A
female
age
41-50,
*liceK
writes:Hi. I'm separated five years from a man who is both extremely controlling and manipulative. He was mentally abusive throughout, to the extreme that he would hide things on me. We have three gorgeous kids and I've always said he could see them when he wants, because I didn't want them to miss out. However when he calls after work every evening he spends most of that time offloading onto me about his day and work and telling me about his family. He doesn't go anywhere or do anything with the kids when they stay, but sit and read a book. I try to make sure I'm upstairs when he calls now, but I'm going out tomorrow night and the fact he tried to find out from my daughter where I'm going makes me want to scream!!! He refused to remove his wedding ring, telling my daughter that he is still married. My daughter said, when I sighed loudly, don't worry, mum he'll find out from the child minder. He refused to travel any further away and lives only up my village. He went on my laptop to "book flights" and also went through my history. I am wary of going berserk with him which I'd sorely LOVE to do because he's a loner who drinks heavily at night and part of me feels I have to swap owning my life to ensure my kid's safety when they stay with him, only during the day. But I can't have a life, or a relationship and am constantly on edge. I envy women who's exs have moved on because this is a living nightmare. Everytime he calls he just stands and stares at me with big eyes. I wish he would just go away. Any advice would be appreciated before I go over the abyss!
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female
reader, AliceK +, writes (15 March 2011):
AliceK is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys. I agree with both of you. The reason I haven't is quite simply because I am scared to. He has a complicated disturbed background which I was unaware of for years. He covered it up with lies. I find I am incredibly wary and afraid of upsetting him (believe me I know this sounds insane to you). The way he reacts to situations is bizarre and my gut instinct is to protect the kids. I am currently back in college which I am financing myself so money is an issue too. I intend on seeking legal aid when the exams are over this year and going forward with divorce proceedings. I have no solid proof that he cannot see his children so I cannot remove them. I would love if it genuinely were the children he cared for but he shows them no affection or does anything with them. This has helped though and thanks for your feedback. A different opinion gives fresh perspective so roll on end of exams :)
A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (12 March 2011):
 It sounds like your ex still has feelings for you. It also sounds like he wants to try and keep on the facade of having a family, even though you aren't one.
It's been five years since you've been separated, why haven't you officially been divorced yet? Perhaps he has taken the elongated separation as a sign that you are still interested in him.
Perhaps you need to start dating or seeing another man to show that you've moved on. Also, i agree with the other answerer: stop allowing him into your home.
Finally, be thankful for what you do have: a guy who does want to be involved with his kids. Things could certainly be worse.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): You're part of the problem. STOP taking his calls, stop letting him in your home, stop letting him have access to you, your belonging and your computer.STOP STOP STOP!!!Draw a line and stay on your side... stop enabling him!!!
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