A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I see my husband looking at other women all the time. We have sex the night before and the next morning his is on the internet or looking at some hot girl on tv and masterbateing. I am so confussed and it makes me not want to be touch by him. When I bring it up he say that I am makeing a big deal out of nothing. If it is nothing than why do I feel so hurt.He tells me I am beautful all the time mostly when I talk to him about his wondering eye. I know that I am nice looking but I have had two children and will never look like the people he is looking at.How do I get through to him that this is hurting me without putting him in defence mode.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (3 December 2007):
 Tell him how it makes you feel. How you tell him is important. You have to make the conversation entirely about you and how you feel, if you make it about him then he'll get defensive...
- Don't use the word 'you' other than starting the sentence 'When you do X I feel ...'.
- Describe your feelings, not his
- Don't make any claims about his intentions. Don't use any adjectives to describe his behaviour (eg: inconsiderate, disrespectful, etc). Just describe his action simply, then describe your feelings.
- Don't ask him to change his behaviour
- Stick to saying how it makes you feel. Just that. But be very clear.
Then its up to him. If he loves you and he knows how this makes you feel then he'll do the right thing. But you can't force him to, he has to want to because he cares about your feelings. The best you can do is to make it known to him how his behaviour is effecting your feelings, then let him decide to change his behaviour.
Some examples:
"When you look at women on the internet it makes me feel unattractive and like you don't want me".
"When you masturbate over other women I feel like i'm not sexually adequate"
"You looking at other women makes me upset, jealous and angry"
He cannot say how you feel, only you know how you feel. So he can't 'deny' any of the above statements. Only you know that they are true. So just say how it makes you feel and leave it at that.
A
female
reader, Ladee  +, writes (3 December 2007):
My situation is very much the same, my husband insists that he won't visit these sites again, and I truly want to believe him. Our sex life is frequent and good but I can't help wondering if it is that way because he visited porn sites. He is caring and attentive and tells me he loves me. He has no explanation as to why he went onto those sites, and I think that's whats bothering me. I told him I had visited some sites and was looking at men trying to understand the fascination. He got well annoyed and admitted that he wasn't happy about me doing it - then the penny dropped with him and he realised he was being hypocritcal, that's when he said it would stop.I think I'm sharing this with you cos I don't want you to feel as if you are alone. Don't put yourself down, would you really want to look like those plastic people on those sites? We have to remember that at the end of the day, they are taking our men for fools and they are taking our money (sites aren't free) that's what I pointed out to my hubby. I think the only thing that we can do is be patient as time will tell. I love my husband and want our marriage to continue as I am sure you do. Best wishes
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (28 November 2007):
 He's probably always going to be on defence mode about this since he keeps telling you that it's not a big deal. It seems like you've been trying to tell him that what he does is hurting you, but he's just been blowing off what you say. He is a sex addict. You feel hurt by this, because he is cheating on you in his heart. I wouldn't want my man looking at naked women either online. I think this is going to get much worse, with the possibility of him cheating on you in real life if he keeps going deep into these fantasies. He needs counseling. Install a filter on the computer, so he can't look at porn. He'll get angry, but that's only because you'll be keeping him away from his addiction. Anyways, only he can make up his mind to quit for himself, but it is your job to convince him why he needs to quit this behavior.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2007): It might be normal human behavior or he might have a problem. Couples counselling sounds like a good thing for you two since he obviously has no respect for your feelings.
He might have an out of control sex drive.
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