A
female
age
51-59,
* little lost
writes:I've been living with my boyfriend for almost eight years, and during that time he has developed a serious drinking problem. At the beginning it was a wonderful love affair. But now he spends almost every night drinking with his friends. Whether he goes out or not, he ends each evening 7 days a week by getting drunk and usually passing out on the couch. I have seen this man soil himself, he gets so drunk. Yes, it's that far gone. When we argue about his drinking (usually when he's disgustingly drunk) he calls me a "stupid f------ c---" and nice names like that. Twice, however, he's become aggressive. The first time he got so angry with me that he had his fist raised over my face for about 15 minutes, and I could see he was struggling to decide whether he should hit me. A month ago, he shoved me a few times then finally grabbed me by the arm and threw me down and attempted to choke me. I screamed until he let me go, but he then screamed, "See what you make me do?" The next day he had absolutely no remorse for his behaviour. I am the daughter of an alcoholic parent, so of course, this is the type of relationship I know too well. I have stayed with this man so long that I'm now too old to have children and I feel stupid for wasting my life. If I leave, we'll have to sell off a gorgeous craftsman heritage house that we spent years restoring. I'd have to rent an apartment for awhile... it's all so depressing. Has anyone out there been through an abusive relationship and felt like it was almost too late to start over?Why am I so conflicted? What is wrong with me?
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male
reader, Namatjira  +, writes (26 February 2008):
Hi,
Do not think of it as starting over but as closing the door on a bad situation. Rebuilding your life is hard, but not as hard as your fear might let you think. It is also natural to be concerned about how your ex partner will cope in various situations and this is where it can feel cold to just let them get on with it. You are not responsible for their choices. Sometimes the best help we can give someone is to let them stand alone. There are many cases where this has been the making of someone, when they realise what they have lost and that it was really their own fault.
It is natural to feel grief at the end of a relationship and healthy too. I write poetry and have written a poem for a friend of mine when she left her troubled partner. So with your indulgence here it is:
Ending Grief
------------
How should you feel at relationships end?
What value the time you spent together?
Sunny days and carefree nights all at once
Present times past and now gone, mourn the time
Try to remember all that was better
To recall holidays and humour both
But still not forget why it's now over
Do not mind the grief, it's only natural
All life is full of stages in sequence
Each has its place, we can gain from lessons
With care gain closure then open new door
Moving from past to future on life's wheel
So take in the grief mix in the happy
All is part and parcel of any life
Like pain grief is the start of your healing
What's done is done grieving helps to move on
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The other thing to accept about your partner is that there is more help available to them once you have stepped back. Unfortunately we live in a world where society is quite prepared to let the family of such a person carry the load alone and only steps in to help when the family has broken down rather than trying to put it all back together when their is still time. This is not always the case but too often is.
You must protect your own sanity and safety first otherwise you would not be able to help anyone let alone someone with such serious problems.
By the way, I should just say my ex was not alcoholic yet, however she was violent and abusive and had other problems some extending back to her childhood. Many of the distressing chapters in her own past were as a consequence of her own behavioural and medical problems. But until she acknowledges that they exist and that she needs help she will continue to destroy every relationship she forms. I cannot be responsible for her choices and neither can I accept the burden of being partner to someone like her, not if it means my own destruction.
You are not alone, though it will feel like it sometimes. All the best in your choices.
A
female
reader, A little lost +, writes (26 February 2008):
A little lost is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi and thanks so much for your feedback. Your support and encouragement actually helps a lot, because even though intellectually I know what I should do I have a really hard time following through. When you are raised by an alcoholic you are taught that your feelings don't matter, so as an adult you don't trust your feelings, and you have to teach yourself boundaries. It may sound strange, but hearing what other people in my situation would do helps me understand that my feelings are justified and normal. That is why your words are so helpful to me.
The other thing is, I feel quite guilty leaving the boyfriend. I worry that he won't be able to afford the mortgage on his own, I feel sorry for leaving the dog... you name it, I feel guilty about it.
I would like to say to the man who left his alcoholic wife, good for you. My father stayed with my abusive alcoholic mother right until the end, when she'd had a stroke and continued to drink until it gave her fatal throat cancer. My father felt incredibly guilty at the thought of leaving my mother too. I'm trying very hard not to be my father right now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): Hi poster
Take it from 1 who knows its not better the devil you know this guy will only get worse and when he's done he will chuck you and the things you fear most will be a reality. So take the bull by the horns however hard it may be st the ball rolling to seperate.Its NEVER TOO LATE to sort your life for the BETTER. Don't even think about dating get yourself sorted either buy him out or he buys you out, get a flat, get all the help you can as I know its not easy, but the fact you are asking is showing you are considering it. Above poster gives great advice it unbelievable the feeling of being safe relaxed in your own place yeh sometimes its lonley butatleast you don't have to worry. I hope you find the courage to see this through, there are plenty people on this site that give great advice and encouragemnt so you do not feel alone. Best wishes are with you
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A
male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (25 February 2008):
Hi,
I know exactly what you are going through. My ex wife put me in hospital twice, was always careful to never attack me with witnesses and was expert at making me think her abuse of me was all my fault. The result, depression.
However you can start over. Do not get hung up on the house and other property. They are only things at the end of the day and you cannot take them with you at the end.
From my own experience, once I actually let go of everything (it took about 5 years for me - I am stubborn) it was a weight off my mind and I relaxed almost immediately.
Now I am rebuilding my life, opportunities are coming my way with work and other things, life is getting better and I have started going out again. I do not have a relationship yet but now I am confident that I will and that she will be worth the wait.
I sleep better, get more done, feel happier, do not get indigestion any more, am losing weight and getting fitter. All this because I am out of the abusive relationship and started over.
With the experience that you had with your alcoholic parent you know what to expect if you stay. Do you really want that? You can be happy and have a right to be happy, but only you - no-one else, just you, can decide what will make you happy.
It is worth noting that the world's best artists started many of their great works of art more than once before they got it right. Do not let fear of starting over stop you from finding the happiness you deserve. There is someone out their who will treat you properly and who will make you feel like a teenager again. You just have to get ready to start looking.
All the best and message me if I can help.
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