A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys, I have posted on here before but sometime ago and your replies helped me a lot.I met my partner nearly 2 years ago on a dating site, we used to live over 2 hors apart then and only see each other on a weekend, He has 2 kids from a pevious marriage whom he sees often. my kids are older and are at uni, I moved in with him in september and gave up my whole life and everthing i know because i love him so much, He has a good job in the millitary and i managed to get a transfer with my job but still had to travel 2 hours a day but i agrred to do this as i wanted to be with him in the week. I would not move in earlier as he had an ex before me that he was very close to but i have managed to get him to limit their contact but thats another story.I have no friends here but keep in contact with friends back home so i dont go out. I miss my kids at times and my friends but i know i chose to move so i have to try make a new life here.Everthing revolves around his kids whom i do get on with but they rule the house hen they are here, They watch what they want on tv. He has to play with them all day long and they are 12 and 9 not babies.They throw their rubbish around the house and drop clothes where they take them off. My partner is so laid back that he says nothing, he just picks up after them.It drives me mad as im not used to livivng like this. They also stay up till the early hours cuddled up to him and i go to bed way before them. When i try talking to him about some of their behaviour he just kind of agrees but things never change.I have disgussed having a child of our own but he does not want anymore and he has had the snip anyway,I have asked what he thinks of marraige agaian but he does not want to get married again, he says its just a piece of paper. His ex wife did get a big payout in the divorce and he is still very bitter.I have a good job and still own my own house that i rent out and have been independant for 10 years, I cant help thinking he might think i would do this to him and hurt him but i love him with all my heart, I wouldnt have give everthing up if i didnt.He seems happy with his life as it is and he is a good kind man but i just feel i want something more.Am i being selfish ?
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female
reader, Gridrebel  +, writes (27 January 2010):
 "but i do not see myself as a friend with benefits really" is your reply to one of the response answers to you question. You are in denial! You're EXACTLY what a "friend with benefits" is. You are very selfish. You are thinking of you you you you. Even in your denial you won't see the forest for the trees. He really can't make it any plainer and you still won't take no for an answer. Obviously the soft approach doesn't work for you and maybe he needs a megaphone. People with your "reasoning" are very frustrating for those of us who try to be honest and open in a relationship. Thinking that if: you hang on long enough, wear him down long enough and just refuse to see it in black and white, attempting to "change" his mind, is a positive thing in your favor. How selfish and blind you really are and how forcing a commitment(whether passivly or not) is not true love. You might wear him down but is that what you really want? It's HIS house, HIS kids, HIS life and he STILL has feelings for his ex gf. He has chosen his priorities and you're not it! Bug out and leave him alone. For whichever of his many valid reasons, he doesn't want to marry you, doesn't want you as a mother for his kids, and doesn't want a family with you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010): As the original poster of this question, i thankyou for your answers especially the first anonymuos answer, you are in a familiar situation and i feel for you. I dont really know what to do! We have planned things like booked holidays for next year and have spoke about buying a house together which he seems keen on but thats as far as his commitment goes so i know he is in it for the long run.
as for lonelytwo, thanks for your comments but i do not see myself as a friend with benefits really. I just think he is scared as he has ben hurt bad in the past. I know i want to spend the rest of my life with hi so why not get married or engaged even. He has savings and assets and is always thinking about the future and what his kids will be left, which is a lot. they wont want for anything but what about the here and now ? He cares about everything in his past life it seems. Its only been 3 years since he split from his wife so not long before he met me.
Its been 10 years for me and i just want something to share with the man i love and have chosen to be with.
Im hoping that in time if i dont keep bringing the issue up, he might change his mind. Or who knows maybe i might !!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010): No, you are not being selfish at all. My story is similar to yours. I am divorced with one child at boarding school and my partner has three children, all from different mothers at 8, 13 and 21. The 21 year old does his own thing but the 8 and 13 year old stay every weekend. They are not like my child and require constant entertaining. They are also dramatic and there is always a drama concerning them or their mothers. I also moved in with him but kept my old house just in case things didn't work out. I miss my old area, my neighbours, the peace and quiet, really the list is endless. I also wanted a child with my partner as I felt that would help me accept his kids more but my partner is adamant he doesn't want anymore children.
I think that although your partner is good and kind it looks like you have done all the compromising and are receiving little in return. His time is clearly fully taken up with the children and you are getting very little attention. My partners children also snuggle up to him on the settee and I am left on my own in the corner. I think that you are lonely, missing your children and are unsure what you gave your old life up for. For me the fact he doesn't want a child is a real deal-breaker - I don't know if that is really adding to your unhappiness here?
I think you require a lot more loving and caring then you are receiving and you are beginning to feel a bit of an outsider in this. I would explain to him that you really love him but that you have given up an awful lot to be with him but you need to be made to feel more special and your rules with regard to how the children use the house, what time they should go to bed etc do count. Often the men are just so pleased to be able to spend any time with the kids that they just let them do what they want. I suggest you have a heart to heart before the resentment kicks in. I feel resentful and it is beginning to destroy things as I am now no longer co-operative, won't do anything I don't want to do and have become totally independent but within the guise of being in a relationship. Speak to your partner because he may well be unaware of the depth of your feelings and if he is a good kind man then he will mull it over and hopefully put some rules in place and spend a bit more time on a one on one basis with you. All the best
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