A
female
age
30-35,
*ovehel
writes:We have been going out 6 years on and off. We are students (23) He started working a few weeks ago, he has been acting strange ever since. He didn't reply to my msg for 3 days, I heard from him the day after this saying how much he loves me etc...he sent me a msg saying he will take me out later...I was excited. It ended up he had nothing planned and took me out at 11 30 pm at night, I did not look impressed, when he picked me up. I asked him what he was doing for the 3 days he disappeared when he didn't even say goodnight to me. He told me to stop b*tching, and said he spent it with friends, doing this and that. I felt he didn't care about me and wanted to be reassured. Instead he gave out to me and said I was ruining the night. That he just wanted to have a good time. He told me we weren't married and to get over it. He told me he should have brought his friend so I wouldn't bring this up. I wanted an answer he ended up telling me to go make some friends. We ended up doing nothing and called it a night. We didn't speak for 15 mins, as he was 2 mins from my home he said this isn't working out anymore and stopped outside my door. I broke down once I got inside home.It has been 5 days, he hasn't contacted me since. He still has the photo of us together as his profile pic on his fbook which he goes on everyday. Does that mean anything, or am I reading into it? I am so confused how things ended so abruptly. I feel like an idiot cause I know deep down I deserve better but I still love him and feel half of me is missing so I need some perspective. Thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2016): I'm really sorry, sweetheart. It is likely he has been contemplating a breakup for sometime. He just needed to create a situation where he can blame it on you. It's a cowardly method of breaking-up. The objective is to make you feel that it's all your fault. If you didn't bitch so much; this never would have happened.
Now, let's view some other details. There's two-sides to every story, and we should be fair and give him benefit of the doubt. It is likely he did go out with friends. He was probably fretting the whole time; worried he'd upset you, by being out late without you. His buddies, as buddies often do, reminded him of how whipped he is. No longer as much fun as he used to be when he was single; and always overly concerned, because of your nagging and whining. This is how they influence his thinking to allow himself to have some fun. He then starts to see some reasoning in what they say as the drinking continues. He resolves himself to have some fun; and suddenly he realizes how much he misses the freedom to be out with the guys, just having a good time.
Okay, now he goes through his "rebellious boyfriend" stage. Everything you say and do annoys him. They've probably told him he jumps when you say jump, he's a wuss, you wear the pants, and he's a breast-fed wimp. They're otherwise free to do whatever they like, and flirt with all the pretties; and no woman tells them what to do. Only because they don't have one, or they if they do; they're flat-out lying and in as much trouble as he is.
If your picture is still up, it's because he has been too overwhelmed with the freedom he has forgotten to take it down. He's like a fenced-in dog, when the gate is left open.
He needed some relief from being in a relationship.
Now, back on your side. Are you always inquiring on his whereabouts? Texting him all hours of the day to keep track of his movements? Instead of a loving and happy greeting; folded arms, a scowly-face, and pursed-lips? Lots of arguments about this and that? He's always screwing up and you're always feeling neglected? This gets quite tiring on a young man's mind. He feels trapped by it, and he will revolt. He will do anything to start a fight, just to getaway from you. He has friends, and why don't you?
You both have to have some breathing room. He has been too seriously committed too long; and he's reached that point that he has jumped the fence. Back-off. Ignore him. Take advantage of the peace and quiet. Focus on yourself. Decide what you plan to do, if he comes crawling back. He will miss you, but don't allow him to use you just for sex. If he doesn't get lucky during his new freedom; they come crawling home, but not to stay. Just for sex.
If he has met someone, that's another story. If the picture is still up; maybe meeting someone is probably not the case. If it is, he's going to see if it works out or not. It's going to be fun, because it's new. She is going to do everything she can to prove she's better than you; so he'll choose not to come home. If you find out there is another female. Dump him, no matter how much it hurts. Do not take him back, preserve your dignity. You deserve better than to be dumped that way. You've got to have some power in this situation. Save your crying and emotional outbursts for private moments. Show him nothing but your strength as a woman. Don't put all your feelings in his hands.
Your bases are now covered. Prepare for the worst case scenario. Make up your own mind what you feel is best for you at this point. Yes, he will have regrets. Just realize he has had a head-start about breaking-up; and his mind is probably pretty much made up to leave you. Be a big girl, and handle it like a woman.
If he's ready to move on. You have little choice but to let him. He'll continue picking fights until you're angry enough to give-up and let go.
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (25 June 2016):
 Don't read into something that isn't there. Now is the time for you to focus on finding yourself apart from your couple status. Just because it hurts being apart from him doesn't mean that you should be with him.
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A
female
reader, miss frank  +, writes (25 June 2016):
To read you were together for such a chunk of your time- nearly all your adult life - plus that its six years, this mist be so, so hard for you. I'm really sorry for you and how you must be feeling.It I immensely difficult when a relationship ends, and even more so when it is a fairly long one and would be your only relationship thus far in your life. For him to treat the end of your relationship this way, and to end it as he has will be crushing for you. Ita interesting some of the context of you message. You describe on/off, and knowing you deserve better. I'm wondering how the relationship was generally. Did he treat you badly? Was there a lot of arguing? Is this break up different? I wonder if you should spend a bit of time thinking about the aspects of the relationship that were less than you deserved, that were making you unhappy and miserable, that consumed you in spirals of rumination and negative thought, where your life felt on hold due to major fall out or your relationship being 'off' again. When someone has been part of your life for so long, and especially at your age as he was part of your life for pretty much all your adult life- it feels almost impossible to be without them. It wont always feel this way though. Trust me and others on here who have been there.... You might be amazed at how quickly you start to feel less awful than you do right now.I always suggest a game plan.It starts today.Get through this week, and have one month as your goal of where you are at now to how you will be then.You need to distract yourself,and live the experience of not having him in your life. Start with the idea of one month no contact. You aren't promising yourself for ever...just one month. That is totally achievable. Make yourself a list of things you are going to do for yourself in this time.Plan rules - like I wont look at his facebook (if this is too hard to start with, make a deal of looking once a day and no more, with a view to this dropping in week two)Let yourself dwell for 10minutes, then get on with something else...go for walks, eat well, drink lots of water, join a gym, keep away from alcohol - it will flatten your mood and decrease your resistance of him right now, go out with your friends, concentrate on work, buy your self new clothes, lean on your friends for support, plan activities, write down how you feel, use a 1-10 rating of how you feel...is there parts of the day that are harder? What do you want from your life? Start to think about how you achieve it.Who knows what his reasons were to end it as he did...if hes never done such a thing this way before then it is indeed odd and could indicate someone else- who knows. Buy the important thing is how you are now, from this moment, regarding the rest of your life. You will recover from this. And you will regret it if you spend huge amounts of your precious time mourning and sitting in wait for him. Whatever is the root of him ending your relationship, he has ended it. There isn't anything you can do.He may contact you, he may...but equally he may not at all.If you can bear it, defriend him. I bet you are checking when he was last on social media etc....he wont be doing the same. It can become obsessional and habit forming. You need to break that cycle now.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (25 June 2016):
 He was wanting out for quite some time. No guy has answers like that for a girl unless he was already over with you before the conversation ever took place.
He was trying to get YOU to dump him by being such a jerk to you. Given that you didn't and still was taking him to task, he just ended it himself.
You said that he started working?? I'm guessing that either he actually did and planned to drop you when he started getting income, or that his job wasn't a "job" after all, but an excuse to see someone else. The high probability is that he's already seeing someone else. Too bad whoever it is he's either seeing or will see after you has to deal with his crap.
You're 22-25. If you've been together for 6 years, that means that you started dating him between the ages of 16 and 19, meaning he's probably wanting to break away from the high school stuff.
The whole "on and off" is the key. You need to stop thinking like a high schooler, and make it all "on" and not "off". Don't worry about his Facebook profile and delete and block him from your phone and all social media.
Believe it or not, this may be just the thing to break out of your rut - he isn't "half of you". You need to find your own life, your own way, and have a new standard of what makes a good partner. This guy is obsolete, and he's still immature. Time to blow him off and never need any sort of reassurance or positive affirmation from him. Never let him touch you again. After 6 years, if he can say goodbye like this, then he was worthless and doesn't see you as "half of him". There is no hope. He hasn't changed the pic because he just hasn't gotten around to it.
Mourn the loss of the relationship, find your friends (the ones that aren't also HIS friends) and start a new life. You'll find that dropping this guy's dead weight will be the best thing that's ever happened to you.
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