A
female
age
36-40,
*shkk2
writes:so my relationship with my fiance is indescribable...we havent had any intimate relations since my daughter was born (shes 15months now)and frankly there isnt any effort being made on his or my part...to be brutally honest and i know im going 2 sound like such a jerk but i have no sexual desire 4 him at the moment...he has gained 100 pounds and has become very negative about everything...i love him very muuch but how i tell him im flat out not attracted to him with his new attitude and all the weight gain....i cant just come out and say hey your new body turns me off that would hurt him...dunno what 2 do
View related questions:
fiance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2011): you should be honest and tell him that you're no longer attracted to him because it's the truth. He already knows that being so obese is a risk to his own health so if that's all you focus on, you won't be telling him anything he doesn't already know. So you should tell him how it affects you psychologically and emotionally.say something like, "I have a hard time maintaining my previous level of physical attraction, because of your weight. I have been trying, but I just can't be arosed as I used to even though I want to, and physical attraction is not something that you can force if it's not there. I value our relationship and want to maintain our intimacy but it takes both of us to do it, so I'm asking you to lose weight to help me become attracted to you again"...if he gets too upset or unwilling to cooperate, or if he says you're the one with the problem not him, or if he says you have some dysfunction cos you "should" be physically attracted to him if you love him, then ask him if he would agree to go to couples counseling, framing this as a 'relationship intimacy' issue and not as his obesity issue.because if this is the case, then it really is a significant relationship issue because he is unwilling to hear you out or has some mental block against respecting your right to feel the way you do and his role in it.I'm sure a couples counselor will validate your feelings - because they're there! - and find a better way to explain or encourage him. If your fiance knows - from hearing it from someone who counsels couples for a living - that the truth is that severe weight gain in one partner can and often does lead to turn off in the other and that it's NORMAL and common, he may then be more willing to cooperate.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (24 April 2011):
first try to be encouraging of your husband to lose weight because it's unhealthy and actually very dangerous to be so obsese. For now, try to avoid being critical and try to be only supportive and encouraging. And be patient, losing weight can be very difficult and a daunting task. You want to be supportive and encouraging but not coddling, or placing too much emphasis to make him feel self-conscious. so that's a good place to start.
HOWEVER, I have a feeling that this alone may not result in weight loss. as the female anon below already said, gaining 100 pounds is extreme, it's not like gaining a few pounds because you've been busy with life in general. it could be a sign of very deep emotional problems and overeating could be a coping mechanism. Your husband could actually be in need of help which goes beyond you. (not trying to be alarmist, just raising the possibility to keep in mind)
This is all the more likely if he's also become very negative. A serious and unresolved emotional issue could lead one to destructive coping mechanisms like alcoholism, drug use, or even overeating. This can be a learned behavior (like if his family is also obese because they too turned to food for comfort) In the case of overeating, the resulting obesity and body image problems can further feed negative self esteem and vice versa so it's a vicious cycle.
He didn't gain 100 pounds in one day. There was a point when he was only 20 pounds overweight, then it became 50 pounds overweight, then it became 75 pounds etc. I'm guessing that if he did not lose weight at those intermediate times, there's probably some deep seated and underlying emotional or psychological issue that prevented him from doing so, because I imagine he would have lost weight by now if he "could"..rather than letting it get so out of control like right now.
If that's the case, merely encouraging him to lose weight for the sake of his health might be akin asking someone who's suicidal to just think happy thoughts (i.e. superficial).
If this is the case, simply encouraging him to a healthier lifestyle may not work, it may be next to impossible for him to do it and it may be treating the symptom not the cause. But this is certainly the best first step to take and maybe it will work if the problem isn't as serious as I'm worried it may be.
but if you see no improvement after say, several months, or no effort from him, then at some point you do need to tell him the truth which is that this weight issue goes beyond himself and is actually a serious relationship issue. He needs to know how much this is impacting you and the relationship, as your husband you owe him honesty. He's an adult, he should be told the truth even though it can be hurtful, because how else can a problem be dealt with unless it's acknoweledged. If his weight issue is a result of a more serious emotional problem, then sugar coating problems or hiding them and hoping the problem goes away by itself, likely won't work.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): I agree with Cerberus and Bernard. If you approach him, frame it as a health issue. No one gains 100lbs and doesn't feel badly about it. He might not be interested in sex because he doesn't feel confident and he's very aware that it's a disappointment to you. Tell him you're worried about his health, his well-being, and his attitude...I wouldn't mention that you're not attracted to him...be supportive.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011): You need to address this now because this problem isn't going to go away by itself. Being avoidant of the real issue isn't going to do him any or you or your marriage any good because this problem probably won't go away by itself. It will just get worse and worse over time. He will sense , if he hasn't already, how unattracted you are to him and if his self esteem is already bad (and I'm guessing it is since people don't just gain 100 pounds for no reason, unless it's purely a medical reason) it will crush him even more and then you will loathe him even more. No you are NOT being shallow, don't feel guilty. We are human, and sexual desire is a biological need but desire and attraction are different for everyone. YOu don't fall in love with, feel attracted to, or have sexual desire for just any person, right? Only some people, in this case in the beginning only your husband. Yet now he IS a totally different person from the one you knew and married. You are not shallow, don't let anyone guilt you into that. Heck, people I know get on their partner's case for gaining, 10, 20 pounds! But an additional 100 pounds is EXTREME. Clearly something's going on in his mind that's different and that led to this extreme weight gain. He really is a different person from who you knew before - both physically and mentally. He's become someone that if you were strangers and met for the first time today, you wouldn't even conisder going out with him let alone marrying him.Don't think that you're shallow and odn't let anyone else tell you thatPeople who would call you shallow, have THEIR partners gained 100 pounds since they first got together?? gaining 5 pounds, 10 pounds, is 'normal' if you're busy and stressed out with life. gaining 100 pounds is NOT a normal reaction to every day life. Something else is going on in his life, some other issues and HE needs to address them, he needs to take responsibility because he is part of this marriage and his unresolved issues are hurting the relationship. It's unfair to expect you, the spouse, to accept whatever he's not willing to resolve within himself. I mean, you can remain faithful to the marriage by simply staying married and not seeing other people on the side. But you can't make yourself feel sexual desire or emotional desire for him and that's not your duty if he's not doing his part or he's changed in a negative way into someone you don't find attractive. And if you force yourself to be intimate with him despite feeling zero sexual and emotional desire for him, how is this good for the relationship? This comprises your own dignity. Other than fueling this unhealthy dynamic where he continues to avoid dealing with his issues cos he's still getting some sexual relief that can tie him over day to day, while you continue to deepen your hatred of being intimate with him. Eventualy you won't be able todo it anymore then he'll fall apart cos he's become so reliant on the marriage to prop him up (he may by then have gained another 100 pounds, who knows).From the practical side, if you want to prevent your marriage going further downhill, you MUST address this issue with him and confront it head on now. because it won't go away by itself, it will only snowball and hurt after hurt, rejection after rejection, will pile up onto each other having an eroding effect on the way you feel to him and relate to each other.You must be honest with him that you find him unattractive, both his body and his attitude are unattractive to you because he's become a different person and in a negative way. Since you're are married you at least owe him honesty and the truth. Hiding the truth from him of how you're really feeling, because you fear being accused as shallow, does no good at all. Nothing will change and on top of the worsening relationship you will be carrying around the guilt and the constant unease of not being authentic to yourself, and this may affect other parts of your marriage that at the moment still seem OK. Your may really lose respect for him as your unattraction deepends, and you may really resent him, and he may then resent you for rejecting him and this is just gonna be all around bad and infect everything else in the relationship.Your husband is probably got personal issues (I bet self esteem issues is one of them) that he's dealing with. People don't just gain 100 pounds for no reason because that's a HUGE amount of weight, it can be 50% of someone's initial weight!! this isn't a normal weight gain that can be attributed to a busy lifestyle and having less time to exercise or eat right. Unless he's got a medical condition (and he might, so he must get checked out for that) gaining an additional extreme amount of weightI know your pain personally because I am experiencing the same. I've always had a healthy and fit lifestyle and so did my husband when we first met, that's one thing we had in common, which was a common healthy lifestyle. Then after we got married he gained 85 pounds and yeah also was very negative about life. I kept encouraging him to excercise again but I never told him that I found him unattractive cos I didn't want to hurt his feelings and I felt guilty for feeling that way (the whole "shallow" thing), I simply kept encouraging him cos it's for his own health. But he woudl alwasy start but never keep up with exercise and heating healthy and losing weight. he would lost a bit then gain it all back and then some. Every year or every other year it would be the same scenario, and every year I lost more and more respect for him, I became more and more frustrated and disappointed in my marriage and still I kept my mouth shut cos of fear of being seen as shallow and painted the bad guy for the relationship problems. I told myself that probably he has a medical condition, I researched some medical issues that could cause weight gain, and urged him to get checked out by numerous doctors and none of them found any medical cause for his massive weight gain.For years I suffered through waning desire for him and my lack of desire for him made him an even more negative person which further turned me off to him - for the next 7 years I avoided sex with him whenever I could cos it was getting more and more disgusting. I forced myself to have sex with him when he pestered me for it because if I no he would get extremely upset at me and become scary, other times he would actually force sex on me (for which I hated him even more). This made things really really bad between us. finally after about 10 years of marriage I couldn't take it. I found I was married to someone I loathed, someone I not only felt zero connection to and disgusting, but who I "hated" cos he would force sex on me (and I found it disgusting even then too) and I had no choice but to take it cos "we're married." Finally after many many years I told him the truth of how unattractive I found him, and how much I hated that he kept forcing sex on me (which he blame me for saying he had no choice but to force me since I wouldn't have sex with him of my own accord). I was ready to divorce, but he completely freaked out so I said then we need to go to marriage counseling and he was diagnosed with depression and rooting out his lifelong personal issues which he always refused to address and buried it under food to run away from, and then using me (for sex) as a substitute to ease his pain but without regard for the marriage. things are still not great between us but at least they're different. my fault is I waited too many years to be honest about how disgusting I found his weight gain for fear of being the bad guy , instead I let things get worse and compound other problems or create new rifts in the relationship until I was ready to divorce. so I hope you will not make my mistake. if you confront the weight issue with your husband now and things get really bad between you, realize they would have gotten that bad or far worse anyway even if you kept quiet instead it would be dragged out over many more years so you would be wasting more years of your life.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011): You don't tell him that. OP he's not a fool, he knows he's gained weight, he knows it's made his life a lot worse and he knows he has to change it and do something about it.
Find a way for him to exercise and push him to start doing that. Don't tell him you're not sexually attracted to him anymore because of it but do tell him that you're not happy with the way he's treating his body, that mentally he's very down all the time too because of it and you want him to change that because you want to see him happy. Tell him you feel you're losing the man you loved because he just continues to get less and less healthy and more and more unhappy. That there will come a day when it will completely incapacitate him unless he changes his lifestyle and gets fit and healthy again. OP tell him you're worried about the future, tell him the road he's taking is long hard negative one and he needs to step up and put a stop to it.
...............................
|
