A
female
age
30-35,
*eaGW
writes:Hi. My question is basically how do I get over my bad sexual experiences and give sex a fresh start with an open mind? This is my sex experience so far though...I grew up next door to my cousins who were a couple years older than me. When i was about 10, my cousins would basically try to have sex with me. Luckily they never broke my hymen and I didn't know what it was they were doing until like 3 years later and when I found out, i was shocked and hurt. When I was 16, my grandpa died and then my uncle died and I was basically having self esteem issues at that point in time also so i was really vulnerable. I met a guy and well I wasn't trying to have sex with him but I put myself in a situation where I didn't have much of a choice and I accept that. It was really painful! I bled then and for like a week after. A couple days after that occured, I got depressed over that and thought it would be best I cut communication with that guy. He treated me like shit when I tried to. He called me a whore, told me I would go around having sex with other guys and he hoped I knew it had HIV/AIDS out there, how he had just used me and how he had burst the condom and I should get pregnant. 6 months after that, I had a boyfriend who tried to manipulate me and use my feelings against me to get sex but I managed to walk away from that situation. Ran into other people who were just about sex and well didn't succumb to them. Then when I thought I met someone who understood how I felt and where I was. He went after sex and well we had sex but during it, I noticed I became mentally distant and resorted to child like behaviour. And after that he was trying to have sex again sometime later but I avoided the situation and basically later on he said that he told me he wasnt looking for anyting serious when he never did. So now everyting I come close to having sex, I act like a child and basically have a mental block towards it. I really need help figuring out how to get over this! Please help!
View related questions:
condom, cousin, depressed, hymen, self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (25 April 2010):
 Watching porn is one thing. What I want you to do is to close your eyes, and develop your own personal fantasy. What this does is a remaps your view of sex. We use mental visualizations a lot in neuro-linguistics programming. When done with intent to desire, your brain will literally replace the anxiety with the fantasy, because you'll be telling it, what's in the fantasy is okay and acceptable, and not to be feared.
The letter is difficult, but does not need to be delivered. It's really for you, and releasing stored anger, and guilt, and pain, from the past incident. And it's important that you take the time to have your own fantasy, with self pleasure. This is all about you, no one else at the moment. It's about you redeveloping your sexuality, and getting to the point of feeling sensual, sexy, and maybe a little seductive, within yourself. This takes you on a journey of knowing pleasure is okay, and not shameful. That you deserve to receive and give pleasure, and that you are in control of that pleasure.
Image, he touches you just right, and you accept and give into the pleasure, because you know he's touching to show his love by giving you pleasure, and that you accept the pleasure because you know you deserve it, and want to fully share the experience through his touching of how he feels about you. So it's not just about getting down and having sex. It's about intimacy, and closeness, and that's what you don't want to live without. There can be a great feeling of loss if you live absent all your relationship can be.
A
female
reader, leaGW +, writes (25 April 2010):
leaGW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both very much for your advice. I know the writing a letter will definitely be a little challenging to fully express myself but I am open to trying it. I was encouraged to watch porn to see if that would help to ease my 'anxiety'. I would admit it did make me a little curious but i am not sure I am ready to jump in and try having sex again just yet. I think I'm going to wait on the right partner, i.e. someone i have a good emotional and physical connection with. Thanks alot again!
...............................
A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (21 February 2010):
 IMO, You need professional help to work through this. You clearly have a deeply ingrained psychological scar that would benefit more from ongoing therapy,than advise from here. I am prety sure no one is going to have a magic few words that will just make it all better. Wish someone did, but I really think on-going regular professional assistance would be the way to tackle and get past this.
Good Luck :-)
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (21 February 2010):
You say sex as "going after" a "challenge" or "competition", it's not. People in your past took what they should not have had access to, their gone, so it's time to start working on you to reduce these behaviors. The one I saw stick out the most was childhood regression, or regressed state of being, that's where you literally escape yourself to deal with the situation.
Our minds are designed for protection, which a lot of that comes from our knowledge by experience or learned from other peoples experience. Yours has associated "sex" as the act as what caused, and still causes you pain, instead of the individuals who acted in a way that causes hurt.
I recommend counseling as a release of some of this that has built up over the years. Talking to someone can be a great experience in reducing the traumatic affect. I am also going to ask you to do something that you'll find difficult, and emotional, but is needed to heal and begin enjoying sex. At your age now, would you blame a child who had been taken advantage of? Of course not. Children don't have the ability to protect themselves, nor do they have the ability to properly file the experience of what they don't understand. I want you to write a letter from your adult self to your child self, and tell her what you would if you were talking to someone going through this with what you know. Tell this child you, that she's not at fault, there is nothing she could have done, and that its okay to no longer live with the feeling as if it was her fault. Put all your emotion into it, giving understanding and permission to release the pain, and no longer carry it with you.
Next is to write a letter to those who hurt you (not requiring to deliver). Tell them how, what they did to you, affected you life. Detail it, as if they were right in front of you and you had one chance to let them have it. Yell, scream, call names, and how you'd like to chop their ....off. And at the end, the hardest through all these steps. You'll have to forgive them, and to the core of every part of you. You do this, not because they deserve it, but because you deserve to live without the pain they caused you.
At times, I've received feedback with an "OMG" response. Just letting you know ahead of time, I realize that and in answer, I only say what I believe will help you, even if uncomfortable to talk about, focus on, or accept. With that being said, you need to focus on enjoyment and pleasure that you can receive. So it's time to go toy shopping and get a couple of vibrators. If you don't already, it's time to give masturbation a serious try. Do not focus on the act, or what you're doing, or wondering if your doing it right. In doing so, keep your focus totally on the pleasure you receive from this self pleasureful act. Accept the pleasure, without guilt of having it, and realize that you deserve what you're experiencing. Once you do, you'll be more open for a partner to provide what's necessary to give you those pleasures, without regressing or detaching.
I hope this helps, take care.
...............................
|
