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age
30-35,
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writes: My boyfriend and I just broke up yesterday. It just doesn't feel right. I am 19 and he is 20. He is in school for pre-medicine 2 hours away. We had been going out for 14 months and had already conquered the first year of school away from each other. He's always been a bit intimidated of how much we care about each other for how old we are. He has said he wishes he met me when he was almost finished with medschool instead of now. He believes that you date people at this age to get married. No wonder he's stressing out! Yesterday we were just discussing things about our relationship and it turned into an argument. He became very rude for no apparent reason. Once he calmed down he apologized and wondered out loud if he was acting harshly in an attempt to push me away. He's scared he won't have time for me at school. He's scared he won't want to make time for me once he gets stressed at school. He said last year he was super unmotivated and wondered if it was because of me (I don't think so). He wanted to try extra hard in the last 2 weeks he had here to get closer and what not. We talked some more and then he decided we were better of not together right now. I asked him immediately, "Why do I feel like this is a mistake?" and he replied, "Because you know me." This just doesn't feel like the right thing to do. I almost think it's self sabotage in a way. Today we met up for lunch to discuss our relationship. He says he wants to be selfish and not have to worry about my feelings. He is tired of feeling guilty about not talking to me, seeing me, etc. I told him about how I was scared he might use school as a distraction and ignore his feelings and he got all offended and told me to stop trying to tell him what he's going to do. Then kept contradicting himself. He said there was a less than 50% chance of us getting back together. What an odd thing to say! And that it would take longer than 2 weeks, yada yada. Then he said I'm still his friend and I was crying a bit and said I don't see him as a friend right now and he started yelling at me to get out of his car if I wasnt his friend. It was so weird. He just says he doesnt have the time or motivation to be committed, but the look in his eyes was SO sad when he said this and just didn't seem completely true. He almost started crying at one point, but held it back. I think he knows this is a mistake, but is determined to try to make it work at least. Ugh I just want him back. Please, can I have any and all advice for this? I really love him, with all my heart. I think he's scared of how much he loves me and how young we are...
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female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (20 August 2010):
 I just wanted to say that he didn't fall out of love because there is something wrong with you, but long distance relationships are painful and frustrating and he has a lot on his plate with medical school. You are very young and this guy I guess was your first love. It is very common at your age to break up because your life path's just don't mesh, it doesn't mean the realtionship wasn't full of love while it lasted, that is why he is so sad to hurt you and it is sad to have an important relationship end even if you're the person who is doing the departing, so realize he's hurting, too, but that doesn't mean he is making a mistake.
I think he is doing you a favor. And he is taking care of himself. Medical school is long and hard, and most medical students don't get married until they are finished with school, and know where they are doing their residency, which is another couple of years of long hours, little sleep and little money. He is goal oriented and driven and he is going to succeed in medical school it he doesn't have a lot of distractions.
I am sorry that you are going through this and are having a tough time accepting it, but you have to let him go. I think it would be best for you if you DIDN'T remain friends and have no contact for a good long while because otherwis you are going to try and talk him out of his decision which will just prolong the pain for both of you. Seriously, you musn't do that, let him go and ask him not to contact you, that you need to get over him. If he cares about you at all, he will respect your wishes.
Then you put your focus on you and start setting some personal goals for yourself and go about working towards them. I guarantee you 100% that you will fall in love again perhaps more than once.
Take care.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 August 2010):
 I concur - he is wanting out. He's chosen his school and pursuits over a relationship with you. He even said it - it's bad timing for him and he feels that the relationship with its obligations and demands are tripping him up out of his motivation for his school, and he's right.
You're in love with him, and the greatest act of love you can give him right now is to cut him entirely loose. Let him go, not bug him or rationalize with him about the state of your friendship. Grieve the relationship for what it was, and then YOU move forward with a life without him. Trust me, he's done you a favor by being honest, though I'm sure it doesn't feel that way to you.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (19 August 2010):
I agree with Oldersister.
Don't try to decide what he's feeling for him. Not only are you probably wrong, he is perfectly capable of telling you about it himself.
I get you're in love with him still and want to rationalize his actions in a way that give you hope, but the truth can't be bent like that. He's not scared. He's not in love any more and wants to be free. He pretty much told you as much, just not that directly.
Realize that what you're doing now is grabbing everything that supports your theory of his feelings, you can't possibly be objective. Instead of looking at his actions independently and trying to figure out what they mean, you have already decided what they mean and you are looking for signs that validate your view.
You're blinded by love. Give it time and reality will set in. Learn and move on.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 August 2010):
 He's scared you might meet someone else while he's away. He feels he's going to die if he finds out you became interested in some other guy, so it's better to break up first than having to endure that. You have to keep assuring him that you love him only, and you have faith in this relationship. Fact is many people stick with each other through college and made it. It seems that LDRs don't work because only people with bad news feel the need to spread the news to everybody. 2 hours is not an awful lot of distance. What are your plans? Why can't you take up a course or find a job in his university town?
Whenever a guy breaks up with you without sufficient reason, the best response to him is "your thinking is rigid. I completely disagree with your reasons. You are the one who's moving away and you are the one who's giving yourself pressure." Tell him there is zero chance that you would see another guy. I think he's crying for you to say "I love you and only you." Tell him you are strong enough to take care of your feelings. Tell him you would wish for him to talk to you but would not force it. Tell him what your plans are, what you would be doing to occupy your free time. Tell him you only wish for the best in his medical career.
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