A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Two situations I need help with, that involve professional/personal blurring amongst gay men:- I have this friend; he is very well connected in the art world. He is friends with a hotel owner, who has offered him a full paid up trip in Europe, hotel, food, everything. My friend who is also a gay guy has invited me, I want to go. I 50% find this friend intellectually stimulating, 50% he can be difficult/an demanding/needy. I'm happy to go, but not if there is an expectation of sex. It’s not clear if he just wants company or has an agenda or sexual expectation. I also don’t want to lose this friend as he's very usefu/helpful to me, I definitely don't want to make him feel rejected. How do I navigate this situation? I want to be upfront but I don’t want to bring up a conversation that will jeopardise friendship. Do I ask if there is a separate room/bed? Do I pretend I have a jealous boyfriend?2) A person who I really want to work for who works for a very respected and prestigious company, became my friend through my work. He encouraged me to pitch him ideas, which I did every month over the course of two years. Every idea was politely rejected. It was very despiriting, but still every time he was in town, he would ask me to go out partying with him and would make time for me. I feel disappointed as I did all I could to show him I was a committed to job as well as being someone who could be his friend. I don't want to burn bridges with him as he works somewhere I would really like to work but also I feel he might have used his position of influence to steer me in friend zone with false hope of work. I also used friendship and being a fun/available person in the hope he would work with me (it never happened). I realize I've been making him a priority, and after two years, I have gotten very little back. Whenever he's in town he is always trying to get us to meet, and even when I say I’m busy, he tries to reschedule, I've told him directly I need work, but he never provides it. What do I do in this situation? I’m thinking I should turn down meeting and say “I need to focus on finding more work as I’m broke, so might need to pass this time”, to really make it hit home that I am not only his party companion. All advice/criticism gratefully received.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (29 July 2019):
 Asking him about separate beds was a nice way to gather information without presuming he wanted sex (which he obviously did) and thus you can make your choice based on that.
There is nothing RUDE though in making presumptions (we ALL do it ALL the time) sometimes it just comes down to HOW you word it.
As for the whole using and being used, yes I get it it but in the long run it will NOT benefit you as much as you may think. NETWORKING (which is ENTIRELY different it can become more of a give and take, if you ALWAYS give give give, you will be USED. And that will RARELY benefit YOU.)
Unfortunately I think you are right that journalism is not so much about talent these days, which is a shame. You can't read an article without it having to be political or super PC, both are not REPORTING the news or exposing "whatever". So I can see why you want to thread lithely around that guy, however when you after YEARS have gotten NOWHERE "schmoozing" up to him, you ARE wasting your time and should try a different approach. Maybe even with a different person.
Pitching ideas doesn't mean you are good (or bad) at your job, you might just be talking to the wrong person.
If you really WANT him for a friend then TREAT it like a friendship, not like "uh maybe I can get a job if I hang out with him".
Good luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2019): I am not politely dismissing what you said.
But explaining that it isn’t black and white. People do kind things sometimes with no expectation but this isn’t one of those instances. Sometimes situations aren’t clear. I think also asking someone who is a friend of they had sexual intentions can become horrible, I had a house mate who once accused me of this and it ruined the dynamic.
Not in an arrogant or defensive way. In second situation, my understanding is don’t use this guy but also don’t let myself be used. Is that fair?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2019): Seems much like you're politely dismissing our advice, and rationalizing. I think you'll have to continue on your present path, and hit enough walls that you'll recalculate; that's when you'll plot a different course of action. No matter how you delude yourself, you're taking advantage of people; and avoiding being used yourself.
I'm gay too. I've never been offered an expensive vacation for free, no strings attached. There was always a hidden-agenda. If you knew all the sordid details, you'd probably quickly decline the offer. Nothing like hidden surprises. Some people are indirect and rather put you in the position that you can't refuse or you feel under obligation to compensate them for their generosity.
If you've asked for help and your sources make no effort to do so; that might be because they think you're exploiting their friendship. I'm just saying, I could be entirely wrong!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys, these are excellent responses and very helpful to me. I think in the first situation, the problem is I really wasn't sure if he had a sexual interest in me, as he doesn't show any signs of it in typical way. There are people who genuinely would invite someone out of wanting nice company. Often asking directly can be seen as arrogant, presumptious and makes things awkward very quickly. Having said that I did ask him if we had seperate beds and his response told me that he did want to share a bed and had neglected to mention that details. So that situation is now resolved.The second situation is also complex, because in my industry we have been advised to network seniors and to befriend them, its so competitive that unfortunately this is a method proven to work, I have seen people who arent very good repeatedly get opportunities, it is a mystery why and the only explanation is they had some connections. My view is my industry (journalism) is built on unfairness, lies and nepotism. So its not enough just to be good at what I do. I have never wanted to fast track my self, but have been open about my intentions and what I want. I never asked for this friendship, he kept steering us in that direction. I was happy to let go and move on. I recognise now, if I dont value this person for who they are, then I should let them go as that indeed is using (just as they have lightly used me). Instead my view is to accept this connection for what it is, life is a mystery and maybe in the future it will be apparent why I haven't been published, or maybe he will reveal himself as a friend in different ways apart from professionally. But for that to happen, its up to me take the reigns and not invest any more than I would with anyone else, as someone giving me a freelance opportunity (not a job actually) is not the same dynamic as an equal friendship, where actually like anyone else, he will have to earn my friendship and I him over a period of time. How does that all sound to you guys?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2019): (1) Accept his offer only if he confirms no strings-attached. Use your words and be honest. Don't use him, and don't expect him not to want something in return. You're asking us to advise you how to use somebody; and still benefit from keeping them around for future use and status. Sorry, but you'll have to tell him that there is no sex to be expected; and if he withdraws the offer, then you'll know that was the deal.
When people offer you extravagant gifts or make you offers difficult to refuse; they have ulterior-motives. They are also quite aware that they are being used, and have every right to turn it around.
(2) Stop offering your ideas if they're not being utilized. It is likely you are being used as an unwitting resource; but your friend sees you as a threat. Jealousy prevents him from helping you. Maybe he's being honest, and your ideas aren't that good!
Your ideas may have been put to use or tested unbeknownst to you, or somehow modified or changed to remove your signature; so as not to be recognized. If you don't work with him, you don't really know if he has been stealing your ideas or not. If you offered them free of charge, you authorized him to do so. His pretense to want to help you is merely to pull the wool over your eyes; and keep dangling the carrot to keep you available for future use. What goes around, comes around!
If you've been offering yourself up as his boy-toy (sex doesn't have to be involved) in the sense of always being available to party; that's the only use he has for you.
If you are an attractive person; you are his arm-candy and ice-breaker on the party scene. I got rid of friends who used me in this way. I don't like being used as a wing-man, and being unaware of the fact. While they let me break the ice, and attract a good-looking suitor; then they'll swoop-in or pounce, like vultures and jackals! Gay-men can be quite manipulative and underhanded! If you let them!
You have to be upfront and candid with people. Don't assume they can't see your hidden-motives; while you're avoiding being used yourself. If they don't wish to boost your career, but instead take advantage of you; then you have to decide if there is really a true friend-ship between you. I think you're being somewhat hypocritical.
My well-heeled or wealthy older gay-friends are always being pursued by handsome younger-men looking for a career-boost, sugar-daddy, or a shortcut to success. They want to enjoy prestige, rub elbows with the upper-crust, and enjoy the benefits of wealth they had no part in earning. Either side got played in the end!
It's better to form your friendships based on honesty and sincerity.
If you want work, you'll have to network and form relationships for that particular purpose. Then everyone knows where you're coming from. Real-friends help each other under no-obligation or hidden-agendas, my friend.
If you need mentors, don't stick exclusively to gay-men. Find people (regardless of gender or sexual-orientation) willing to help you based on your experience, strong-character, good-skills, and proven qualifications. People who want to open doors and help you; because that's what they do willingly. Without phony-friendship as a cover.
When it comes to fancy trips and expensive offers, don't prostitute yourself. It's still prostituting, if you accept with the knowledge that sex is truly the motive behind the offer. That's still being an opportunist.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 July 2019):
Situation #1
Just be UPFRONT and tell your friend:" hey I'd love to travel with you and be good company but I'm not looking for anything sexual, I want to be upfront so you can CHOOSE if you rather bring another friend/companion".
He isn't a friend if you can't BE honest and say what's on your mind.
If you can't tell him ahead of time, I'm not interested in sex with you, don't go.
Guy #2
Whenever he calls just say:" no can do" and if he suggest "re-scheduling" tell him you will get back to him, and then don't. EVENTUALLY he will get the point.
As for staying "friends" with guy #2... your ulterior motives of getting a job through him is NOT going to happen. FIND your own way into a job you want, you can't RELY on others to GET jobs for you. Yes, networking can be useful but in this case, it's NOT.
He doesn't OWE you work either. My guess is he's used some of your ideas for HIMSELF. IF he helped you get a job there... well, then it would be YOURS ideas people would hear about, not what you pitched him and HE might have pitched them.
My advice? Don't just make friend with people you can USE. Because they will USE you in turn and well, that isn't REALLY friendships. That is mutual beneficial acquaintances until someone MORE useful shows up.
I like that you are VERY honest about these "friends" but I question how good of a friend you really are. I have NEVER made friends with someone because perhaps they could be USEFUL to further my OWN goals. Networking is NOT the same as USING people. Just a thought.
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