A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear All Helping souls,I am from a south asian country - India - and have a problem.Being a workaholic I have repeatedly given preference to my work over family and wife. (family has one 3.5 years old child and we are married for 6 years). We are 38-32 years old couple and I have a good paying job while she has joined an MNC job recently. In her previous job, she was working in a small company and had more time. There was a incident where she was abused and photographed by my relative, and I came to know about it and held her in extreme contempt for close to 5 years. I verbally abused her a lot during that time. I came to realise just a few days back that this abuse could not be her fault - but she still keeps on talking to this relative without any anger. This relative has last year sent her a birthday card also - which she told me recently (after nearly one year).Recently my wife went on a date with her colleague to a nearby resort and I suddenly sensed this - (as husbands and wives can I suppose). They had met over 20 days back on some internet chat site and then met for going to the resort after 10 days of chatting. I found out and also got a pic of the same where they are posing together. This person is on her gmail chat list and she keeps chatting to him in the evening after work (when at home) or when she is on tour. She asks our full time maid about the child and takes least interest in me. Her absence from home is really hitting me hard. I wish that she gets a non travelling job so she spends more time for the child. But telling her now- I dont know will lead to what situation.I suddenly realised that I have not been fair to her, and have taken her avoidance of me really badly. I am not able to sleep clearly and have started loosing my interest in my job (which i really love). I have started paying attention to her but her response has not been equally emotional. Not to mention, when i wanted sex and told her that we have it quite less (once every 2 months or so) she said that she did not feel the need for it and our constant fights led her to her lessening interest.I am worried that my own behaviour has shaken up our marriage, and am really really interested to get it back. She is surprised that I have suddenly changed so much and does not understand why - no anger, no shouting, no breaking things etc. I sense it would be some time before she sees me in a new light.To all the people who have faced this situation (esp ladies) or can help me - , just wanted to ask you - a) Can my real effort get this relationship back? I am not looking for a divorce. I love her but took the relationship for granted.b) Did the date also end in sex?c) Should I tell my relative to back off and gone for good.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Mandy thanks a lot. The relative case is separate. The relative had taken her photos.The colleague story is separate. He is from near her office and she apparently had gone on a date with him and enjoyed this last year eve, while my grumpy self was at home. What has happened is that I found this relative had a few pics of her. In one she was being kissed by him, in another her nipples were partly seen through her dress, and I really blew my top with my wife. When i asked her why and cried a lot, she told me that he had made her drunk and then may have taken the photos. She does not recollect/ has memory of the same. After this, I was involved in an accident (3 years back)and had to be in bed for over 6 months. During those times when I was on crutches she took to smsing a few unknown numbers. When I asked her, she was evasive. I finally traced it to a female friend of her - call her K - which she had mentioned to me just after I had confronted her with this. K apparently lives close to where my wife belongs to. (Only a few days ago, K's in-laws had come to our city and my wife really spread the red carpet for them which she does rarely. However I was really surprised to see that during the entire visit she did not ask about K, but asked with wistfulness about their son. This son is nearly my age and is in a good position.)SHOULD I RUN A CHECK ON THIS FAMILY to know what is the actual issue with K or her husband with my wife? Additionally when i was bedridden, she was smsing a doctor in the hospital i was going to at 1 am in the morning - and told she had just befriended him.This time I have told her father and her elder sister about this new date and also all old issues. They both have seen the verbal anger I had and have advised me to give her unconditional love and she might change. I will show the photo I have (which I hacked out of her account)and I am planning to tab her internet activities over 2-3 months, so that should the dalliance with other mails goes on, I can then think of a divorce (do not want it really). However, loving her madly (as I have started to do now) and testing her commitment (as I plan to do) are taking a heavy toll on me.
A
female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (19 January 2012):
 HI
I commend you for wanting to try and change, and re-build your relationship, However I think your wife is pulling a fast one here. If this relative indeed assulted her and took pictures why would she still be talking to him, let alone going out for drinks with him and chatting online. I feel they are doing a little more than talking.
However if you have been verbally abusive towards her, and smashing things, which will frighten her and push her away, its no wonder she dont want to have sex with you. I think if you want this marriage to work then you need to tell this relative to leave your wife alone, and make no further contact. then I suggest you both seek proffessional help with a marriage councilor. If she wants to make this work too, if not then I guess the only thing you can do is move on and learn from this.
hope this has helped
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have stopped going on porn sites and m****rbating on those videos. Additionally I really loved some other girl before my marriage and had kept in touch with her even after marriage. I had at one point in the past 5 years also told my wife that if the marriage had not happened, I would have married that other girl. This she could readily sense. Should I tell my wife that emotionally i want to break away and focus my attention on her only? Or just remain steady in my corrective behaviour so that she relaxes and it also becomes a habit for me.
She does not know that i have seen the date picture and still does not know why I have changed so much in 10 days.
Today was the first day she laughed with me and commented that i get too readily hassled in a situation. I also said that truly speaking - her laughter made my day but she changed the topic.
If I give all my love and attention to her, will she love me back or is this 20 days dalliance and date will lead her to explore possibilities with other males?
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