A
female
age
30-35,
*ityGirlSmallTown
writes:I moved from the city to a very small town on the other side of the country. I know no one from this town and I find adjusting to "small" town harder then I thought. I've been here for three months and I have heard more stories about "me" then I every thought possible. Tonight I went to a town Halloween party with my daughter and everyone was talking about us! Even finding a job is harder when I every excepted because it seems like everyone is related and just looks out for each other. I know I should have thought this move put a little better but I don't have any close family and I wanted away from my abusive bf/ fathers daughter. I decide a small town would be great to raise her in. So I researched some small towns, I looked for things like low crime rate, good schools and found a beautiful town. It reminds me of something out of a movie but I didn't think about the job factor. I didn't go to university so I figured I would find a job in retail or waitressing and in my older city they were more then easy to find. Anyone have any tips on how to make it in a small town? Moving isn't an option.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2017): smalls towns are not easy to settle into, especially if you are a city girl its a big change to your life style as well as your daughters. You will find that in most small towns families are born and raised and tend to not really fly far from the nest. I grew up in London and my mother moved me back to her small home town in Ireland when I was 8. I found it very difficult to adjust to. I came from a school full of diversity and culture and when I came to this small town I was placed into an all girls school run by nuns, the first black person I seen in this town was 7 years later who was an exchange student. Again I probably experienced something similar to what you are going through now which I guess can be perceived as a lack of acceptance.I am grateful looking back now for many reasons. a) the people I grew up with in London for the majority are not people I would wish to associate or be like now. I am proud of who I became and I believe a lot of that is down to my mother bringing me here even though I fought it tooth and nail as a kid.b) I=if I had never experienced a city like London growing up and been taken away from it I possibly never would have had the drive to revisit cities and realise that being in a city is where I see myself. think about the long term goal. don't worry about the small things like a job and so, I know these are important but think of how this will work out for you both in the long run. wishing you the best of luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2017): Some people can be judgemental about single mothers - I know because I am one - so you may find that you will be talked about even more than 'small town' folks usually talk about one another and you may also find that people are suspicious. When I was a lot younger, I even found that some of the married mums excluded me in case I was after their husbands - which is hilarious in retrospect, but was really confusing at the time. As you're still young, maybe bear that in mind.I don't know how you afforded to move to this lovely town without a job but I am assuming you don't have much spare cash left over and that's why you want to work. I'd say maybe try to kill two birds with one stone and do voluntary work in at least one place - maybe even in one of the schools? That way, you get some valuable work experience and you establish trust amongst the people you work with, and their word of mouth will spread through the community. Doing voluntary work in the school would also help you to make slightly better contact with the other parents, rather than just anonymously attending town events and so on.Above all, I'd say be ultra consistent in your approach to people - show a consistent, trustworthy character. Never say anything bad about anyone else and definitely not behind their back. Your child will provide a key link to forging relationships with new people and it will be harder because they will definitely be more closely knit, but show that you are there to stay and you are a nice person and willing to give and not just take and you should put in place the basics for good friendships and a job. Maybe a further thing to bear in mind is that small town mums can be very gossipy about standards of living - so you can expect to be assessed on your housekeeping standards and your daughter's and your own clothing and appearance and so on. Definitely do not make the mistake of starting any relationships with men that they may think are inappropriate - and be careful who you tell about your abusive ex-partner; it's not fair, I know, but single Mum's tend to get associated as 'low life' and as attracting degenerates - show you've learned from your experience and aren't in a hurry to get a man but that you would like someone decent. Having said all of that though, I also think don't let people walk all over you in your attempt to fit in - it can be hard getting the balance right.I remember when I moved to a new area and I was so used to inviting my daughter's friends home for tea after school that I suggested my daughter invite her new friend home after school one day. I had no idea why, after several invitations, there was just no response, and my daughter was quite confused too. In the end I approached the girl's mother directly and she and her partner said "no offence but we don't know you" - they said it nicely, but still didn't change their mind and kept me at a distance - and I realised that they were suspicious of me inviting their daughter back to my house in case I had bad intentions! I was so upset and offended, as it seemed so unfriendly and suspicious. In the end I moved to a different area altogether though, as I found that place too unfriendly and I realised people were already so suspicious and untrusting of one another that they'd only ever see me in their light, not mine.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 October 2017):
 It can be hard to fit in anywhere but small towns are harder because most people already know each other. Just be friendly and approachable. Ask people questions and make an effort to get to know them. Ask people about the town and the history off it.
It might take a while to land a job but keep trying, don't give up. Keep asking around and trying to be friendly. Talk to other mothers when you drop your daughter at school to see if any off them need child care. I do wonder though do you have childcare facilities if you do get a job?
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse  +, writes (27 October 2017):
Well you have recognised the failure of planning, now how to make good! Firstly, you deserve praise for taking control of your life and making a bold move. You made a tough choice to escape a difficult situation as you should be proud of your bravery. I think your analysis of small town life is accurate- When I moved to small town NZ from London many years ago, I was mortified to know how much everyone knew about me, I only had to go to the coffee shop and the lady behind the counter knew everything! There is none of the anonymity of city life. However, this is very rarely malicious gossip, just a general interest in the new people in town- remember not a lot happens! You should use this to your advantage- make connections as quickly as possible, ingratiate yourself into many social circles by offering to help with everything, church, if that's your thing, charity collections, bake sales. You must ignore your city instincts to hide yourself away and fly under the radar, always be willing to have a conversation- you might even be willing to open up about needing to escape a difficult domestic situation- you don't have to go into details- but this vulnerability and openness will help people to trust a mum who is doing what's right for her and her daughter. Small town living is the sacrifice of a portion of your privacy for a place in a community. I think that is what you think you were looking for and what you and your daughter need, so get cracking- good luck!
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