A
female
age
41-50,
*illow73
writes:i’m not sure what to about this situation anymore. it’s been a year since I found out about my partner of 5 yrs having fetish DVDs made for him. it all started with me finding him looking at porn 3yrs ago then 4mths later I found that he had been emailing adult stars to make fetish dvds for him. i was devastated as I felt that there must be something wrong with our relationship and that I wasn’t good enough for him in that department even though I used to do the things that he liked fetish wise. it was last year that the biggest shock come. after he promised me that he would not do that again I saw an email address that I didn’t know he had and I found that he had never stopped emailing adult models and had 2 nearly 3 fetish dvds made over the 2 yr period and had spent money on other things for fetish shoots which were done locally. in total he must have spent £2000 if not more on this. also I found that he had signed up to adult friend finder and the things he wrote about himself and what he was looking for made me sick at this time I was 4 mths pregnant expecting our first child. as you can imagine I was more than devastated. i don’t know what hurt more the lies, the money he had spent, the emails he sent or the fact that he had signed on to a site to find other women which he said was just a moment of madness as he fought we were over. like I said it’s been about year now and I still can’t get over this. i don’t trust my partner any more I don’t feel as close to him like I used to and am very paranoid now where as before I felt secure in our relationship. i find it hard to move on from this and was wondering if anyone had any advice that may help me try and put things into perspective.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2007): There is really no comforting you over this. If you like the same thing there would be no problem, but it is very obvious that you don't and my heart goes out to you. He has lied and betrayed you. Because you dont like it and he has lied there is no way of putting it in perspective. No kind of sugar to help the medicine go down I am afraid. If you are forced or groomed to accept it, it would just be abuse.
This is the era of me, me me, I can't help the way I am. But, it should not be so important that it is not possible to consider others feelings. Especially as a pregant Mum to be, I wish that you could feel as important as you are.
Some people will tell you this is what men are like, but you don't have to accept anything that you are uncomfortable with. There is a trick being played on women at the moment I think, which is to make them feel unreasonable to be uncomfortable with the excessive porn obsession that is growing in our time.
Plus, contrary to popular ideas I know plenty of men who don't apparently do much with porn. I would expect that they probably make the odd forage, which is fine, but their partners don't consider it an issue. I think that forcing us to accept it is the mistake, most of us can just about live with a hint of it provided it is vaguely somewhere away on the far horizon. Not to the extent that you are coping with it though, it seems like an uncontrollable impulse which has become more important to him than you are. You must not make the mistake of taking it personally, it is his problem and whoever he was with would have the same issue with him.
In most households porn-stuff etc used to consist of the odd magazine or film, but now bucketloads are instantly available on line. Avalanches of just about every imagineable thing and if people aren't well balanced or don't have the self-discipline to keep using it in check, like all excesses it gets paid for with a shortfall elsewhere.
This generation is the one that has had the sudden influx of porn everywhere, it is relatively new so it is not possible to say where it will lead. Your partner may think it is fine, which it is to an extent, but how much is normal? This is a new generation of young men and women, women often see this excess as a potential threat to normal partnerships and relationships - which it is at the degree that you are experiencing. It is not the fact that men like porn that is the problem, it is the extent of it and the lack of consideration.
Most people do agree though about the phenomenon of cause and effect. East too much and you will get fat, drink too much and you will get ill, porn too much and you will not be able to enjoy sex without it. To some people that is fine, it is obvious that to you it is not.
If it really bothers you, get out. There is nothing so attractive as a person with passion and imagination, who is considerate and you would find such a person. I don't mean a man who never looks at porn or fetish stuff, just not one who needs it and will lie and cheat to get it. That is addiction and it will destroy your relationship if it goes on - and I don't think you will stop him even if you want to.
I am so sorry, I think if you stayed with him you would have to accept an awful lot and nobody should tell you to do that.
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