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female
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*et3815
writes: I need help. I have had a relationship with a man for 2-3 months now from out of town. He insists on complete honesty and never contacting any other men while being in a relationship with him. He has a snifer and watches closely. Well he caught me talking to some guy and forgave me the first time. But now he says I continue to talk to others and he wants no part of me and does not trust me. I love him only but can't seem to make any headway to get him back. What should I do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2005): As hard as it is-cut him loose. There are major trust and control issues going on here and this doesn't sound like a relationship you should remain in or your life will get progressively worse. You need to talk to this guy and tell him if he wants this relationship he will have to decide either to trust you, no questions asked, no checking up, etc, or let you go. A relationship has no chance of surviving constant suspicion and scrutiny. If you have a past of dating a lot of men, you cannot change the past. He accepts you as is..you have nothing to be ashamed of. We all have choices; his is to decide to trust you or not. I think talking to other people (men and women) is perfectly within your right. I think you can build a wonderful relationship if you can both decide that your life will now become an open book and you trust each other. I worry about the fact, that he has lost his cool because you have spoken with another man. It's OK to get a little jealous sometimes - jealousy is a natural emotion. But how a person reacts when he or she feels jealous is what matters. He is behaving like a "control freak"..always wanting to know whom you talk to. There's no way you can have a healthy relationship if you don't trust each other.
He is right to ask for complete honesty, though. Honesty is crucial, as well. This one goes hand in hand with trust. A relationship is unhealthy when it involves mean, disrespectful, controlling & jealous behavior. Qualities like kindness and respect are an absolute requirement for a healthy relationship. His checking up on you while he's away is very controlling and it's not healthy to stay in a relationship that involves abusive behavior of any kind. If your partner is trying to control you, by isolating you from talking to your friends-this is a big warning sign-he may harm you physically next because he looses his cool over minorissues. What's going to happen when a bigger problem crops up...and they do in every relationship, down the road. It's time to get out, fast. Let a trusted adult know what's going on, and make sure you're safe from this person. It can be tempting to make excuses or misinterpret violence as an expression of love. But even if you know that the person hurting you loves you, it is not healthy. No one deserves to be treated in such a way. When you love someone, you have to do everything in your power to insure that they are secure with your love. He's a taker, a controller and a possible abuser. Take heed and be careful, my dear. His jealousy, his checking up on you...are huge, bright RED Flags!
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