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male
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ConfusedDad
writes: Help, I'm a very confused dad in what I feel is a difficult situation and need some impartial advice to help see my family and myself through this...I've been in a relationship (not married) for 10 years which most people think of as perfect but it's definately not - we've also got a beautiful little 3 year old girl. The problem is I feel like I'm in a mid-life crisis situation and I want to act in the best inerests of everyone.I'm really confused about how I see my partner now and I'm not sure I love her - I mean I love her as a person and a friend but maybe not as a partner. We argue somewhat and have so for the last few years and we don't really have what I think of as a close relationship anymore - we very often go off and do our own things. This is mainly since baby was born and the pressures a very needy child has placed on the relationship, I understand the reduction of couple time with babies but we have neglected it totally and put baby as #1 all the time... which has meant almost insignificant time spent together... even to the point where friends and family have commented numerous times on this. I feel like we've done the right thing, our baby is now well adjusted and we both feel proud we've been able to provide the strong foundation we feel she needed to flourish.Unfortunately I feel it's gone too far and this realization has hit me like a ton of bricks. Although I'm not sure this is caused by this situation or the reasons below have caused this feeling in me...The mid-life crisis thing hit fast - the feeling above of being alone in the couple, the feeling of doubt and the feeling of not knowing this is the right person for me, the feeling of guilt in believing I'm not allowed to ask these questions or have these feelings.I guess the feeling of not knowing if my partner is the one is because she is the only one I've had a serious relationship with (and from a young age) - maybe I feel like I don't have the experience to make that decision?!?Anyway the question - is the best thing to do to seperate for a certain time period so I can get things straight in my head and so I don't inflict my doubt on my partner and child... they both feel like they're on a bit of a roller coaster at the moment and I'm the one driving. I want to do the best thing by everyone here so some practicle advice or opinions would be so well received!
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female
reader, pepper  +, writes (21 June 2006):
Sounds to me that you are running out of energy and fuel at this satge. I can understand your situation as i have a 21 months old child myself and i am in my mid 20's. Having a child in your life does change a lot. It is a constant battlefield of pleasure as well as frustration. For me as a mother, my child also comes first but that does not mean i neglect others e.g. my husband, family or social circle. For any good realtionship to prosper whether it's with your parents, your partner, your child..it requires a lot of time, effort and patience. I'll give u an example of of my two uncles who have accomplished a lot in their lives in a very different way. One of them, came from india and worked his A** off to acquire assets, money etc and he became a very successful businessman indeed but because he worked very hard he didn't have time for his kids. His kids have now moved away from home and he doesn't get to see them much. Even though he is now a very rich man he is poor when it comes to his family life.
On the other hand, my other uncle ....whom i greatly admire, again, came from india, worked his A** off (still doing actually)shared a good amount of time to work, family, social life etc. He is also well established perhaps not so much in terms of money as the former one but still plenty and have a good realtionships with his family( a very strong one indeed) and his friends. His kids now are also well educated and have wonderful partners and love his dad like nothing else. After so many years of marriage he loves his wife like no one else.(Ghosh!! i never thought i'll write this about him...ahh he must be so pleased). I haven't made these stories up they are for real. I literally can go on and on, giving you examples of people who have done well in their lives. I guess what i am trying to say that people who are positive and have strong will power do well in life. As there is a wise say in india u'll get ruined if u do things according to how you feel as the feeling always keeps changing and so does charms...that is the very nature of our beings. It is never static ...so if you want to become a better person...stay committed. (enough theory...back to reality)
Your family, whether it's your child or your partner needs you the most at this time...this is not the time to give up. Sounds like you both have done very well to bring your daughter up (thumps up!!)...so why give up now? It will only become better from now for you guys...as she will start going to nurseries and school in a year or so and you both will be able to get some quality time for yourselves every now and again. You can also always ask yours or your partner's parents or even your good mates to baby sit her once in a while so you guys can go out together. It is very important for both of you to spend time togther when you both are feeling run down. It is only natural for anyone to feel this way but the vital thing is to stay united and comitted for the sake of your family and also for your own well being. I run to my family when i need support ...but if i didn't have any family where will i run to.
But, then again it really does depend on what you want in life. What goals you have in life??...to be somebody strong, focused, well accomplished who can provide good future to your child and partner or someone who wants to give up all that beacuse how you feel at this time...which might change again in future.
Sorry for being so long...but it's a heart felt advise.
Stay committed to your goals in life...you will find it rewarding later.
Good luck
A
female
reader, ariel  +, writes (21 June 2006):
 No marriage is perfect, you say "you love her as a friend and not as a partner."Being together for a dacade I should hope shes your friend ,but somehow your honeymoon period has disappered.Is that what you mean by "not as a partner" - You don't find her sexually appealing anymore. Do you think she might be feeling the same?You need to stoke a fire to keep it burning .The two of you are going your seperate ways.A great relationship only happens when both of you want the same level of intimacy.
You said you do not know if your partner is the one. I think at the moment the two of you feel disengage from each other because of your feelings .She is panicking because she thinks you leaving and you are in a crisis.
Your question: Should I seperate to get things straight?
My answer to you is ,before you make a radical life changing change that can be very damaging and cause regret later,you need to seek help through counselling or therapy.
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