A
female
age
51-59,
*iss Fidelity
writes:If anyone out there can help me, I would be so very grateful...I have a lying, cheating, stingy, emotionally and slightly physically abusive boyfriend. I know I should break up with him. I know he is bad for me.I have caught him on Adult Match maker several times and he denies he is on there, then he admits he is but only looking for me because a mate said he saw me on there. But he has been a member since Feb 2003 and I have only been dating him since Jan 2008.He is emotionally abusive. he is getting slightly violent. He slaps me a bit and denies it.He is 30 and is controlled by the parents, father in particular, that he still lives with.he has just lost his job due to misconduct and other things.Anyway, I could go on and on.Short story here - I think I am addicted to him or either I just can't face being alone. i know if I stay with him, w will break up one day anyway, there is no future with this guy. I have tried to break it off a few times now but he always wins me back.Does anyone have any ideas on how I can break up with him once and for all? I am an emotional wreck.Thanks.
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emotionally abusive, lost his job, violent Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2009): If that's your photo, I can tell you you won't stay lonely for very long at all once you've dumped this jerk of a manipulating, abusive idiot. He should be practising his kung-fu at the gym on someone who's capable of kung-fuing him right back.
You know yourself that you can do better than this. I bet there's a thousand blokes within a 10 mile radius that would be only too pleased to have you as their other half - and who will treat you as you should be treated, with warmth and passion instead of violence.
All you have to do is make a very simple decision. If he's got any of his stuff at your place it goes out the front door in bin bags. You tell him to come and pick it up or it goes out with the garbage, and not to bother ringing the doorbell either. Then no more contact. Absolutely none. And stick to it. You can do it.
A
female
reader, Miss Fidelity +, writes (4 February 2009):
Miss Fidelity is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi Readrer Anonymous 4rd FebruaryThanks so much for your reply. You are truly amazing. I can not say thank you enough. You remind me of a girl I met who used to be his girlfriend. She tried to help me, but I was stubborn and not smart or strong enough to leave him, no matter how I did try, I thought.But I do not need to try any more. I have just lost interest in him. I have decided to open my eyes and see clearly. He offers me nothing good. He is immature, selfish, self obsessed, cruel, devoid of sensitivity and the list goes on, adding the lies and cheating and violence plus more.I texted him today after not answering his calls lsat nigt and said he had one last chance to change and to show me he cares and his reply is a phone call saying would I ,ike to come and visit him tonight? No way! was my reply. i then sent a text a few hours later saying he had blown it, he couldnt even do anything when he was asked to show some effort and he replied I love you xx. I replied a few hours again later saying it didbt work like that and I was over it. He tried to call again twice tonight and I have not answered.My plan is eventually to tell him that dating someone for a year and living in his parents house and bedroom and knowing he is on sex dating websites doesn't rock MY world! Well I just think I will say I'm done, I have spent enough time with him.Thanks so much. I think finally there is nothing left for even me to stay with him. there are plenty of good people I can better spend my time on. I look forward to your private email.Hugs,Miss fidelity, aka my real name I will tell you.
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female
reader, Too Sensitive  +, writes (3 February 2009):
Very good answers and advice here, but that last one (anon. reader) had so much insight into the minds of these manipulative people (sounds like the responder has first-hand experience, unfortunately). It's all true, and right on target. It's confusing and hard for us to get our heads around, but that's b/c we don't think like that ourselves. However, they do, please remember that.
Is the book "In Sheep's Clothing" by any chance? That is one on my shopping list, as I haven't yet read it, but I have heard of it.
I feel like a broken record here, but I can't say enough about these two articles I've recently discovered (I've already posted them in other responses). They've helped me quite a bit already, though I've got a long road to travel to make my break, since we live under the same roof. You will recognize the behaviors noted in the articles, and it will help you understand that what you're dealing with is dangerous in so many ways. The articles will give you the strength and courage to get out, if you are going to survive. They will help you understand why up to this point you've stayed. They will give you specific advice on how best to make the break. With these people, it is not simply a case of walking away, b/c they don't let you (they are skilled at "winning us back", as he's already done with you).
Read these articles, then re-read them, then re-read them again, as many times as you have to in order to get to where you need to be in your own mind to make the break.
http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
http://drjoecarver.makeswebsites.com/clients/49355/File/love_and_stockholm_syndrome.html
Good luck, be strong, and do what you have to do to make that break once and for all, for your own sake. Let us know how you're doing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): You do not have a dumb and guliable side, please stop saying that, he says enough bad things about you! What you do have is an enormous heart and you find it almost impossible to walk away from a stranger that is hurt or sad if you think you can help them, let alone somebody you care about - this makes you a very special and wounderful person. It is hard to come across people like you these days. He sees this in you and uses it to his advantage as a last resort in getting you back when he knows his abuse has gone too far and you have one foot out the door. Instead of offering you a sincere apology, and offering to back off and give you all the space you need while he goes to get the theropy he needs to deal with his issues so that he can perhaps one day treat you the way you actually deserve to be treated, he instead (with tears of pain and pity for himself rolling down his cheeks) tells you how he dosen't want to hurt you, it is just that his Dad is so mean this is all he knows. This is not an apology this is an excuse and since he is saying it is all he knows he is also telling you that you can not hold him accountable when he hurts you again in the furture. This makes him a manipulative a**hole. You know you have heard it all before and if you turn around, you will hear it all again, yet somebody you love is hurting and it is so hard for you to turn your back on them while they are reaching out to you. There is nothing wrong with you, there is something very wrong with people who take advantage of people like you. People who are verbally and mentally abusive speak a language all of their own. They have a way of making themselves seem so sincere that to you it is very hard to resist them, but they are masters at this game. The reason why they can easliy justify breaking promises is because they never actually make any to begin with. They are very careful with their words and even when is seems as if they are giving you a sincere, heartfelt apology and promising that they will never do it again, if you can decode their words all they are really saying is "This is not my fault. Don't you feel sorry for me? Since we have agreed it is not my fault, it is also agreed that I am not responsible for the next time I do this to you. You should have known better. I have explained all of this to you before it is not my fault if you are just too stupid to get it and have not taken the time to understand me. Now you are mad at me and trying to leave me too! You will pay for this! I feel sorry for me!"
Yes, this is really what is going through his head and yes he really does find a way to make himself believe it. There is a book, I can not remember the name of it right now, but I am going to find it for you. It will help you to be able to decode his language. Trust me, I am sure you have cleary picked up on the fact that he is not very honest with you, but if you have not understood the reasons why or how it is so easy for him to say these things to you and believe he is right, it is because you are a sane, rational human being. He do not have a rational thought pattern. Once you are able to understand what he really means by the things he says to you, his words will have no impact on you at all. As matter of fact, things that he said to easily upset and control you with before, will now only make you feel like laughing at his pittiful A**. I will find the name of the book tonight and send it too you in a Private Email. I am pretty sure that you can get it on e-bay for $1 plus $2 shipping, but if for any reason you are unable to get it then I will make arrangements to get one to you. As far as the Adult Friend Finder, my husband use to think that was acceptable behavior also and he made no excuses. What you need to do and I would suggest that you wait until you have no further contact with him, is get the password to his account and then go in and change his info about himself and what he is looking for, you know the stuff other people see. He probably only looks at other people and his mail when he goes in there. Since he wrote his own add, he knows what it says and has no need to review it. You will know what to say, just be creative, but don't change it to say that he is looking for men only because then he will know right away when men are answering his add. Besides, you do want to share the truth about him with all of his little trampy girlfriends don't you? lol. I know this may be a physco thing to do and if he has a tendency to get violent then you probably should not, but it is a way to look back and laugh at something that I am sure you find very painful and degrating right now. Well, I will be in thouch with you with the name of the book. Hang in there and stay strong.
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female
reader, Miss Fidelity +, writes (3 February 2009):
Miss Fidelity is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys
Thanks so much for supporting me and taking the time to give the answers to try and help me see the light.
I asked him yesterday to think about how he would feel if he found me on Adult Match Maker and he said he wouldn't be happy but he says he is on there to find me. I do not do that stuff and he has said he knows I am a good and faithful girl.
The violence worries me. it is mild but I know where it leads. He tries to discipline me with this, saying I need to learn to keep my mouth shut, what a jerk. He has a gold belt in King Fu and has hurt me practising his moves on me - always accidental - but when I get very distressed and ask him to stop, he gets angry and says I need to toughen up or maybe learn Kung Fu! What a jerk!
Should have known better, I googled him once and saw his ex had listed him on Don't Date Him Girl..... hmmm that says a bit itself.
But he is crass and crude and rarely takes me out anyway. There has been so much wrong for so long. i have put up wityh it because i have felt lonely. My self esteem is in tatters. My stupid and gullible side wants to forgive him, but every day I do not answer his calls, today being Day 1, is a day away from him and a day closer to healing.
But with all your help, it is like small steps taking me away from him and waking up to see the sun shining again!
Big hugs and kisses to you all! Keep up with your fantastic support!
Miss Fidelity
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): read the following sentences out loud to yourself...i will leave him i can do iti will leave him i can do iti will leave him i can do iti will leave him i can do iti will leave him i can do iti will leave him i can do iti will leave him i can do iti will leave him i can do iti will leave him i can do iti will leave him i can do itand then do it
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female
reader, pastfirst +, writes (3 February 2009):
 Relationships can and do become addictive.
Physical and emotional violence is intolerable under any circumstances.
It's almost impossible to overcome an addiction alone. You need Counselling to help you get out of this relationship before it gets worse.
It won't get better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): The only way I left someone just like you describe was by meeting someone else. Ok... they were not perfect but they were hundred times better and this showed me the way. It might sound like the cowards way out but sometimes it takes some fun and happiness to give you the confidence - and lets face it you deserve it.
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male
reader, ArmyMedic  +, writes (3 February 2009):
 It is so difficult to walk away from an abusive relationship because the whole purpose of the abuse is to make you feel worthless with out him, and it has worked! It makes me feel sick that there are such pathetic men out there! I can not give you any help in how to leave him but you must! Get out and start enjoying your freedom, once the ties have been broken change your e-mail address and phone number, and never look back!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): I do not think that anyone will be able to tell you to leave until you are good and ready to, but I can tell you that if you are looking for help, you are thinking pretty hard about it. It won't be too much longer until you break away. As hard as it may seem and as much as you are not able to believe me right now, one morning you will wake up and just look at the sun shining out the window and remember how long it has been since you have paid attention to stuff like that. This will get you to start thinking about your life before you met him and good times and good friends that you had before he came along. Suddenly you will just want your life back and when he tries to stop you, you will not give a second thought about calling the police and you will never regret it. Even though he always made you feel as if you could not live without him, you will feel a great weight lifted off of your shoulders, nothing but releif. For some women, this day will never come. They will never get this strong and some of them will be murdered before they see this day. But this day will come for you, I know you will see it because you are on here building your confidance and getting stronger. Once you get away though, you need to get some help and find out what it was that got you to be with somebody like him to begin with so that you can make sure you don't wind up right back in the same situtation. Good Luck.
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male
reader, The old Man? +, writes (3 February 2009):
 Until you've decided that you've had enough, there is nothing anyone can say.
You say he's beginning to get abusive with you. He cheats on you. Yet, he denies it, and you ALLOW it.
In time the small slaps that you are getting now will turn into real live hitting and violence. Chances are good, he'll apologize and promise it will never happen again,,, till next time! You'll take him back.
Who knows, maybe you will physically catch him with someone, and take the beating of your life! You will be afraid to leave him for fear what he will do.
I can't give you anything more to think about, or any other reasons to leave.....
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male
reader, Jayman1 +, writes (3 February 2009):
Get out. Leave him. Why stay. I thought I could never be alone but then the time came when I got tired of being beat up, called names and having my pets killed. I left and I am happier and healthier with out the jerk and yes I have met a wonderful man who cares deeply for me and loves me and has never hit me or said a mean thing to me. GET OUT BEFORE HE KILLS YOU
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