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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi I posted here a couple of weeks ago about my bf suddenly deciding that he wanted me but didn't want responsibility for my children and ended the relationship.15 minutes before he deliverd this news we were cuddling on the sofa in front of the tv, the next thing i knew i was going round his house packing all my things together. He dropped me off back at my house and i havent seen or spoken to him since. He just refuses to talk to me. At first he said he couldn't face me cuz he felt so bad about hurting me the way he did. I text him and asked to talk to him on the fone, he refused. I text him and he wouldn't answer me. I text him horrible stuff out of anger and then apologised for it. He says he will talk to me when the dust has settled and the emotions aren't running so high. But he still won't. I didn't know that there was anything wrong, no clue at all. So I have lots of things I need to say to him, just a lot of pent up emotion that I need to get off my chest, and to get some closure on this.He seems to want it all on his terms and what is best for him. What about me, what about how I feel? We were together for just over a year. It feels as though he has cut me out of his life like I don't exist and makes me wonder if he had any feelings for me at allAny advice...K
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2005): I am sorry about your heartache and despair over this man. The important thing you can do at this moment, is to treat yourself with extreme care and kindness and to believe in yourself once again.
How he broke up with you is disturbing..just dumping it on you like that after a nice romaantic evening together.
Please find someone, to confide and share your heartache/agony with. like a trusted friend, or your mom, or sister, or someone who will be sympathetic and will listen but will keep your pain confidential.
I also suggest you get yourself some counselling so that you can discuss what has happened to you - and your feelings - with a professional. Getting this help early should enable you to feel better quicker.
For whatever reason, the early days of this love were so beautiful that you cannot believe they can be over. But I'm afraid that this kind of thing happens sometimes, and just because we wish for something very much, sadly it doesn't necessarily follow that path. I fear that this rejection feels pretty much like bereavement to you, which is why I want you to get all the help you can. But remember this: you will get over it. You will love again -and be loved joyously in return. Stay strong and god bless
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (14 July 2005):
 Your anger is perfectly understandable, because he blindsided you with his announcement. But unfortunately, he's not going to stand still while you deliver your own explosive response. Yes, that's chickenhearted, but remember that this guy has just proven that he doesn't have the intestinal fortitude to face the reality of your relationship with him, either. Are you very surprised about the way he's run and hidden?
In response to your situation with him (I remember your initial posting), I suspect that he *does* have feelings for *you*, but he doesn't feel ready for an instant family, and it took him a year to work that out for himself. He may have been turning the idea of accepting your kids around and around in his head for months - and I certainly think he should have discussed it with you while he was thinking! - before he decided that he wasn't strong enough to carry on with it. His greatest fault and weakness was a complete lack of communication with you.
Right now, you need to do some things to purge your anger. You need a physical outlet for one, so if you're not already exercising, I'd urge you to join a gym, or take up early-morning walks, some activity where you can mutter angrily to yourself as you work out without scaring passers-by. ;-)
You also need to talk to someone about this. If you have a good friend who's been through a nasty break up, she'd be good, but why not find yourself a stress counsellor? A session or two with someone who knows how to listen and can ask the right questions can be so cleansing, you won't believe how good it feels. It needn't be a huge expense, either. A good counsellor can also point out aspects of the relationship that you may never have seen before, and that can make you feel 100% better about the way things turned out. Give it some thought.
More immediately, since this guy's not answering your calls and texts (the angry texts were a misjudgement on your part, I'm sure you'll now agree), I suggest you write it down in a letter. Type it on the computer, so that you can edit things easily, and your fingers can keep up with your thoughts. Tell him how mad you are at him, then, DON'T SEND IT.
The next day, open the file and re-read it. Re-edit it. Imagine that he's reading it. Add to the letter, if you want. Clarify your major points, tidy up the margins. Then when it's perfect, you STILL DON'T SEND IT.
On the third day, after you've read it and reread it and edited it thoroughly, ask yourself if you're still angry enough to send it, and if sending it will improve things between you. If you really think it will, go ahead, send it. You've got nothing to lose, except a bit of self-control.
But if you can't think of t least one way that sending the letter will enhance where you are now with your life, delete the file. The point of the exercise is to dump the emotion anyway... as you would already have guessed.
Try to remember that this breakup is not a reflection on you, but on your ex's inability to accept you and your children as the package that you are. Allow yourself to get angry and then you can get over it.
Good luck, dear.
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