A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating an older man exclusively for a little over 3 months now.We have been going slowly on the emotional aspect, which I understand b/c we were both still healing from previous relationships. But there are a few things that have been frustrating me.He uses terms like "dating" but doesn't call me his girlfriend. Some one said we were a cute couple and I said thanks and he tensed up for a minute before he said thank you. I once referred to him as a my boyfriend when a friend asked because I didn't feel like going into detail about our arrangement and he made a noise as if he didn't approve of my using that term. This was a month and a half to two months ago, so it was early on but he also said about a month ago that he was comfortable with the way things were and didn't want them to go any further.We had a chat a few weeks later and I told him that I didn't expect anything other than his respect but that I would eventually have to move on and it wouldn't be because I was interested in anyone else but because I wouldn't be able to stand being with someone who couldn't see any kind of future with me. He said that he could respect that and that he felt better about being with me because when we talked, he realized that I did understand what kind of arrangement we had. He was afraid I would misunderstand.He has always been insecure about my wanting to see other people though- he's afraid I will want to leave him for another man, was afraid of this even in the first few weeks of dating and sometimes needs me to reassure him of my loyalty. I haven't had to do it as often lately but it still pops up from time to time. A month ago, he told me that he still thought about his ex everyday. I acted as his shoulder to lean on and was kind and listened, though hearing it hurt. I just reminded myself that even though we both agreed not to see other people, he still didn't want to acknowledge me as his girlfriend, so that meant he wasn't my boyfriend and I had no reason to expect anything from him other than his respect and friendship.Well, a few days ago, his ex walks into our work place (whether as an excuse to see him or to honestly use the facilities, I don't know- they didn't talk). He was absolutely livid that she had come into his territory. I mean he was completely out of sorts-jaw set, foot tapping, fingers pressed to forehead, staring holes in the wall. I didn't even know why he was upset, I just knew something was off. He told me what was up during our break and I started to lose my patience with him. I knew the situation wasn't about me, but we seemed to be emotionally progressing, he seemed to be less and less affected by her existence. I called him out on his unhealthy reaction and accused him of still pining for her- why would you be so affected by a person if you didn't still have feelings for them? I felt like rebound- still. To say nothing of the fact that he stopped doing some of the things he loves to do because he associates it with her and stopped talking to a large group of people(he's a social butterfly, unlike my hermit self)because they are mutual friends. He was very upset with me because my reaction was not as nurturing as it usually is when he confides in me. You also need to understand that 2 weeks ago, we had shared a moment and were laughing and as I leaned forward to kiss him he said "I love y-" and then caught himself and stopped. I said, "What's that, hmm? Got somethin' ta say?" We were tender for a bit and I told him he could tell me whenever he wanted to, whenever he was ready(3 months is kind of early for that anyways, IMHO). But when I mentioned the incident a few days later, he completely denied it even happened. This whole incident added to my frustration the other day. We talked about our little argument later, and he told me that he didn't think about her all the time anymore, that she was barely in his thoughts at all in fact. He just hated her as a person that much. I told him why I thought he still had feelings for her and he was frustrated that I would assume that his feelings hadn't changed, that I should have asked. My lack of empathy that night set off a negative gut reaction to me- he was sore at me for a few days, and I think he might still be just a little...Is it strange that I didn't think to ask if his feelings have changed when he told me on his own that he still thought about her? (He told me he felt this way about her while we were eating at a restaurant and he was cuddling me). Do you think I am still rebound? I am trying not to have too many expectations here. But its hard not to, when he sends me so many mixed signals. I am afraid to ask him if his feelings for me have grown, because of the last time we talked about where we were- he seemed to be pretty clear. I don't want him to withdraw or feel that I am pressuring him. The less I pressure him on such things, I've realized, the more affectionate he is, the more he opens up to me and wants to be around me.At one point in another conversation, he told me that it was weird that I called him because girls don't call guys (I called him about once a week, just to talk). The way he said it sounded critical, so I stopped calling him unless it was important or for a special occasion. He usually calls only when he has a reason to, though he will be chatty. But during our last heart to heart, he basically said he wanted me call him more often like I used to. Am I right in thinking that when he calls with his "reasons", he's using it as an excuse to talk to me? Because I don't want to be the one calling him just to talk if he isn't doing that for me too.He spends most of his weekends with me and sometimes during the week, so he does spend much of his free time with me. He always takes me out somewhere. This past weekend, we had a picnic.He is very nurturing, attentive and affectionate. He is always mother henning me, trying to look after my health and my klutziness. And he bought me birthday gift that he put some thought into(braclet w/sterling silver charm that he felt symbolized my personality). He was blushing and mumbling when he gave it to me. :-) Every once in a great while, he will make a point of telling me that I am special to him and that he loves being with me.But while I know he has mentioned me to at least his best friend, I don't know if he has talked about me to anyone else and he hasn't introduced me to any friends or family yet. Is he just going slow, or is it hopeless for it to progress?Today, I offered to help him clean his room (I often help him with his laundry anyways)but he turned down my offer and said- "I don't think you quite realize what that means, but that's ok, that's ok." And then he kissed me. Guess I don't because I have no idea what he's talking about. He was griping about how his room needed to be cleaned (and it did).One more thing... A couple of weeks ago, I saw a tampon in the trash that wasn't mine. I made a joke about it to him but didn't freak out because he has a roommate who brings friends over, which is what he suggested the case was. But today, I saw (on accident, I'm not a snooper)a phone number with a woman's name written above it on his dresser. I asked him who she was and at first he played dumb but when I showed him the paper he just made a joke, held me to him and got a funny look- sort of a smile on his face and told me I was silly. I've tried to rationalize that it could be work related or something, but I'm afraid of getting hurt and I will be so ticked off if he is seeing someone else b/c we both agreed to date each other exclusively. Am I being unreasonable? I mean, I am an absent minded professor and I leave my stuff all over his room on accident and when I come back its usually there or where it could be seen easily so he would probably try to hide it if another woman came in, but I don't know...Sometimes it feels like it can go somewhere and sometimes I'm just not sure what the hell is going on. Is it going to evolve as we heal from our experiences and enjoy being with one another? Or is it just doomed to stagnate? I know no one can tell the future but does any one have any advice or insight?Thanks!
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best friend, her ex, his ex, insecure, move on, older man, roommate, tampon Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (26 November 2012):
 To summarise your question, this man, who is older, has no intention of having any sort of future with you, but requires you to reassure him often that you will not leave for another man.
He has told you he still has feelings for his ex, and when she visited the workplace he got upset with you for your lack of nurturing.
You suspect he is seeing another woman, the tampon and woman's phone number adding to this suspicion.
You want to know if this relationship is going anywhere.
No, I don't think there is a future here for you, he has told you himself there is no future, I feel you are a stop gap for him, the reason he wants exclusiveness from you is for his own convenience, he seems to be quite selfish and adept at manipulating you into going along with his wishes.
If you want more of the same stay there, if you want the opportunity to find a man who wants to settle down, who has the same life goals as you, its time to move on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2012): What sort of an arrangement is this? Because it sounds little more than a FWB. Saying he is glad you understand, when you talk about moving on is weird and his difficulty with seeing you as a girlfriend is strange....if he sees you as his girlfriend, why be fazed about it? Very odd! I think this is a FWB in his eyes and he is still very much in love with his ex. If I were you, I would sit him down and ask point blank where he sees this thing going. It sounds as if he is happy for the company and a warm bed but thats it! He cant possibly have any real affection for you when he is a mass of emotional responses because his ex walks in to a room, yet doesnt raise an eyebrow when you talk about moving on from him. My take is that you HAVE moved on sufficiently from your ex to start dating properly, while your friend there is still pining over his ex and nowhere near ready to handle more than a casual thing with you. I think you will become more and more frustrated with him and suspicious, while he grows to resent you because you said you ONLY ask for respect from him...but really you are looking for a whole lot more! He has made it clear by word and deed that he is not emotionally available to you. So to expect more from him, will only frustrate you and make him feel you are unreasonable. If you arent happy, you need to be honest with him. If he cant offer you more, then you have to decide whether you can continue as you are or if you need to move on and find someone who can commit to you 100% in a proper relationship. I know what I would do!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2012): I actually had to read how long you've been together twice because this is so much drama for only 3 months of being together. Relationships are supposed to be fun - especially in the beginning and this doesn't sound it to be honest.
Would you be prepared for another year, 2 years, even a decade of this??
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 November 2012):
 From reading your submittal, I'd estimate that your 3 months "thing" with this guy has had about 30 YEARS-worth of drama in it.....
IF drama is what turns you on.... then you and this guy (and this "relationship") are just the ticket for a happy future.....
If you really desire a "more regular" type of relationship.... one that wouldn't include the goings-on that triggered this submittal..... then you need to find another partner...
Good luck.....
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