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female
,
anonymous
writes: I took my boyfriend's virginity and he keeps telling me that we need to slow down, now everytime that he wants to have sex and I don't, he gets mad at me then goes to bed. What do I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, AngelofLove  +, writes (3 December 2006):
 Your boyfriend, regardless of his lack of experience needs to learn to respect your wishes too.
Talk to him about your feelings and reassure him that you are not reject him as such but you both need to be in the same mood to enjoy making love.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (3 December 2006):
 The problem here is one of communication, and sexual differences. And not the ones you think I mean.
Men are VERY sensitive to sexual rejection. Much more so that women in general, something that is not well know by women because:
- women aren't like that (not the same as men in this respect)
- men rarely talk about it or show how upset they are
This reminded me of something said by John Gray recently. This is taken from his web site:
"Couples today are having much less sex than the media suggest. Yes, a lot of hungry men and women are out there wanting sex, but once they are married a few years, other things become more important, and sex is overlooked.
The primary reason for this loss of interest is that men feel rejected and women don’t feel romanced and understood in the relationship. A woman does not instinctively realize how sensitive a man is when she isn’t in the mood for sex. A man does not instinctively realize how much a woman needs romance and good communication to open up and feel in the mood.
For men not to feel rejected, couples need to create free, positive, and easy communication about sex, particularly about initiating sex. When a man repeatedly gets the message that his partner loves sex with him, his sexual desires can remain healthy and strong.
When a woman feels that a man is skilled in sex, and he supports her in the relationship, her sexual desire can remain fresh. Good communication and loving support in the relationship are most important for a woman. For a man, a good relationship is certainly important, but many times what makes the big difference is his sexual success with her.
When sex diminishes, most couples don’t realize there is a problem.
When couples stop having sex several times a week, rather than assuming they are just not interested anymore, they need to recognize that they are blocked. An important part of a healthy relationship is regular sex, two or three times a week.
“Use it or lose it” most aptly describes a lasting sex life. If you want a healthy body over the age of forty, you need to exercise. Likewise, if you want to keep the fires of passion, you have to keep having frequent sex. Women don’t realize how important sex is to men. If they don’t get it, men gradually lose interest and sexual vitality."
Think about this in the context of your own situation. How are you turning down sex? Whatever you are doing is making your boyfriend feel very rejected and insecure about his sexual abilities and appeal towards you.
You both need to change your behaviour. The starting point is open, clear and sympathetic communication.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2006): i disagree. i don't think him dating other people is the solution. just because you don't want it as much as he does, doesn't mean that you need to break up with him and let him get it from someone else. there's a little word called compromise. and it's amazing how much that word can help in relationships, yet so many people never learn to do it. rather instead, just do things like frank suggested and end the relationship. he may just get his feelings hurt that you don't want it when he does, or just be frustrated that he wants it and you don't. rejection is never a good feeling. anyway, i suggest you talk about it and find out why he gets angry. and if he really feels that the sex life isn't good enough for him, then maybe he needs to find someone who can "keep up with him." but either way, that's not your fault at all. but just talk to him. and don't ever let him make you feel bad for not wanting it. because it's your body and your decision. and if you don't want it, that's nothing anyone should make you feel bad about.
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A
female
reader, miss_luvbug +, writes (3 December 2006):
Tell him straight out that you need to feel that your relationship involves more than simply sex. Let him know exactly how you feel and if he cant take into consideration your feelings then its a simple "Buh Byes". It may be hard but do you really want someone who simply gets mad at you and goes to bed when he doesnt get his way?
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (3 December 2006):
 I would suggest that you give him the option of dating other people. You opened a pandoras box, and now he wants it more than ever. He needs to go out and sow his wild oats if you are not interested in him enough to keep up with him. Chances are, if he is really randy, he will either cheat on you, or be faithful but resent you greatly.
-Frank B Kermit
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