A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I feel a little stupid asking this, but I'm starting to become worried. I've never been an overly social person. I'm the type of girl who would prefer staying home and watching a movie, reading a book, studying, or playing a video game rather than going to party. I'm an introvert, and fairly happy with my routine. But here's my problem: I've dated only one guy and it was for six, short weeks. I broke it off because I couldn't stand being around him. I didn't want him touching me - and I especially didn't want him kissing me. For those reasons, I kissed him a handful of times. Every time I kissed him, I wanted to run. There was a lot of tonsil hockey and aggression. I was so turned off because 1) I wasn't comfortable with kissing yet, and didn't know how to relax 2) I felt forced into accepting his intruding tongue when I wanted to kiss him slowly and take my time adjusting 3) I was self-conscious about my unfamiliarity with the act.Since he was the first guy I ever kissed, you can imagine how inexperienced my smooches were. Well, fast forward a year and I'm still single without any more experience under my belt. I know this is not due to my looks; I'm not trying to sound conceited, but I get plenty of attention from men. It's a choice on my part. I want to focus on college, but I can't help but worry what will happen when I start dating again. I'm almost twenty-one and can't kiss worth a darn. Most people my age have had plenty of practice in middle/high school, so they already have a "style." Not me. I'm a virgin who's dated ONE guy, and kissed that one guy about seven times. I want some honest answers here, fellas...would you break it off with a girl if you realized she was 21, inexperienced, and new to kissing? Would you think she was weird, and possibly a prude? (Ironically, I'm probably the kinkiest virginal mind you'll ever meet).Am I destined to practicing on my hand because no man will stay long enough to teach me how to do the deed properly! Lol, Jk :PLike I said, this might seem stupid to you guys, but it's starting to make me nervous. How will I ever hone my kissing skills if I'm so worried about how the 21st century men will perceive me? Those men who are used to practiced, proficient girls. :(
View related questions:
kissing Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (1 December 2009):
"anonymous", thanks for getting back to us!
To you, kissing is something special that is shared between lovers. Until you find somebody with whom you share a mutual attraction, it will be awkward and clumsy and uncomfortable and disappointing because you are compromising your values. After you find that somebody, it will be awkward and clumsy and uncomfortable - and meaningful because you're learning with someone special. And if he truly IS your lover, all of that awkwardness and clumsiness and discomfort will probably be part of your attractiveness to him.
A couple more comments for you to think about. My wife and I were introduced to each other by a (much!) older mutual acquaintance. We were both out of college, and our friend knew we were both a bit discouraged about our inability to find suitable kissing partners. Our friend didn't just pair us up - she knew each of us well enough to recognize compatibility traits. As it turned out, my wife & I wrote to each other - real letters, on real paper - for over 3 months before we actually met. I think it was a great way for two quiet-and-shy people to get acquainted. On our first date, the day we first saw each other in person, she let me kiss her, and SHE kissed BACK! REALLY kissed back! And she still does, over 36 years later.
So don't worry too much about all the things you don't know about kissing all the guys you meet. You only really need to know how to kiss one guy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who took the time to write an answer to this question. I greatly appreciate it.
Now I feel better about my situation, and will keep this advice in mind when I start dating again.
Daletom, to answer a couple of your questions, I view kissing as "something you do for the mutual pleasure of you and your lover." :)
Also, I appreciate your advice about communication. I need to remember that open and honest talking is key to a successful relationship. Maybe it's my age, but I find such communication (on my part) challenging at times. It is something I must work on.
I was repulsed by the guy I dated because I realized I wasn't attracted to him on any level. He was a sweet boy, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. However, I realized that it was better to end the relationship sooner rather than later. If I had chosen to drag it out, it wouldn't have been fair for me or him. I respected him, so I ended it.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2009): Although I'm a 22 year old guy, I can describe my situation fairly similarly. Although I don't get much attention from women and I've never had a kiss.
I think it is possible that some guys who are looking for some quick fun will probably not consider you. But, if a guy gets to know you and really cares about you, he won't really care that you don't have experience in kissing. I think he might even be excited by the fact that you held out for him. The only issue in that case is that the guy might perceive that you have very high standards for the kind of guy you're willing to kiss, and he may figure that he's below that standard. That means that you may need to at least signal that you are open to kissing and the physical aspect of a relationship when you meet the right guy. But don't worry that your lack of kissing experience will turn him off -- if there is a mutual attraction, it won't matter.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): Sorry for the girl post, know you wanted guys, but here goes anyway.
If I started seeing a guy who was 21 and couldn't kiss, it would be a turn off. But that is only if I was only after sex and to use him If I actually cared about the guy, it woulnd't matter. If I was in love, or loved him, it would be the least of my concern, I think I might even be happy he chose me to teach him and that he could be that confident with me and allow me to teach him how to kiss.
So, just a guess, if a guy likes you, is on love with you, he wont care about that, but be happy to show you, and also take things slow and not rush you into tongue action.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): Ive been trying to meet a girl like you for quite along time, but I only seem to get girls who wanna party every night. sigh.......ok sorry Im supost to be helpping arnt I
My first gf only pecked. Im pretty sure im a lousy kisser, but I still have relationships. I dont think its important really. Guys will want you for you, so dont worry so much about it.
...............................
A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (24 November 2009):
 I'm not a guy, but I'd like to let you know you're not alone. I'm 22 and until recently, had been in the same situation. Before meeting my current (and also first, ever) boyfriend, I had only been kissed once. Yes, once. It was back when I was 16 and just wanted to get my first kiss overwith.
Like you I had gotten attention from men, but it never seemed to feel right and sometimes even made me uncomfortable. I preferred being alone to being with someone that only wanted me for one thing. I'm also on the quiet side, and had never really been the partying type.
I can't speak for all men, but when I told my boyfriend of my inexperience, he was extremely understanding. Over the last few months he's been wonderfully patient with me, and is quite willing to teach me what I don't already know. It was such a relief to know he didn't judge me for it, and even understood my reasons behind not showing that side of myself to anyone before. Also, there are some that find virgins/inexperienced girls in general appealing, I suppose it's knowing they're someone's first.
So don't worry about being inexperienced, and don't tell men right away. Let them see you for you, and not how much you may or may not know.
...............................
A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (24 November 2009):
Well, first I have to figure out what kissing means to you. Is it mostly some obligatory duty of girlfriends and wives (at least for the first few years of marriage), or a way to give and receive erotic stimulation, or something you do for the mutual pleasure of you and your lover?
If a guy breaks it off BECAUSE you are "21, inexperienced, and new to kissing" then he's probably looking mostly for the physical sensations of a sexual relationship. If that's also what you're looking for there's probably no way around the problem except to find a guy who will help you learn these things. A younger guy - say, 17 or 18 - may be willing, though he may not know much more than you do so you'll learn together with a lot of trial and error. An older guy - roughly your age, up to 30 or so - may take up the challenge with the hopes that his penis will be the first to open up and stretch your vagina. Either guy can potentially give you pleasurable physical sensations.
If a guy is truly interested in the possibility of an emotional and mental relationship with you, then yes, the complete lack of experience will cause him to wonder if you are, indeed, some kind of prude. You'll have to find a way to explain to him exactly WHAT kind of a kinky prude you are! In case you don't already know: whether it's the 21st century or the 1st century, guys of about your age who think about long-term attachments with a girl, are hoping it will lead to sex - a LOT of sex! And, they MUCH prefer a partner who is similarly hopeful.
Why were you repulsed by your first B/F? Perhaps the most important part of learning to kiss, or learning the wider range of activities that come under the category of "making love", is to effectively communicate your desires to your partner. Especially at your age the best way to do this is to come out and say it. Specifically. Not just, "I don't like that.", but at a minimum "I don't like your tongue in my mouth when we kiss.". Better still, "I don't like your tongue in my mouth when we kiss. Can we just kiss gently for a while? Here, let me show you how I like it . . . ".
Eventually, you will learn to "read" each other's desires and intentions and the conversation will occur without words.
(At least, most of the time. After 35 years of marriage my wife and I still ask each other things like "Are you wanting to snuggle, or have sex?".)
Guys need to learn how to kiss, just as much as you do. Don't be afraid to let them know that you are learning together. I've done really serious, erotic, kissing with only two women. I was already 18 before I first kissed a girl. I am very grateful to Patty for taking the time to teach me during those few months after we graduated from High School. She wasn't afraid to take the lead and to tell me (and show me) what to do. I never fondled her, much less saw her naked or had sex with her, but she taught me how to make love with a woman. Four years (and no girlfriends) after she broke up with me I met the woman who is now my wife. She has no idea how much pleasure she has experienced, due to what I learned from my first G/F.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): No. I think attraction has a lot to do with it though. If you're not attracted to someone you really will not want to be kissed or to kiss them. You will also not be relaxed. You need to find a guy that you find attractive and let nature take its course.
...............................
|
