A
male
age
51-59,
*at1972
writes:HiIve been with my Girlfriend over a year now, things are good between us and i love her lots.But im struggling to deal with her past sexually. I know from chatting that at 41 shes had 'about' 27 partners, maybee half a dozen of them being one night stands. She said that in the majority of those cases she thought more would come from it.Myself im a little old fashioned, ive had 6 partners in my life, all as a result of long relationships.I have no problems with our current sex life but thinking about her having a history of being 'easy' is putting me off intimacy:- i know its utterly stupid of me!. But i cant help it. Shes given me no reason at all not to trust her and i do trust her.Has anyone else been in this situation? If so how did you deal with it?. I dont know why this bothers me so much or what is going on in my head but it does.Thanks
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her past, one night stand, sex life Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011): I know exactly how you feel regarding the fact your gf has had more lovers than you have and the feelings that it brings with it, the insecurities, asking yourself questions like 'am i bigger than them, smaller, will i be compared to past guys, will she rate me the best'.. but something i have come to learn myself, is that, yes, my gf has had alot more lovers than i have, but, love changes everything, if you love eachother, and communicate together, talk about your fears and your thoughts together, you can move past that, and enjoy your life together, both love making and the mental side of your relationship. Come to realise that she is not a lose woman in that respect, she is with you, and cares for you, loves you and wants you, and her past bedroom antics, mean nothing, because she loves you, wants you and is with you.
A
male
reader, metalsman +, writes (24 March 2010):
 Hi Yos,
Yes I can honestly say i'm ashamed to have written that poem..in a low moment..there's been quite a few..
Anyway thanks for the comments associated..
Regards
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (24 March 2010):
 Wow. That's quite a poem! Powerful stuff. Did you write that? I can identify with the sentiment 100%.
I have to say though, do understand that this is a particularly male perspective. Men and women are just different in this regard. Meaning, a woman can have had a great many lovers and still have a truly special connection and feeling with her current lover, especially the one she's found true commitment with. I know this because I know quite a few women who have. Why? Because that commitment is what takes it to that next level.
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A
male
reader, metalsman +, writes (24 March 2010):
It can be an issue, it is for me..and ultimately "could" become an obsessively destructive intsrument in a relationship. There are some on this site that would say things along the lines of "if you can't accept it then leave her" etc..Hard as it sounds there's a lot of sense in these comments and having suffered the same issues myself that's the conclusion i've come to after a pretty long time married...it's just too painful for me and her.
This is something I thought i'd share with you..for what it's worth..
WAS IT SPECIAL?
So, was it special?
How can that be?
When there’s been a host
Of guy’s all before me
I thought maybe at first
I had your sole appeal
But the others of course
Have all made you squeal
The uniqueness, the one-ness
Have both passed me by
When I think of the times
Your old lovers have tried
A team-mate, a college lover
Was there really any point
When just a shag was
The goal of smoking a joint
The risks that you took
When bedding these clowns
Would be enough to make
Good old Lucifer frown
Casual encounters with
Wanton neglect
Were the virtues you
Ultimately chose to elect
When we lie there together
In bed sharing ourselves
I’m constantly reminded
Of everyone else
Your previous lovers
On the list you disclosed
I think if you’re honest
There’s more to enclose
And so to your Husband
Who’s decided to yield
Why not, for sure, after all
He’s just another in the field
So, was it special?
I say, “No, was it hell !!”
Why?
Because of the other’s who’ve been there as well
Good Luck, and don't be guided too much by my cynical viewpoint..it's just what's valid for me and my own circumstances.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (24 March 2010):
I've rationalised the feelings that same way a lot. Yes, in some vague sense something about sex does feel 'cheapened' because of this.
But all that really means is that your sexual experience is with fewer people, so individual women feature in it more prominently. The word 'cheapened' implies a negative. But that negativity is only in you; your emotions, no one else's.
You maybe think of yourself as a old fashioned? I also blamed age / cultural differences. But the reality is plenty of people have been having sex with plenty of other people as far back as it goes. You two just fall at different ends of the normal distribution curve. We talk about it openly more now.
I recommend watching two movies that are both great, as well showing sexual behaviour hasn't changed as much as some say. One is A Streetcar Named Desire, with Brando. Written in 1947, and the other is Some Like it Hot, 1958
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A
male
reader, pat1972 +, writes (19 March 2010):
pat1972 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all thanks for the responses.
To answer the question about what it is that bothers me. It isnt that im worried ill be compared to other lovers no. We communicate our needs in that area well, so i have no worries that ill 'satisfy her' in the bedroom.
I guess to me sex and intimacy is something done in a loving relationship and means something. To her it seems something casual that can be entered into after a few hours talking.. and thats what bothers me, it is stupid but it makes me feel that what we do is 'cheapened'
Hope that made sense and thanks again
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (18 March 2010):
On the comment below this one: anon makes good points about evolution, I basically agree with them.
However this isn't about having different 'morality'. Remember that our contemporary western morality is based on 2000 years of Christianity, a male-dominated religion that has been used to judge and control women for most of it's duration.
If morality can teach us anything about this issue, I'd say only that it regards the highest act as true forgiveness. The moral thing to do here is to respect her and love her, not judge her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2010): Your view of sexual morality does not match hers. It's a problem of compatibility more than anything else.
What you feel IS natural. It DOES make sense. Thousands of generations of evolution shaped our opinions about what is attractive and right and wrong in a partner. Her behavior would have posed a serious threat to your odds of reproducing up until the last 100 years changed the story. Birth control, STD testing, paternity testing, etc.
Your intellectual mind can reason that there is nothing wrong with her lifestyle, but your emotional psyche does not obey that kind of logic.
It's no different than a woman trying to reason with herself that her BF looking at porn is not a threat to her. Her mind knows the reasoning, but her emotions still believe that this represents unfaithfulness. Her primitive instincts don't know the difference between the guy looking at a fake image of a total stranger and him looking at a real live other woman in person.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (18 March 2010):
This is a fairly common problem, you are by no means the only person to experience this. I had a similar thing happen, it took a while for me to get past it and was very difficult for a bit. I've commented on this issue here a great deal, I suggest you look through my post history, you'll find lots there.
If I was to distil 'the solution' down to one simple explanation: I'd say it's about teaching yourself not to think about it. You can't change the past, you can only change your reaction to it. Or in this case, learn to not react to it.
And it's not stupid. There are many perfectly valid reasons why you'd feel like this. Having a feeling is never stupid. It's only 'stupid' if you let it ruin your relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2010): If you love her enough, you can deal with it, it really is just a matter of trust and self-confidence. She is with you now, look into the future and don't dwell in the past, you can't change it anyway. At least she is experienced. :)
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A
female
reader, veronika  +, writes (18 March 2010):
 I'm more worried by the fact that you think she's 'easy' since she's had more partners than you. So, she's 41 and she's had 27 partners. When did she start having sex? For argument's sake let's say she's been having sex between the ages of 17-21 (just a guess, could be earlier, could be later) - in that scenario she's been sexually active for 20-24 years. So 27 partners in (approx.) 20-24 years isn't at all bad when you think about it.
Do you feel "less of a man" in comparison, because she's a woman and she's had more sexual partners than you? Do you resent the fact that she perhaps isn't as "old fashioned" as you? Do you have a skewed vision of female sexuality?
These are questions you possibly need to ask yourself to find out why you feel the way you do. There is a reason.
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