A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I are in our mid-40's and have been going together for just over a year and a half. We've been living together for the last 6 months. She told me last month that after the year lease is up on our rental house that she wants us to find separate places to live. She doesn't want to break up. She just thinks that we moved in too soon and that we both need to live alone for a while and just date like we did the first year we were together. We've both been previously married for over a decade to other people. She's never really lived alone for more than 6 months. I on the other hand had lived by myself for many years before getting married. I on the other hand feel that moving in with her was the best thing that's happened to me in a decade. It feels so natural and great to share a life with the one I love. I have never liked living by myself. To me living alone is just one step up from a prison cell. It's lonely, cold, boring, and loveless. She says she needs to know she can survive on her own and not depend on me. I feel kind of like I've got cancer with only 6 months to live. She tells me to not be upset about it and not stress about it but to me it feels like we're taking a huge step backward in our relationship. Before we were looking at wedding rings and talking about our lives together and now I feel like being with me is just an obligation now. I'm really hurting. I love this girl so much and I feel like I'm losing her. I know I'm probably being selfish in wanting to stay living together but it just feels sooo right to me. I can't help but feel that she thinks that she just settled for me and could do alot better with another guy.
View related questions:
moved in, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, SeanRN +, writes (10 October 2016):
I say move on.
I think most people don't really believe in true love, are hurt in one fashion or another, don't fully trust themselves or anyone else, and would rather settle for parts and pieces of relationships instead of being fully intimate.
I believe that those of us are truly in touch with ourselves and want to express our love fully with our partner deserve a partner that feels exactly the same way.
Good luck and I'm honestly sorry you're dealing with such emotional concerns.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2011): In our lives we move forward not backwards and she is not being truthful with you i feel there is something else going on here,this for me would be a red flag
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (28 August 2011):
 I agree with your initial assessments: this does look like a step backwards in terms of your relationship.
I suspect there is a bit more going on than what you are saying in your post. You state that you were looking at wedding / engagement rings, what happened? I wonder if she got tired of waiting for a marriage proposal or she is still recovering from her divorce and wants to see if she can make it on her own. Were you a rebound relationship? Does she lack confidence?
At this point, I think you have to ask her what you and her long-term plans are. Are you still dating? Are you still a couple? What sort of time line is she looking for. Financially, does this make sense?
Sadly, you may have to let her go to find herself. If she was meant to be, she'll come back to you and remain in your life.
Finally, you may want to consider writing a letter, expressing your fears and love for her. Keep it short and allow her to read it privately, so that she knows how you feel. At least you'll know that you've conveyed your concerns and feelings and it'll be up to her to determine what to do next.
Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2011): Ive lived alone for the last 3 years, that is without children, without a man a lot longer.I enjoy my space as its the first time ever and am already used to not having a man and being able to cope with anything, am greatly independant.SO I can see exactly where she is coming from and also you. She has obviously thought about this and probably realises she needs her space for a time. Financially it will be harder for her. But she will be able to choose who and how she spends her free time and space with.What she can cope with.Before she settles down againIts a risk for you and I can see how you may think she's slipping away slowly. It doesn't mean its over it is a step backwards but one she feels she must make.And you have to let it happen.The only way you will get to the bottom of it all find out her views and motivation is to talk and listen.
...............................
A
female
reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (28 August 2011):
 First thing is, just because you have separate places doesn't mean you can't have sleep overs. I'm sure you two will still spend a lot of time together if this happens.
Secondly, you need to tell her about these feelings. You need to have an honest, no bars talk to figure out exactly what all is behind this change. Once that is addressed, you'll have more of an idea of where to go from here.
...............................
A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (28 August 2011):
 I can see both sides here. I understand how you feel and I think it's a normal reaction on your part to feel like this about this move. Equally though I understand where she is coming from too. My husband works away from home a lot and it's really important to me to be able to do stuff for myself like chop wood, change tyres, run the house etc otherwise I wouldn't be able to cope when he goes away. Can you get her to put a time limit on the seperate houses at all? Tell her how you feel about this whole idea too.
...............................
|
