A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:We've been having problems already because of me not being able to trust him. However, he got into a car accident yesterday, he called me to be there for him; however, he contacted his ex through text messaging. It's a big thing and I want to be the only on there for him but he reached out to his ex as well. He was constantly on his phone right after the accident so I asked him who he was talking to. He told me in the most obnoxious way almost intentional. I got really upset and sad. Instead of trying to take his mind off the accident, I contributed his stress because of who he decided to talk to. He says I'm the one who he wants to console him and blahblah but he also said to one of his friends through text msg that I found that he says she's the one that he let get away. He tells me that he told that to his friend because he wants her to "feel bad" for him. What should I do?
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (7 February 2010):
The text that says it all is the one that says 'she was the one he let get away'. That's all you need to know. This isn't about him wanting her to feel bad. This is about him wanting her back and he thought the crash would be enough. There is never really a reason to get back into contact with an ex when you have a new partner, unless the truth is you want the ex back. It's pretty clear he wants her. Don't be second best.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2010): I'm sorry to say it but he's not over his ex. I'm not saying he doesn't care about you. I'm sure he does. But he feels safe with you. Like you are secure.
So he continues talking to his ex because he knows you aren't going to do anything about it except get mad and that's it.
Why would he want her to "feel bad" for him? Why would he care what she feels for him at all anymore? I think you caught him red handed with that text message that said he thought she was the one he let get away.
You shouldn't be someones second choice. You deserve someone who appreciates you. And yes, it wasn't the time or the place to get mad at him for talking to his ex but he still did wrong.
I honestly think he cares for you but doesn't realize how much yet.
Here's my advice:
stop getting mad at him for the ex girlfriend thing for a while. Treat him amazing. Ignore what makes you mad for 2 weeks and treat him like a king. Then, when he talks to his ex again...
sit him down and tell him you have been thinking. That you deserve to be his only one. Because he is your only one. And as much as you care for him you will feel it's disrespectful to your relationship for him to keep talking to an ex lover. (because it is no matter what excuse they give).
tell him you want time to think about if you want to keep putting your heart and time into someone who uses his time and effort on an old flame. And stick to it. No matter what he says at this point, excuse yourself and don't answer his calls/texts for a while. (hours) one or two days max!
If he cares for you at all, he will realize what he's losing and agree to stop. Or he might say, "screw it." and go after his ex.
Either way this will tell you where he really stands.
Key points:
be the best girlfriend possible for 2 weeks at least. Even if he does talk to his ex don't confront him. Just leave the room until he stops but don't tell him anything as hard as that is. I know.
Show him why you're better than her. A lot of physical intimicy goes a long way with men too.
Then when his ex calls him again after two weeks wait until he's finished texting/talking to her and time out your discussion. Make sure it's kind of out of the blue when you and him are on good terms. Don't be mean or vengeful when you tell him, just loving but firm.
Don't back down. No matter if he tries to turn the tables. Like I said, either way you will find out how he really feels.
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