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female
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anonymous
writes: Falling for a married man - how not to?So...... He is married I know (wedding ring), but he never says 'we did xxxx' as in he and his wife did something. We've gotten close over the last 6 months (emails and coffee or lunch, but nothing more) and in ALL that time he's never once mentioned his wife. I think it's odd. In-laws mentioned on one occasion but that was all. But he's also got kids and will talk about them easily, but not actually say their names - again - odd.We've recently talked about plans to move out of the country (not together!) and on more than one occasion he's said to me 'I asked the kids how they'd feel about moving to xxxxxxxx for a while.' Hello??? Is it just me - but what about asking the wife?I'm one of these people that won't confront people about the inconsistencies in the things they say - yes I know it's a weak excuse but it's true. But now I feel like saying WHAT ABOUT YOUR WIFE???? I feel a bit manipulated (and consequently let down) but I'm angry (at myself) because I'm falling for him despite this. He's off on holidays soon (with his family - but again, wife not mentioned) so I won't see him for a couple of weeks. I wish it were sooner so that I could have some time away from him - I'm actually like a moth to a flame. (It's totally stupid. I can see the situation quite clearly and yet, I'm still falling..... and I'm angry at myself for not being stronger about it.)And of course I've read all these posts which say about the married person committing to their marriage - and I agree. But..... no 'but' really. I want him but not like this. But equally I don't want to lose the person who has also become a friend.I'm actually looking to start a relationship with someone else entirely inappropriate to distract me from the married one. It's almost inevitable - I'm not strong enough to deal with it by myself.And I'm not seeking approval - god no, I wouldn't offer it myself.But I'd like some objectivity.... some opinions.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (31 July 2006):
 "But equally I don't want to lose the person who has also become a friend."
This is easy to resolve. Set the boundaries on your relationship with your married friend, and tell him exactly what those boundaries are. If it is appropriate, let him know that you choose to remain friends with him because he is "safe" (as in married). Then see how he reacts in the weeks and months ahead.
If you only want platonic companionship then I think this approach gives you the chance to find out where his mind is at. If in the future he wants to cross the boundary, you shut him down and walk.
I have a female friend who is not married while I am. We discussed boundaries right from the beginning because we realized that while we had a strong connection, we were emotionally unavailable to each other. We are very close but in a platonic way, and we have an unspoken understanding: Cross the boundary = end of the relationship. And yes, I tell my wife everything that happens.
I hope this helps. Good luck and take care.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2006): Hey, I'm the anon who posted this qu.
I've been interested in the comments that were replied.
I have to say to WendyG, that I too thought (for a while) that maybe there was something with the wife - like she'd died or they were divorced/splitting but now I'm not so sure. You're right that the wedding ring don't mean that much. And I figured that if there was something he'd tell me when he was good and ready - and who knows maybe he will.
On the other hand, I do now think it's a bit (ok highly) unlikely and really I should deal with the issue and be strong about it, like DrPsych suggested. (DrPsych, you're right about being strong being a state of mind, but some days are easier than others!)
I know DrPsych reckoned he was no friend cos of him not being trustworthy etc, but that's a two way street and there's plenty I've not told him as well.
So conclusion(ish): I like him, but I'm not going to get too caught up in the whole thing. Hang out if it suits me and not if it doesn't. And I'll be looking around to see what other fish in the sea are swimming by....
And to the other anon - good to know it's not just me! I'm doing my best to keep up my guard, you too.
Thanks.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2006): I am in the same situation has you,i have falling in love with a married man who i have been seeing for the past 6 months too he hardly ever talks about his wife to me-i believe it is because he feels guilty and that is probably the reason.Try and keep your guard up because it can hurt,my married guy went on holiday last week and i missed not speaking to him so much.I understand where you are coming from because we are both in the same boat.take care. x
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A
female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (29 July 2006):
 This might sound strange, and you say you have known him for 6 months, but is his wife still alive ?? I mean yes he wears a wedding ring but have you actually asked him ? He might feel he cant tell you ? Just a thought ? I dont mean come out and say is she alive, but next time he mentions things say what does your wife say about it.. or something like that.... Something may have happend hence his interaction with you but isnt ready to tell you about her, or something did happen to her. Has he ever come out and said to you im married ? still wearing a wedding ring doesnt have to mean that he is still married. HOw did you meet ? you say you send emails and lunch together so how did you get to talking ? maybe you dont know enough about him, and hes not ready to give up more info yet ?
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (29 July 2006):
 1. He isn't mentioning the names of his wife and kids because that would personalise them - by keeping them at a distance in his own mind and not including you in his family life it is better on his conscience. He can treat them and you as separate parts of his life. It also shows he is a highly self-controlled person lacking in emotion as most people cannot help but slip out sooner or later about their families...it is natural! He must be a real block of ice.
2. He maybe asking his wife about moving...maybe not. If he isn't then it means he doesn't value his partners opinion and doesnt treat her as his equal. He clearly doesn't respect her or else he wouldn't be dating you.
3. You don't have a magic wand and you cannot control people - everyone does as they would like at the end of the day. Therefore you cannot hope that Mr Married is going to change...he won't, he doesn't want to - he dates you, he has a wife at home. He isn't your 'friend' as friends are generally trust-worthy people you can lean on at times of crisis - he is off on holiday with him family and his priority is with them and not you. His priority should be his family too and that is why relationships with married people can rarely work out in your favour.
Imagine he did change and he did leave his wife for you...you would be forever wondering if you could trust him because he cheated with you on her...how long will it be before he starts coffee-dating someone else?
4. You are looking for a relationship with 'someone else entirely inappropriate'...how more 'inappropriate' can it get than a married man with kids and a wife at home? Why not pass up your Mr Inappropriate no.2 and concentrate on yourself for a while on your own without the distractions of multiple unavailable or unsuitable men.
5. You say you are not strong enough to deal with 'it' by yourself - of course you are if you want to be...personal strength is a state of mind and it is also about self respect. Why settle for being some married man's bit on the side...why not like yourself enough to say no to that and feel confident enough to know there is someone out there who is single, uncomplicated and willing to treat you right in a relationship?
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