A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My mother has always mystified me. She is very uncomfortable showing her emotions, to the point where she has never said "I love you" to me, and my father sometimes forces her to say it to him. As I got older, I learned that she was different from other mothers by watching the way that mothers and daughters joked around or hugged one another. She would be uncomfortable showing affection in this way, and I have so rarely been offered any emotional support from her or been given any pearls of wisdom. She is very sensitive to the smallest of criticisms, and I feel like I am walking on eggshells around her, trying not to offend her. My father doesn't treat her right, and she lets him walk all over for her, serving him and bending to his every will constantly. She will never stand up for herself when he talks down to her (he is mildly emotionally abusive), and it kills me to watch. I also know virtually nothing about her life, as she never tells me stories about her childhood or expresses any opinions. She is extremely private in that way, and sometimes I feel like she barely has a personality because she doesn't really have any interests (or at least not that I know of). I have always assumed that my mother had an anxiety disorder, and was angry at her for not caring enough about her kids to support them emotionally or share who she is. Yet she is never cold or rude to me; she is always pleasant and polite, but her niceness feels like a persona and I can't see the real her. For my whole life I have wished I could know why she is the way she is, if maybe something traumatic had happened to her when she was younger. But she has a good relationship with her parents and visits them every weekend. Recently someone suggested that my mother may have Asperger's, something that I had never before considered, and when I heard this it was like everything suddenly clicked and made sense. I would like someone's opinion because I'm not sure if I am reading too much into everything.My brother has PDD-NOS, so maybe there is a genetic basis for spectrum disorders in my family. My mom also has various social problems: she is very quiet, she invades everyone's personal bubble and gets very close to them when speaking, she stares at people sometimes, she doesn't always answer or understand the question you asked, and she takes a long pause when formulating a response to a question. However, to anyone from the outside it wouldn't be apparent that she had an ASD, and if she does she is only mildly affected.I am worried partially because she was my female role model as I was growing up; she showed me how to behave socially. I am a very shy person, and my self-esteem is extremely low. I know that I am much better than her socially, and when I get comfortable with people, I can open up and show myself. But it takes a LONG time for that to happen, and sometimes I withdraw without meaning to. Sometimes when I see the way others interact with each other, I worry that I didn't learn a healthy and fulfilling way to relate to others. How am I supposed to change that? Is it enough to observe others when I've been watching her for 21 years? Where do I go from here? Thank you for reading!
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 July 2013):
 There are no two aspies that are alike. You can have one who wants friends while the other is shut in. Your mother has no narrow interests so one criteria didn't meet. She definitely has something though. I see some traits of attention deficit.
You don't need to have a parent with a label to feel that he/she failed your childhood. A parent can be normal and loving and still there are gaps or holes because one can't always be prepared to deal with issues that are unknown territory. It takes a village to raise a child but unfortunately today a village consists of noisy crowded daycares and academic schools that can't cater to interpersonal needs.
I am different from you in that I have no desire to reach out to people. As I mature I realized it is a lack of interest rather than ability. I find role models in athletes. I also read tons of books, out of curiosity in human behavior more than for self improvement. I also gained a lot of insight from visiting this website.
Your low self esteem is probably stemmed from lack of love received from parents. It is hard to feel confident when a father is abusive. When I grow up I never consciously ask myself how to be a better person. I believe when there is a will, you will find a way. A good start is to eliminate ways that are ineffective. You grow and you learn that you are not your parents and will not copy their ways. Everybody is learning how to relate better. Just some are faster and more natural at this. You may even find that others learn from you too.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2013):
As a person diagnosed with Asperger's in my forties after never knowing such a condition existed, it is very possible that your mother may be affected.
Most regions now have Asperger support groups that can be located by Google search, attaching a link to a website that may be helpful.
Families of Adults Affected by Asperger Syndrome:
http://faaas.org/
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