| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: My partner is still in touch with his ex because of their kids. I hate it when she phones, he takes the phone into another room and i can hear him laughing. It nearly drives me mad but he says he can't be horrible to her because of me. I'm not asking him to be nasty but i don't see why he has to go on like this. He is genuinely a very nice caring person and their son does live with us and not with her. Sometimes i could scream the f house down. She comes right up to the door to pick the lad up and has to bring him right back to the door. He is 14!!! I think he is quite capable of walking from the car. They were married for 15 years and she ran off with someone else who she eventually married. He nearly had a nervous breakdown because she was his second wife to run off with someone else. He is so lovely, i do love him to pieces but this is making me feel sick. How do i cope with it?I've asked him to push her further into the background which he says isn't easy. We have recently tidied the garden up to make way for a extension and she even had plenty to say to him about that. We have been together for 18months. They split 3 years ago and seems like she thinks she still has say in his life, the house and everything else. He still hasn't told her we have got engaged! I feel like he still has feelings for her which he rigidly denys. We have never had an arguement until last night when he said she had been on the phone for ages yesterday and he seemed to tell her everything. I feel so mopey and flat today i could just drive off in my car and not come back. Any advice guys??
View related questions:
engaged, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Adelaide +, writes (14 November 2006):
 Firstly, please don't be so hard on yourself.
I hate to state the obvious but they were married for 15 years-they have a history and have had children. There will always be some communication between them this is a fact.
What you have to remember is that they split up for a reason, do you really think he would want to go backwards in his life? I suspect not!! Please listen- "He chose to move on with his life" and in doing that he "wants to be with you"!!!!
I agree to a certain extent that his son should be able to walk from the car to your front door- the question is does his ex do this knowing that it hits a nerve with you?
the more relaxed you become about the situation the sooner his ex will back off!!
instead of being on the defensive why not try to make friends with her- you may have more in common than you think! this may also take your partner by complete suprise. I think the sooner you accept his past the sooner you can move forward and have a strong and happy future with your partner.
In relation to the recent engagement- just a thought, why not get your friends to post you some congratulations cards, you can pop them in your lounge window, the ex is bound to ask who's birthday it is! what a perfect opportunity for you to tell her the good news yourself.
I advise you to build on your own self worth and confidence, you clearly are a strong person, and I have every confidence that once you have overcome this hurdle and you have lost the insecurities your life will become exactly what you want it to be.
Once you have mastered this and are able to control your mind concerning this issue - it will be a breeze- beleive me!
Next time he is on the phone to his ex and you hear them laughing, put those nigly negative thoughts to one side!and think about what you can be doing with him later!!!!!
Just remember he has chosen to be with you! your not in competition with his ex- she has moved on. Now I think its about time you did. It was a part of his life but remember you are his FUTURE!!!!!!!
I suggest you don't go for that drive! but to get home!!! get strong!!! and show this man and his ex your metal!!
Good Luck and Best Wishes
A
female
reader, Wolf Paws +, writes (14 November 2006):
 Ok, first of all, put your feet into the ex-wifes shoes. She has lost her husband and in many ways her son. Imagine the person you loved most in the world had to leave and live with another mother figure becuse of a breakup. its not easy for her i'm sure and you need to understand that she is acting on motherly instinct. You can't just expect her to never see her son. So what if she walks him up to door? is it really illegal for her to stand on your doorstep? Theres nothing wrong with your husband being friends with her aslong as this is all their relationship is. I want to help you but i cant help but feel your being a bit clingy and over sensitive. Fair enough,perhaps you could say it was HER fault, she was the one who cheated and got re-married and i understand how hard this must of been on your partner but peraps you need to come to a better compromise with him - e.g she cant control the new extension and hugely influence your decision but hey, maybe she's just trying to take an interest in the house where her still reasonably young son lives. Perhaps the calls shouldn't be so long, but allow him his privacy as you would with any other friend. Surely when your havng a heated debate with a close friend YOU want a bit of privacy? Even if its only a little bit? I think you need to sit down with your hopefully husband-to-be and discuss this topic calmly, letting him know how you feel but expressing the fact you are willing to come to a reasonable joint decision and compromise and maybe let the son have his say as well. maybe he wants to see a bit ore of his mum? i hope this helps and i'm really really sorry if you find any of this offensive or I have interpretated situations wrongly. All the best and good luck for the future,
Wolf Paws
-x-
...............................
|
