A
female
age
51-59,
*nagonyinflorida
writes:I need some support and advice. I have been in love with my boyfriend for 10 years. We have split up before mainly due to the way he has treated me and his emotional cheating with other women-cannot verify that he physically cheated. He got very ill and although we were apart i immediately returned to take care of him. we split up again. we are now together after about 14 months apart during which time he had a relationship with another woman the entire time but continued to pursue me. i was miserable without him. we had or used to have a lot in common. during the time we were apart, he experimented with swinging with his ex. we had done some things when we were together that were mostly on the voyeuristic level. he has changed, i imagine due to being ill, a great deal. he wants to continue experimenting including fully swapping partners and claims he has always been into it only now has he really gotten into it. I have moved into his home and everything else is great. however, we now only go to sex clubs and last weekend, as he watched a woman that i would consider much less attractive than me, i asked if that sexually stimulated him. he said yes. that woman was expressing her sexuallity for her man and he enjoys sexually aggressive women. when the woman reached out to touch me, i recoiled. he got furious and told me these were nice people and he was embarrassed by me. that i was too reserved and judgemental, bitchy and critical. he says he feels confortable in these places because he doesnt feel judged there as he does in regular night clubs.he is very intolerant with me and tells me that he doesnt think things will work between us when he gets angry. I love him dearly. I lost my job dealing with his illness and have adjusted a great deal to meet his needs. i have done many things sexually with him that i do not consider make me reserved and i have done them willingly. but he is hell bent that this is what he wants and because i am not comfortable with it he does not consider me a fun person. he says he wants a person that embraces life and is always happy. he also wants a family and a wife. I dont know where that leaves me. I have told him on many occassions that if his ex gave him what he needed he should have stayed with her but he says he loves me. I am tortured by this. I am 39 and dont have much time to start a family. he has had cancer so doing it will require a lot of medical intervention. he is extremely intelligent, very well liked and by outward appearances, we seem to mesh very well. but the things that drew us together before he has no interest in. its like the cancer has changed him so that he wants to live life just how he wants and to hell with everyone else. In three weekends he wants to take me back there and bluntly asks me if im going to have fun. he thinks people can have fun with sex and i agree. but our relationship is so new and fragile that i have a hard time even picturing him having sex with another person. i dont know if i can do this and i need help. how do i deal with a person that i am deeply in love with but is so addicted to this lifestyle and finding sex partners (which he calls friends) that he is willing to lose me over it. I am having a very difficult time disconnecting emotionally from him and would have to uproot my life yet again. what can i do? how can i deal?
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his ex, moved in, sex with another, split up, swinging Reply to this Question
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female
reader, inagonyinflorida +, writes (27 May 2009):
inagonyinflorida is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am an intelligent person and have always been very strong but for some reason, in the past couple of years, probably due to some difficult times, i have weakend. So although I try to think logically about all this and logic tells me the same things you are telling me, i find the decision to leave very difficult to make.
Last night i went to the movies with a friend. When i got home, he was sprawled on the floor watching tv. This morning I used his computer to check my email and as usual, all his swinger websites were open. What i found peculiar was that the movie times for the night before were also there. It was almost as if he was estimating the time i got home so that i would not catch him on these websites even though I already know he would be on them.
I have chosen to not mention another word about him spending time on the websites but i dont feel sexually attracted to someone that ALWAYS needs to look at porn before coming on to me. Dont get me wrong. I have no issues with men looking at porn. I guess its just an addiction with him. A part of his daily life in his quest to find a couple to swing with. I am taking one day at a time now. I have let myself grieve for all this and decided to only proceed logically at this point which i am sure he finds odd. It is the only way i can cope and although it sounds odd, living with him and slowly disconnecting until my work situation improves or i get to the point where i really dont love him anymore seems to be the best way to move on. I tried it the other way and it did not work. i was miserable.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 May 2009):
 You have a hard time disconnecting because the two of you have a LOT of history together. There are a lot of feeling between the two of you. It's only natural that you can no snap your fingers and feel NOTHING for him.
You will NOt be the bad guy for leaving. If his lifestyle isn't for you then it isn't for you. Him trying to FORCE it on you more or less now that is bad.
If you truly wants to break free ( so to speak) you might need to cut the communication. Delete his number, block his calls, e-mails. Pretend he moved someplace with no phone and e-mail. Then you need to take some time and mourn the relationship that no longer exist. Then you move on. Don't let him reel you back in because it is convenient for him.
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A
female
reader, inagonyinflorida +, writes (26 May 2009):
inagonyinflorida is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you to all that provided advice. My problem is that i cannot disconnect from him emotionally for some reason. I dont know why i cannot imagine life without him or stupidly, dont want him to go back to his ex or be with someone else. In this time i just cannot process logic. If you were to take out this issue, we would have a very good relationship even though he is not as willing to do the things that we used to do that brought us together in the first place. we are both scientists and shared an interest in many things. now he is more concerned with being happy all the time and being with someone that "embraces life" and goes out and has fun and cuts loose. He is completely normal in all other aspects so the reality is that i am the one that looks like the bad one if i leave. I have left him before and this time i promised myself i would not leave but i did not expect this whole swinging thing and finding 'friends' through these websites an issue. I have a two week respite from this as we will be out of state and then he will stay behind for another week. He intends on taking me back to this place and wants to know if i will have a good time.
Right now i have nowhere to go so i must bite the bullet and wait it out and hopefully muster up the emotional strength to leave and live a life without him. MY question is if his ex provided him with what he needed and was into doing these things, why did he come back to me? A question i have asked of him and his answer is he loves me.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 May 2009):
WHY are you doing this to yourself? I understand that a lot of people think they are SOO sexually liberated because they swing. It is not for everyone. And it should NEVER be "forced" on anyone either.
I would honestly leave. He cheated before and now he wants to swing? To me it seems like he wants to be able to cheat but justifiably.
If you don't want to swing then don't. It is NOT love when you force someone to do something they don't want to deep down. You CAN NOT "cure" or "change" him with love. You can not "change" him by doing stuff he wants but that you find degrading.
I know your biological clock is ticking loudly, but you are disregarding your own morals & values because you think he's the last man on Earth. Do you really want to have children and be in a relationship while he is swinging? Will you be running around to sex clubs pregnant, having sex with other men while having a big ole belly and swollen feet, because if you don't your BF will consider you NOT fun?
Sorry if I sounded harsh, but that is how I see it.
He is trying to make up for lost time, maybe because he is fearing death, he is trying to DEFY death. His way of doing that is having as much sex as possible. You can't have sex when you are dead......
Think on what you truly want from a man, a relationship and the future then compare and see, is this man even able to give you what you want/need? You obviously is willing to compromise yourself beyond belief for him, what is he doing for you?
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A
male
reader, rocknroll +, writes (26 May 2009):
I find your situation very troubling. I agree with you that you want to be there for you mate, but this crosses the line.
I can see your mate is in a bubble that he thinks provides him and you a more open and natural way of life, but I get the feeling the reality of it may look more like him standing amongst animals. The deep stare by others in these settings judging who you are and what they can get from it. Very creepy feeling. I once went to a nudest colony. I only went once. It was either me or it was the setting. It was creepy.
Not sure what you can do to get your man to see it your way, or that what he is doing is neither natural or ideal way of life. To me it widens the gate for many unexpected outcomes, which besides pleasure can't be good long term.
I'm afraid with his tone of voice, that you will have to uproot again, unless you agree to completely expose yourself to strangers; exposing not only the outside, but the inside as well.
Make it clear to him you do not agree with the life style and you will not participate, and if he insist, then the two of you just can't function normally as a couple.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): If you're not into it, you're not into it! I know what it is like to want to please your husband in every way...but going to extremes and going against your own morales, will hurt you emotionally.
He is not respecting your morales, by trying to force you into doing something you're just not into! Don't compomise yourself for anyone!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): Leave him is the answer. Sorry but he sounds like an absolute tit, particularly the way he spoke to you after the way you recoiled from the lady!! This isn't love or caring or anything else in a wonderful relationship. Here is a classic example of a man, who probably over the years has had his fill of porn, and has gone on to the next thing, forever trying to quench his thirst and satisfy himsself but he never will. Those are the saddo people; you know the old guys who creepily look at young girls and who try to convince you that somehow you are NOT fun because you won't participate. Yuuuccccccccckkkkkkkkkk. Somehow these arseholes think they are liberated when in fact their souls and hearts are empty. You know that gut feel you probably feel but ignore - well don't ignore it. You've written in for a reason. You and this guy are not compatible, but clearly it's difficult because he pursues you. However, I'd rather be single than be with a man like this. Hopefully you know what you must do. Good luck
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