A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, I'm posting this on behalf of my friend...She has been dating a guy for six monts and some issues have surfaced.His last ex of 8 years was very timid when they met and really looked up to him. She relied on him for nearly everything as she had never lived on her own before etc - he was older by four years and she was only 19 when they met. He said it took him a long while to fal in love with her because she was not what he was used to and was "too nice" they broke up at 6 months because he was treating her bad due to being bored of her. They then got back together, fell in love, had kids, never rowed (cause she was soooo placid and didn't say boo to a goose) and were happy.Fast forward to 6-7 years. He said she changed and became a lot more confident. He also got "very bored" of the relationship - same conversations etc and no longer felt "in love" with her but loved her. He meets my friend. She is 30 and has lived on her own for 6 years. She also has a good job, has good intellegence and is independent. He is starting to feel inadequate that she "doesn't need him enough"My friend states to him that she does need him and she does look up to him, especially when he does stuff such as diagnose car problems etc but she can't be as needy as a 19 year old. HE takes offence at this and says he doesn't want a needy 19 year old girl who can't think for herself but would like her to just be more "in need"On the plus side he likes her company and says he has never had this much fun with anyone and could never go back to being with a girl like his ex, as my friend has so much more about her. THis is very confusing for my friend as she likes him a lot and they get along well apart from this but doesn't know what to do to fix the problem...Should they part ways?
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (20 November 2011):
 This guy feeds on dependency. He wants more than a girlfriend. He wants someone dependent on him and feeling incomplete in herself. This gives him a feeling and a sense of power in the relationship. Make no mistake, it could be a benevolent power he seeks, but it is what he is looking for.
Similar to the co-dependent in a relationship centered on addiction, he gains his emotional needs on her dependence. The "needs me without being needy" thing simply means that he wants her dependent on him without being too vocal or demanding of him.
The type of dependency he's after makes for an unhealthy relationship. This is precisely why when his ex became more self-sufficient and less dependent, he was turned off. He wants the dependency factor in the relationship.
He needs someone your friend is not. And it's an unhealthy and slightly dysfunctional dynamic unless he finds a woman whose emotional needs are fulfilled by being dependent upon him.
Your friend and this guy are incompatible emotionally.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2011): he's co-dependent. there's two kinds of co-dependent people, and a co-dependent relationship needs to have one of each.One partner is needy and dependent. The other part is the "stronger" one and has a need to feel capable by being with someone who needs them, whom they can feel "one up" around. The relationship is based on the stronger partner taking care of the needy one.it sounds like this guy is such a person. he wouldn't have stayed with such a needy woman for so long (despite being so bored with her) if it wasn't to satisfy his own internal need to feel capable by being "stronger" than his partner. he doesn't know how to relate to a woman (romantically speaking) as an equal. Instead, he equates being in a romantic relationship with a woman as being in a caretaking and authority role over her like a parent to a child. He wants a woman who will be weak and dependent on him, so he can feel manly. This is not a guy who has confidence and good self esteem even though on the surface compared to his needy partner he does seem more self-assured. But that's the whole point. He can only feel good about himself, if he's "one up" his partner. and as expected, around your friend, he feels inadequate. Your friend shouldn't get into a relationship with him because he feels threatened by her. Why be in a relationship with someone who feels threatened by you? what good will that do?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (20 November 2011):
 sounds like the guy has an insecurity within himself where he likes to feel useful and helpful and be seen to be 'doing' things for the other party to demonstrate his value - diagnosing car troubles etc.
But he has issues if the other party is aa capable as him.
And he has major issues if he does not feel needed at all.
So unless your friend wants to
manipulaticely occasionally make out she is inadequate to appease his insecurities (i do not condone such actions, i think it disrespectful - but I have seen it done by
others) then, otherwize, this guy's same
issues will be there.
And then one day he may meet another. Someone in genuine need and who he can minister to.
This guy is not a great catch until he has worked out his own issues of Need to be useful with some therapy. There is nothing seriously wrong, he just has this big insecurity mill-stone around his neck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2011): I think your friend should run. He was abusive to his x treating her badly early on in their relationship and then he became bored and dumped her apparently when she gained more confidence and independance. This is not good sign.
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