're age (though saying that, at your age i was not interested in guys my age deeming them as immature, etc) but if you even find a man closer to your age, and be a kid for a while longer then maybe in a year or two. of course you may be thinking "no this is the guy for me".. just find out if his intentions are true, and make sure he really does care about you and if he is seriously willing to persue thing .. i worded that badly but i think you can get the jist of what i'm saying.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2006): li know how you feel...i asked a sex question and i was shot down being told i was too young...i was just curious thats all thats why u ask questions!!!
well depends what country you are in, if ur under 18 he can get into trouble in places but it also depends if its sexual or non sexual...
sorry i dont know too much
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