A
female
age
36-40,
*osyCheeks87
writes:I am 23 years old and the guy that I am currently dating is thirty nine years old(he is divorced)he has a 9-yr old daughter that is a sweetheart, he gets to see her every other weekend and Im totally supportive of him being there for her, we have been going together for nine months and our reltionship has been ok.BUT for some odd reason he always feels the need to compare me to his daughter, and this gets under my skin. One day he told me that his daughter could box better than me, and I went under the impression that it was a joke and I lauhed it off. This may seem petty, but it has progresed into an annoyance.He constantly compares me to her as if I am her age. He constantly reminds me that I come second and will always becond to her as if I dont know that already, Ivbeen nothing but kind to his little girl and accepting of her, BUT Im starting to feel alone in this relationship because I feel hesalready pre-occupied and unavailable to give me the attention I desire..his every thought and conversation is about his daughter, and its annoyin the hell out of me. He is a responisble father, a gentleman, and educated individual, I like these qualities in a man; but I dont think its fair that he compares me to his daughter or talks about her 24/7 to me. However, I do care for him and can see myself with him. I do desire a long term relationship, BUT I don't want to hear him rant about his little princess everytime Im around him. I want to address this to him without him accusing me of being selfish. My parents warned me and told me not to get involved, but I didnt listen because I had a connection with this guy. Should I address the issue or should I call it quits and find a man w/o a child in the picture? Im not willing to give attention that I dont receive, I believe Im entitled to feel special too!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 January 2011):
 To the posters suggesting the OP to voice her concerns- it's a very sensible idea in theory, in practice probably it won't go down that well.
Imagine : " Honey, I have a problem with all the attention you are giving your kid when I am around. I know that you only see her alternate weekends, ( 4 days a month ) and I can see you and talk to you whenever we want, still I resent sharing the spotlight with her. I want you to make me feel special and you should always keep that in mind , even if it means changing the dynamics of your relation with your kid ,which so far has worked perfectly for you- but that ,in my opinion, is verging on maniacal.
Oh and tbh I am bored to death to
hear you always ranting about your kid. I don't find it an
interesting conversation subject and it annoys me to hell ".
I don't think that any dad would be too thrilled about these sentiments, and even less so a slightly obsessed dad.
The child is his 9 y.o. daughter and the OP is a girl that he has been going out with for the past 9 months.
I don't think our OP has got enough leverage yet. If she makes him feel that he needs to change the way he treats his daughter in order to keep the relationship going, - the least that can happen is antagonizing him, and polarizing the issue even more.
I think, OP, you may have underestimated the downsides of dating an older , divorced ( and devoted ) dad. Rather than dining in romantic ,candle-lit restaurants, you dine at Chucky Cheese's . Rather than taking a trip to Paris or Ibiza, - you go to Disneyworld. If the child has got a tummy ache, you talk about the tummy ache, not about sports or fashion or what interests you. Children loom very large in the life of most parents, not just your bf's.
It's not for everybody ; maybe you'd simply be happier with a younger,childless guy.
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (15 January 2011):
I missed the mention of his age and now that I read that, I have to adjust my statement a bit. I think it's too big. Do yourself a favor and end it because this is all it will ever be. If you're not happy now, you will not be it in the future with him either. You might even grow to resent the kid because of the attention she gets and you don't. Spare yourself all that mind-poisoning and get out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): No offence but you are young enough to be his daughter. The age gap is such a big one that he is a generation above you, age wise you are closer to his daughters age than you are to his.
This is a problem that is not going to go away, his daughter is his life and as he said she comes first and as a doting father she will represent most of what he talks about.
Lost of anons have given you lots of different advice and while I'm all for free and open debate I think most were wide of the mark. You see he's a middle-aged father, I know a few parents his age and all they talk about is their kids, that's the way it goes. Their kids are their obsession and that's fair enough. To me it can be annoying sometimes, after a while you get bored of hearing about their rugrats but I don't have to date them so it's okay.
This is what you have to understand if you want a successful relationship with this guy, she is his life, not only does she come first but she is his greatest love, not you and you never will be. He will always talk about her and while I too would be annoyed with the constant comparisons that goes with the fact you're young enough to actually be his daughter. In essence the age gap in your relationship is so great that he will become like a surrogate father to you, he was 16 when you were born after all.
Let me make it clear to you, he will NOT stop talking about his daughter, he will not suddenly start not caring about her nor will he transfer any of his love for her onto you.
You are not going to get your way with him. This is who he is, either you adapt or you walk, he's 39 he is the man he will always be. He's settled into being a father and that's his life now. Either you want to share that or you don't but if you can't handle the fact he has a daughter and she's his obsession then you have to walk. You can demand all you want it won't work. You can talk to him, you can bang your head against a wall if you like, nothing you do will convince this man to stop thinking about her 24/7. Nothing.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (15 January 2011):
OP, I don't think you're being selfish at all. Like you said, there's a line and he seems to be crossing it. Gushing over your children is fine--almost every parent does this-- but if there's nothing more to his life than his daughter, I think he's not ready to commit to this relationship.
I would talk to him about this. If you can't talk this relationship is doomed. Simply tell him how you feel. Start with the positive: his devotion to his daughter as a dad. Then tell him that you don't know what to think of the constant comparisons to his daughter and that you don't like it. You're not a small girl, you're a grown woman. Also tell him that though you understand what she means to him, you don't like being constantly told you're second because now you're starting to wonder if being second equals being nothing. You deserve to know where you stand.
Do not be afraid to stand up for your feelings. Just because he's got a daughter doesn't mean you don't deserve any attention. If that's his idea of a relationship, call it quits because that means it's always been just him and his kid anyway.
Don't get stuck in a relationship where you're the third wheel.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): this guy is nuts,you cant compare a grown woman to a 9 year old find someone else who wont treat you like crap
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): You're just passing through. The girl will be his daughter forever.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): I think you are being a little... selfish. Well more insensitive I suppose. Thirteen years age difference between you may give him the impression that he can look at you as thou you are a bit of a child. When you have a child they SHOULD take over your life, thats the responsibility of having a child and it means he is a good father. Talk to him, but don't go laying down rules, you're thinking too much about the way he is doing things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): Find a guy your age sweety! Think of this guy in 10 yrs and how much more he is gonna rant, will you still be able to take it? Don't waste your life.
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