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anonymous
writes: hi guys I need some help here. I know that most of you are going to judge me and call me names but I'm ready for it. I am 23/24 and I've been married for 2 1/2 years. I have no kids. 2 years ago me and husband moved to another country were I had no friends and family. I felt very lonely especially when my husband used to go to work and come back late, but I was ready to sacrifice that for us to move on. Last September I found out that he has kept a big secret away from me. He has a 4 year old child who lives in this same country but quite far from where we are. He wasn't the one who told me, I got to know from a friend. But when I confronted him, he told me everything and that he went to see the child one day to do dna test( as he still believes the child is not his) but the mother refused to let him do the test. He said that he never cheated on me, and that the child was born the same time when we started dating. He's got the child's pictures which he used to say that it's his cousin's son before I got to know the truth. This issue wear me off, but when I forgave him it made us stronger. He said that he has nothing to do with his mother, but I kept on seeing calls to their house on the telephone bill. when asked, he used to tell me that he wanted to check on him. I never said anything more and I used to force him that he should go and see the child frequently and be part of his life, but he never went again. Last january, I was going through his photos, and I found that he went to their house a 2nd time and even slept there. I confronted him again, and he said that this has happened before I came to this country (as I came one month after him) and even before that day i knew about. I was so angry, and couldn't trust him again...till now. I don't know how can he keeps secrets away from me. Nowadays, I'm always expecting to hear something new but he say that he has changed and I'm suppose to see the new him.So after than, I told him clearly that things cannot be the same again. I started going out and meeting people instead of staying in the house waiting for him to come back from work. I met other guys and i even had an affair with one of them and that made me feel better, both because i felt i'm regaining my self esteem and even because i found in this guy a true friend. Unfortunately, the guy is married and has a daughter and him too has serious problems with the wife. With him i feel connected like never before. I enjoy the times i have with him, he's very open to me and i know that i mean a lot to him too. sometimes i'll be thinking maybe i don't love my husband since i'm cheating on him, but i don't believe that. i feel as if i don't feel anything for him, but when it comes to me to tell him to end this marriage, i can't do it....it looks so strange to me. with this other guy I feel so close. It's not a sexual relationship at all...sometimes we just stay on the sofa looking at each other and that makes my day.I don't know where i belong anymore, it looks as if i'm living a double life...double feelings.i know most of you are going to call me names because i'm seeing a married man...but whenever i see him to end this....my heart feels as if its connecting to his. both men want more from me....but it looks like i cannot go forward with any one of themplease try and give me some advice on what should I do with both men....as you can see i'm so confusedddddddddddddddd.....Thanks
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affair, cheated on me, cousin, married man, move on, self esteem Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (15 May 2006):
 This whole situation stinks. If you don't trust your husband leave him. Give him sometime to see what it is that he is losing and trust me he will fold like a lawn chair. Marriage is a serious institution and should not be taken lightly. Now, cheating with this married man is wrong on every level and I know you have these amazing feeling and you feel such a great connection with this man but is that connection due to the fact that he is a release valve for the pressure you feel in your current relationship or is he doing everything that your husband isn't ANYMORE? The thing is you make yourself look no better than your husband, and trust me he's reaping what he sowed and so shall you and your new beau. No one is beyond reckoning. You have cheated yourself along with your husband, this other man and his wife. I'm not judging just very opinionated. I hope this helps. Good Luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi people, Thanks so much for your advice. I'm so happy that i got 3 replies because last week I sent this question and only one person replied. Being in the situation I'm in I need at least 2 to get different views.I must say that you people made me realise that I should act fast on this situation. In fact, I am thinking of asking my husband for a break and I to renting my own accomodation. He knows that I'm not happy with the ways things are going, so I hope he will understand.Yesterday, I spent a whole day with the other guy and he's confused too as his wife wants to move out of the house with his child. He even told me that he is not sure if I love him or not and that hurted me a bit.Well, I'm going to try and stay far from both of them, and see who really has my heart.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2006): someones going to end up getting hurt here. seriously. and its not going to be pretty. you're looking for trouble. sure you may feel lonely because your husbands not home and he's being untrustworthy with everything thats going on, and you want some affection and attentions so badly, but being married and cheating on your husband with a married man isnt good at all. if you feel or know that your husband isnt telling you the truth about stuff, you should leave him. leave the married man that you're with also. his wife is going to come after you when she finds out. if you love yourself get out of this situation. its unhealthy. i hope this helps.
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female
reader, bonym  +, writes (13 May 2006):
 My friend I have absolutely no intention of judging you, I am not God, so what right havd I got to condemn you. But my dear, listen to me, you have pretty much provided the solution to your own problem where you state: but it looks like i cannot go forward with any one of them
And so thats it, maybe you need to distance yourself from both for a while because while you are with your husband you will desire the other man and vice versa. I would suggest some marriage guidance because a marriage is of course not something you can just walk out on, but you do need to break away from the two of them for a time to get a clear view of what and who you want. Best of luck. xXx
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2006): *choosing
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2006): By law u can only be w/one obviously, so you can only pick one. Pretty obvious of course. I know the coosing part is the difficult part. However let's take ethics into question here and allow me say that u should leave ur husband, since u cheated on him.
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