| A ,
anonymous
writes: I was in a very bad relationship before that was full of abuse and insults and now I have met a lovely man. I am living with him now and it has been very fast because of my previous situation, we didn't have much choice but to live together. This was 'against his better judgement' he said as he had a woman living with him before who he had to throw out because she caused him endless trouble and grief. I suffer from acute anxiety and agoraphobia and recognise I have low self esteem. My boyfriend is very outgoing and works very long hours so I spend a lot of time on my own feeling quite lonely and isolated. I have tried to tell him that he works too much but he says that everyone should work the way he does and that it is quite normal (he may start at 9am and not finish until 9pm or later depending). He has his own business and says he has to pay the bills. I have only just moved in with him and as I don't go out much it makes it even harder for me. He is very understanding and loving but when I do try to say what I feel about his working he thinks I am simply kicking off and often it does end in a row. He says that as we don't have much time together, it is wrong for me to have a go at him. He said he does love me otherwise he would've thrown me out. This makes me feel insecure and worried and he does have high standards in other aspects of life. Sometimes I find him almost intimidating and he kind of overwhelms me. I feel self conscious too but I so want him to want me and he is such a lovely guy, I love him very much.How can I feel better about myself and the situation???
View related questions:
insecure, moved in, self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2007): what ever
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (22 January 2005):
 Hi there dear,To correct the situation, you need to look at the details of how it came about.First of all, contratulations for escaping your previous, abusive relationship. I'm glad that you found somewhere that feels safe. You sound smart and well-educated, so you probably already know that being with an abuser quickly erodes any self-esteem you might have, meaning that you're especially vulnerable. That also means that at precisely the time it's hardest to do, you need to make strong and sensible descisions, to protect yourself. I preface my advice this way because I don't know if you can really save this relationship.I'm concerned that the speed at which your relationship with your b/f progressed may have taken you straight from the frying pan into the fire. The details that you give about him and about yourself demonstrate that you are very different types of people. You say that he's outgoing and a workaholic. You're insecure, have low self-esteem and agoraphobia. Between his work hours and your emotional pain, you barely have any time as a couple, so I can't help but wonder what it was that brought you two together. Did your b/f "rescue" you from your previous relationship and ask you to move in soon afterward? If so, he may have felt that he was "protecting" you from your abuser (and he may well have been doing just that) but in doing so, he may not have foreseen that living with someone who is so fundamentally different from himself requires a massive adjustment.Your suggesting that he work fewer hours so he can see you more often may feel to him like ingratitude, since he, like everyone, does have bills to pay, and being self-employed he doesn't make money if he doesn't put in the effort. From his perspective, he doesn't work too hard, if he doesn't feel he does. And it's therefore pretty plain that work outranks his relationship with you. Lots of men are like that, unfortunately, as they derive their sense of worth from their work. Try not to take that personally, because it's never about you.That needn't be a source of worry for you. But it does appear to be a part of his personality that you would have to get used to, if you want to proceed with this throwing-together-of-two-people and try to make it a real and balanced relationship.My suggestion is this: move out. You can remain a couple if that suits you both, but your wounds are too raw and his personality is too strong for the two of you to succeed if you continue to make your home with him. The real problem that you're dealing with is that the enforced closeness between your b/f and you is causing a rift, because each of you needs to live a different way to be happy. His brusqueness and thoughtless comments are proof of the strain he's under trying to live his life and let you live yours under the same roof. Staying in this man's house is going to drive a wedge between you in the long run.You need to get out and be on your own for a while. Do you have any family or a girlfriend that you could rent from for a while? Maybe you could share part of a house. The point is, the longer you stay under your b/f's roof the sooner you'll find your stress levels rise.Once you have a chance to learn to take care of yourself you'll feel much stronger, I promise. And when you feel stronger, you'll be in a much better frame of mind about yourself and what you want out of a relationship. (Make sure it's a supportive one!)Take care, and I hope this helps a bit.
...............................
|
